In the days ahead I would read — no, devour the book. And I would discover what would become for me, four life-changing truths, after which I could pattern my work: 1) No one can say who built the great cathedrals – we have no record of their names. 2) These builders gave their whole lives for a work they would never see finished. 3) They made great sacrifices and expected no credit. 4) The passion of their building was fueled by their faith that the eyes of God saw everything.

A story of legend in the book told of a rich man who came to visit the cathedral while it was being built, and he saw a workman carving a tiny bird on the inside of a beam. He was puzzled and asked the man, ‘Why are you spending so much time carving that bird into a beam that will be covered by the roof, No one will ever see it ‘ And the workman replied, ‘Because God sees.’

I closed the book, feeling the missing piece fall into place. It was almost as if I heard God whispering to me, ‘I see you. I see the sacrifices you make every day, even when no one around you does’.

‘No act of kindness you’ve done, no sequin you’ve sewn on, no cupcake you’ve baked, no Cub Scout meeting, no last- minute errand is too small for me to notice and smile over. You are building a great cathedral, but you can’t see right now what it will become.’

I keep the right perspective when I see myself as a great builder. As one of the people who show up at a job that they will never see finished, to work on something that their name will never be on.

The writer of the book went so far as to say that no cathedrals could ever be built in our lifetime because there are so few people willing to sacrifice to that degree.

When I really think about it, I don’t want my son to tell the friend he’s bringing home from college for Thanksgiving, ‘My Mom gets up at 4 in the morning and bakes homemade pies, and then she hand- bastes a turkey for 3 hours and presses all the linens for the table.’ That would mean I’d built a monument to myself. I just want him to want to come home. And then, if there is anything more to say to his friend, he’d say, ‘You’re gonna love it there ….’”

As mothers, we are building great cathedrals. We cannot be seen if we’re doing it right. And one day, it is very possible that the world will marvel, not only at what we have built, but at the beauty that has been added to the world by the sacrifices of invisible mothers.

David Irvine, Speaker and Author

I understand the frustration when people see a lack of congruence from their leaders between what is espoused and what is lived. It’s called an authenticity gap. While the frustration is legitimate, the problem is the way we see the problem and the way we approach it. A lack of congruence will prevail as long as we continue to see this as a leadership problem. In fact, I contend that we are actually contributing to the problem by the way we view the situation.

There will always be an authenticity gap in our positional leaders because of the nature of our expectations. No one will ever meet our expectations completely for “walking the talk” because we are human. Think about it. Where in your life have you maintained all the habits that you know are important? Do you exercise as much as you say you should? Do you always eat what you say is a healthy diet? Do you spend as much time with the people you love as you say you should? Do you ever watch more TV than you know is healthy? Where do you have perfect alignment between your espoused values and your actions? Where in your life have you completely closed this “authenticity gap?”

I contend that it’s not the gap that’s the problem. The real problem is that we aren’t talking about the gap – directly, honestly, and respectfully. What authentic, accountable leaders do, rather than pretend that there is no gap, is create a space for people to honestly and respectfully discuss the gap and work toward closing it. What authentic, accountable employees do, rather than complain about the gap with a sense of entitlement, is have the courage to face the incongruence directly when they see it.

If you are working in an environment and feel that your positional leaders are not “walking the talk,” here are some suggestions:

Strategy #1. Start by giving what you expect from your leaders. Take a careful inventory of yourself. Where are you not “walking the talk” in your professional or personal life?  Where is there an authenticity gap in your life? Try taking the focus off your leaders and bring it back to yourself. Deciding that you have co-created the world around you – and therefore you are the one to step into healing it – is the ultimate act of accountability.

Strategy #2. Once you have earned self-respect and credibility by working at closing your own authenticity gaps, initiate courageous, open, and respectful conversations with your leaders about that gap in yourself and in your culture. Be sure to bring your solutions, not your complaints to these conversations. Bring a copy of your corporate values to the discussion and ask for feedback about how you can better live these values as an employee.  If you don’t have clear corporate values then make up your own and bring these to the conversation for open, respectful dialogue.

Strategy #3. If you are a positional leader, be aware that you are always being watched and there will always be people in your organization who perceive you as not “walking the talk.” Talk openly about this. Invite feedback continually. Turn your value statements into concrete behaviors and commit publically to living these values, while simultaneously fessing up that you are human, that you won’t ever be perceived as getting it perfect, that you are open for constructive feedback when you get off track, and that you expect the same commitment from your those who report to you.

What’s your experience with leaders not “walking the talk?” I’d love to hear from you.

David Irvine, Author and Speaker

Step 1.  Understand the nature of conflict and its importance in our lives.

Three Premises About Conflict:

• Without conflict, you aren’t growing. We don’t grow without the challenges that emerge from conflict.
• Without conflict, you are redundant. If everyone were the same, most people would be redundant. Diversