David Irvine

The Invisible Mother – And The Invisible Leader

David Irvine — Sun, 13 May 2012 17:57:44 +0000

This story came to me from my good friend Don Campbell. My apologies for not knowing it’s source. It speaks to the work of mothers, and may we all celebrate the work of mothers today. Take a few minutes to appreciate you mother. But this story, in a larger way, speaks to the humility and egoless work of all great leaders at all levels and in all walks of life.

“It all began to make sense, the blank stares, the lack of response, the way one of the kids will walk into the room while I’m on the phone and ask to be taken to the store. Inside I’m thinking, ‘Can’t you see I’m on the phone?’

Obviously not; no one can see if I’m on the phone, or cooking, or sweeping the floor, or even standing on my head in the corner, because no one can see me at all. I’m invisible. The invisible Mom. Some days I am only a pair of hands, nothing more! ‘Can you fix this? Can you tie this? Can you open this?’

Some days I’m not a pair of hands; I’m not even a human being. I’m a clock to ask, ‘What time is it?’ I’m a satellite guide to answer, ‘What number is the Disney Channel?’ I’m a car to order, ‘Right around 5:30, please.’

Some days I’m a crystal ball; ‘Where’s my other sock? Where’s my phone? What’s for dinner?’

I was certain that these were the hands that once held books and the eyes that studied history, music and literature –but now, they had disappeared into the peanut butter, never to be seen again. She’s going, she’s going, she’s gone!?

One night, a group of us were having dinner, celebrating the return of a friend from England. She had just gotten back from a fabulous trip, and she was going on and on about the hotel she stayed in. I was sitting there, looking around at the others all put together so well.

It was hard not to compare and feel sorry for myself. I was feeling pretty pathetic, when she turned to me with a beautifully wrapped package, and said, ‘I brought you this.’ It was a book on the great cathedrals of Europe.

I wasn’t exactly sure why she’d given it to me until I read her inscription: With admiration for the greatness of what you are building when no one sees.’

In the days ahead I would read — no, devour the book. And I would discover what would become for me, four life-changing truths, after which I could pattern my work: 1) No one can say who built the great cathedrals – we have no record of their names. 2) These builders gave their whole lives for a work they would never see finished. 3) They made great sacrifices and expected no credit. 4) The passion of their building was fueled by their faith that the eyes of God saw everything.

A story of legend in the book told of a rich man who came to visit the cathedral while it was being built, and he saw a workman carving a tiny bird on the inside of a beam. He was puzzled and asked the man, ‘Why are you spending so much time carving that bird into a beam that will be covered by the roof, No one will ever see it ‘ And the workman replied, ‘Because God sees.’

I closed the book, feeling the missing piece fall into place. It was almost as if I heard God whispering to me, ‘I see you. I see the sacrifices you make every day, even when no one around you does’.

‘No act of kindness you’ve done, no sequin you’ve sewn on, no cupcake you’ve baked, no Cub Scout meeting, no last- minute errand is too small for me to notice and smile over. You are building a great cathedral, but you can’t see right now what it will become.’

I keep the right perspective when I see myself as a great builder. As one of the people who show up at a job that they will never see finished, to work on something that their name will never be on.

The writer of the book went so far as to say that no cathedrals could ever be built in our lifetime because there are so few people willing to sacrifice to that degree.

When I really think about it, I don’t want my son to tell the friend he’s bringing home from college for Thanksgiving, ‘My Mom gets up at 4 in the morning and bakes homemade pies, and then she hand- bastes a turkey for 3 hours and presses all the linens for the table.’ That would mean I’d built a monument to myself. I just want him to want to come home. And then, if there is anything more to say to his friend, he’d say, ‘You’re gonna love it there ….’”

As mothers, we are building great cathedrals. We cannot be seen if we’re doing it right. And one day, it is very possible that the world will marvel, not only at what we have built, but at the beauty that has been added to the world by the sacrifices of invisible mothers.

David Irvine, Speaker and Author

Success Beyond Success

David Irvine — Mon, 07 May 2012 22:04:33 +0000

Due to their success in the last couple of seasons, our daughter’s U16 soccer team in Cochrane has moved up to Tier I, the highest level of soccer in the province for this age group. To see a team coming from a town of 12,000 people hold their own against the best U16 soccer players in Calgary is inspiring. I am so proud of Chandra and her team for this accomplishment.

And when you get to this level, it becomes all about winning. The parents from these all-stars in the city are brutal. They are intense. The girls are intense. The teams are intense. It seems that their life is all about the game, and winning the game.

It reminds us that we always need to keep success in perspective. This is a game, after all. And these are teenage girls. It’s not the Olympics. It’s not a professional sport. And even if it was, what really matters? The points on the board? The wins? The gold medal?

While the game itself is amazing, what really matters is the joy of playing, the proficiencies that are mastered, the life-skills that are learned, the habits that are established, the relationships that are developed, the passion that is fostered, and the character that is built.

One level of success is on the scoreboard on the field, but the success beyond the success is on the scoreboard in your heart.

David Irvine, Speaker and Author

My St. Amant Experience

David Irvine — Tue, 01 May 2012 04:47:19 +0000

Last week I was in Winnipeg working with some wonderful leaders and front-line professionals who have dedicated their lives to work with people with disabilities. The conference was sponsored by St. Amant, a not-for-profit organization that offers a wide range of programs and services to support individuals and their families in Manitoba with developmental disabilities and autism. I am a better person for having spent two days with these inspiring, caring, and dedicated people. Thank you St. Amant.

I was privileged to be there on the first day to hear the lunch speaker, Ian Brown, who shared his very moving and human journey of raising a son who was born with a disability. I liked Ian’s story. And I liked how he told it. He was real. He articulated beautifully the depth of his journey with eloquence and with a simple and magnificent expression of the English language. It is truly an authentic journey that inspired everyone who had the privilege of hearing Ian. I bought a copy of his book after he spoke and I would recommend it. It’s a beautiful story.

Here’s a review on the back cover by The Walrus:

“Given the current glut of smug daddy blogs and cutesy mommy memoirs, it’s bracing to read a story about parenthood in which there is something so extraordinary at stake.”

The name of the book: The Boy In The Moon: A Father’s Search For His Disabled Son, by Ian Brown, published by Vintage Canada, 2010

David Irvine, Author and Speaker

Should we be expecting our leaders to “Walk The Talk?”

David Irvine — Sat, 21 Apr 2012 00:51:09 +0000

I wish I had a nickel for every time I have heard the phrase, “The leaders in this place don’t ‘walk the talk.’” I’d be wealthier than a lottery winner. I’ve heard this said about leaders in every walk of life – business, politics, and government.

I understand the frustration when people see a lack of congruence from their leaders between what is espoused and what is lived. It’s called an authenticity gap. While the frustration is legitimate, the problem is the way we see the problem and the way we approach it. A lack of congruence will prevail as long as we continue to see this as a leadership problem. In fact, I contend that we are actually contributing to the problem by the way we view the situation.

There will always be an authenticity gap in our positional leaders because of the nature of our expectations. No one will ever meet our expectations completely for “walking the talk” because we are human. Think about it. Where in your life have you maintained all the habits that you know are important? Do you exercise as much as you say you should? Do you always eat what you say is a healthy diet? Do you spend as much time with the people you love as you say you should? Do you ever watch more TV than you know is healthy? Where do you have perfect alignment between your espoused values and your actions? Where in your life have you completely closed this “authenticity gap?”

I contend that it’s not the gap that’s the problem. The real problem is that we aren’t talking about the gap – directly, honestly, and respectfully. What authentic, accountable leaders do, rather than pretend that there is no gap, is create a space for people to honestly and respectfully discuss the gap and work toward closing it. What authentic, accountable employees do, rather than complain about the gap with a sense of entitlement, is have the courage to face the incongruence directly when they see it.

If you are working in an environment and feel that your positional leaders are not “walking the talk,” here are some suggestions:

Strategy #1. Start by giving what you expect from your leaders. Take a careful inventory of yourself. Where are you not “walking the talk” in your professional or personal life? Where is there an authenticity gap in your life? Try taking the focus off your leaders and bring it back to yourself. Deciding that you have co-created the world around you – and therefore you are the one to step into healing it – is the ultimate act of accountability.

Strategy #2. Once you have earned self-respect and credibility by working at closing your own authenticity gaps, initiate courageous, open, and respectful conversations with your leaders about that gap in yourself and in your culture. Be sure to bring your solutions, not your complaints to these conversations. Bring a copy of your corporate values to the discussion and ask for feedback about how you can better live these values as an employee. If you don’t have clear corporate values then make up your own and bring these to the conversation for open, respectful dialogue.

Strategy #3. If you are a positional leader, be aware that you are always being watched and there will always be people in your organization who perceive you as not “walking the talk.” Talk openly about this. Invite feedback continually. Turn your value statements into concrete behaviors and commit publically to living these values, while simultaneously fessing up that you are human, that you won’t ever be perceived as getting it perfect, that you are open for constructive feedback when you get off track, and that you expect the same commitment from your those who report to you.

What’s your experience with leaders not “walking the talk?” I’d love to hear from you.

David Irvine, Author and Speaker

What’s the difference between servant leadership vs. pleasing leadership?

David Irvine — Sat, 14 Apr 2012 20:11:36 +0000

I see many leaders trying too hard to make their direct reports happy under the auspices of “servant leadership.” Entitlement is bred in this kind of culture, thinking that we are obligated to give our employees everything they ask for. It’s like parenting, trying to do too much for our children, trying taking away all their stress. This doesn’t lead to responsible kids and it doesn’t lead to accountable employees. And it creates burned out leaders.

The servant leader’s job is to identify and do all you can to meet the needs of their staff to ensure their success. This is servant leadership. Pleasing leadership attempts to meet all the wants of their people. Pleasing leaders become their employee’s slaves -by allowing their employees/kids to do whatever they want. We all need an environment where standards are set and people are held accountable. We may not want this, but we need it. We don’t do anybody favors by running undisciplined homes or departments. Don’t settle for mediocrity. People need to be pushed to be all they can be. Again, this may not be what we want, but it’s what we need.

Another example: If you pay people what they want, you’ll be out of business and won’t be able to give them what they need: stable, long-term employment.

When politicians make their policy decisions based on the most recent Gallup poll, they are giving people what they want, but probably not what they need.

How do you distinguish between wants and needs?

A want is a wish without regard to long-term consequences.

A need is a legitimate requirement for one’s survival or success.

You have to know people (starting with yourself) very well to understand the difference.

Start by making a list of the needs of the people who depend on you. Make a list of what you need.

Thanks to Jim Hunter for your inspiration behind this blog. He wrote a good book called The Servant.

What’s your experience with the difference between serving and pleasing?

David Irvine, Author and Speaker

Easter… A Time For Reflection

David Irvine — Fri, 06 Apr 2012 16:34:21 +0000

Easter, especially in recent years, has been a time for reflection for me. A time for taking inventory. A time for letting go. A time for renewal. A time for resurrection.

As we grow and evolve, things in our lives need to die to make room for something new. Hanging on too tightly to our old ways of thinking, our old familiar patterns and habits, our possessions, our achievements, our accumulations, blocks new growth.

Death is a part of life. It’s integral to the human experience. When we resist death, we resist life and can’t live fully. Death, letting go, surrendering to what is, is all part of living authentically with richness.

I have been taking an inventory of what I’m letting go of these days:

• I have experienced the death of two close friends and a family member this past month. Grieving is not easy, and it is necessary.

• As my business grows to a new level, I am letting go of my need for control. In the past, I have had a strong need for independence and the accompanying illusion of control. When I work alone, I avoid some hassles that come with collaboration, but I can’t take my business to a new level alone. I need others. I am letting go in order to make room for new relationships. It’s not easy, and it is necessary.

• I am letting go of my need for certainty, and learning that uncertainty is a necessary ingredient to a full, rich life.

In grief, new, enriched relationships are born. Letting go of my belief that my security lies in my external world, my need for control, independence, and certainty, means that inner peace, new connections, new opportunities, and a renewed life emerge. In letting go I learn to trust at a new level. New resources arise.

Letting go isn’t complicated. It’s a simple decision.

What are you letting go of these days? What is emerging? What is calling you?

David Irvine, Author and Speaker

The Gift Of Conflict

David Irvine — Wed, 04 Apr 2012 04:09:26 +0000

In preparation for a workshop with a group of executives on “Managing Conflict,” I developed the following “Five Steps To Managing Conflict:”

Step 1. Understand the nature of conflict and its importance in our lives.

Three Premises About Conflict:

Without conflict, you aren’t growing. We don’t grow without the challenges that emerge from conflict.
Without conflict, you are redundant. If everyone were the same, most people would be redundant. Diversity and the resulting conflict is necessary.
Without conflict, life isn’t interesting. Have you ever seen a movie or read a novel without conflict?

… But we all need to get better at dealing with it constructively. We need to redefine how we think about it. Conflict is not “good” or “bad.” What makes it either constructive or destructive, is how it is dealt with.

Conflict is a gift – when you face it, work through it, and learn from it with the support from others.

Anger opens the door to conflict, as long as you keep it honest and respectful.

Anger: An honest and respectful displeasurable emotional response to a person or situation with the intent to bring either resolution or protection.

Inappropriate expressions of anger:

Violence: The exertion of power with the intent to injure or abuse.

Bullying: A discriminatory act of force or coercion with the intent to be superior, involving a perceived imbalance of power.

Rage: Misdirected, dishonest, unbridled anger.

Because of their early exposure to some of these inappropriate uses of conflict, most people either withdraw from it or use it destructively. Either response will not help you use conflict productively.

Step 2. Clarify Expectations and Accountabilities. Clearly defined expectations and accountabilities early on do a lot to prevent conflict, especially if you agree upon a process for talking about disagreements when you get off track – before you get off track.

Step 3. Deal With Conflict Immediately – Before It Becomes Infected. I love Nelson Madela’s definition of resentment: “Taking poison in the hopes that your enemy will die.” Talk about your disagreements up front, before they fester into an infection.

Step 4. Seek first to resolve the anger in the other, then between you. If you are in a disagreement with a person, clarify their interests and needs before focusing on your own interests and needs. Find common ground on interests, and stay away from positions.

Step 5. Reach for a shared meaning if there is respect and good will between you. Assuming there is respect and good-will in a relationship, here’s my formula for reaching what I call a “shared meaning”:

#1: Person A speaks for self, using “I” statements. No blame. Personal responsibility for feelings and needs.

#2: Person B repeats back what they heard Person A say.

#3: Person A fills in any missing pieces.

#4: Person B repeats back what they heard Person A say until Person A says they feel understood.

#5: Person A then expresses a statement of need (expectation) from Person B. (“I need…”).

#6: Person B repeats back what they heard until Person A feels understood.

#7: The process is then reversed, with Person B speaking for self, using “I” statements, etc.

In summary, conflict is a gift, but we need to develop the muscles of learning to embrace and resolve it effectively so as not to have it destroy us.

For information on ways I can help your organization reframe conflict and make it productive, contact me.

David Irvine, Speaker and Author

What’s the difference between communication and just passing along information?

David Irvine — Tue, 27 Mar 2012 19:57:58 +0000

I serve as vice-chair on an international non-profit board. Our chair is passionate about her work and about staying in contact with board members around the world. If she has a weakness, however, it’s that she assumed that sending emails to board members meant she has actually communicated with them.

“I can’t understand why he didn’t get the message. I was so careful about crafting a clear email that outlined all the facts.”

We have had some long discussions lately about the difference between passing along information and actually communicating a message.

The problem, of course, is not in her intent. The problem is that texting and emails are great ways to pass along information. They are just a lousy way to communicate. I’m all for technology, but it is critical to understand the limitations.

To communicate you need conversation and dialogue. Even the phone can be limiting when it comes reading body language as a response to a message.

If you aren’t allowing time for reactions, questions, open dialogue, clarification, and a space for reflection, then all you are doing is passing along information. You aren’t communicating.

What have you learned about what it takes to communicate? What, for you, is the difference between passing along information and communication?

David Irvine, Author and Speaker

Authenticity and Art: Making the Connection

David Irvine — Mon, 19 Mar 2012 18:00:59 +0000

My father was a “closet artist.” He had a beautiful, artistic side that was repressed because our culture led him to believe that to be successful you had to have an office job, so he was an administrator. Suppressing his artistic, authentic self nearly cost him his life, sending him into an early retirement from the office job and into a decade of depression. It was not until he returned to university at the age of 65 to study art that his spirit awakened.

I am working on a project with the world-renowned artist, Murray Phillips, to teach the leaders in an organization how to use art to be more connected with their authentic selves and those they serve. We had a brilliant conversation this week about the role of art in one’s life, about the value of connecting with our artistic self, about honoring the artist within us, and about how all this makes us better people and better leaders.

“You don’t say that someone is ‘very’ physical,” said Murray. “We simply are physical. It is not a matter of degree. It’s part of the human experience. So why should we say that a person is ‘very’ spiritual, or ‘very’ artistic? These too, are part of the human experience.” Everybody is artistic because everybody has something to express. Try not expressing anything for twenty-four hours and see what happens. You may find yourself losing energy, becoming despondent, or you may even feel like you will burst. You will then need to write a letter, draw a picture, garden, or embark on a project.

“Art,” according to Murray, “is a language, a language that we can learn. It is a mistake to think we can communicate everything verbally. In the language of art, words don’t exist.” This is why art can be used to express a range of emotions – grief, joy, inner peace – that words cannot reach. As we learn this language of art we connect with our authentic self and the world around us in new, expanded ways, thus deepening our capacity to influence others with greater presence, and most importantly, enjoy this experience we call human more fully.

One of the indicators of a hurried, troubled, stressed world is that we disconnect from art and then stop noticing the beauty, wonder, and awe of life. This then limits our full capacity as human beings. Being disconnected with our authentic self, with our humanness, separates us from each other and from the environment. What we separate from we neglect or destroy.

What are you doing to learn, deepen, and express the language of art in your life? What are you doing to stop and notice beauty around you? When was the last time you were in awe?

For a taste of Murray Phillips’ beautiful work (along with John Gilliat’s brilliant guitar playing), take five minutes to stop and watch: http://johngilliat.com/guitarblog/archives/4543

David Irvine, Speaker and Author

What is authentic success? It’s what the world doesn’t see.

David Irvine — Mon, 12 Mar 2012 20:58:22 +0000

The past ten days have been both sad and reflective for me and for our family. Our dear friends and neighbors lost their twenty-five year old son to suicide on March 2^nd, after his lengthy battle with mental illness. This family has been so very close to us over the past sixteen years, that it felt almost like losing one of our own children.

My last conversation with Curtis was this past New Year’s Eve at a family wedding. I knew he had been battling depression and how he was trying, ever so hard, to look brave. I remember asking him what he was proud of in his life. He shyly spoke of how he was trying to get back into university, get back to the music that he loved to play, and to start getting back into his friends (which he had been withdrawing from in the face of the darkness that engulfed him). During the course of our conversation, a friend who had graduated with Curtis came up and began speaking of his accomplishments in university, graduate school, and how he was already successfully running his own business.

As Curtis listened, you could see his eyes lower and feel his spirit withdraw as he compared his perceived “minor” achievements to those of his friend.

At the funeral, we heard about attributes of real success: a beautiful character and remarkable human being who had faced unimaginable obstacles. When the beauty of a person’s character is impressed upon you, it can change your life forever. It is life-giving to be around a person who exhibits qualities such as honesty, compassion, reverence, humility, courage, integrity, wisdom, or determination. What greater success could there be than the development of these qualities, the qualities of a person with strong character? These are sustaining qualities. This is true success. This was the success that Curtis achieved. This was the difference he made in the lives of every person who was fortunate enough to know him. While the world may not reward these qualities of character like it rewards fame or fortune, strong character is ultimately what matters in life.

May we each reflect upon and come to terms with real success: not meeting the world’s standards, but meeting the benchmark of the soul. Thank you, Curtis, for your life and for reminding me of what matters. Your life was a gift to me. I’m a better person for having known you.

David Irvine, Best-Selling Author and Speaker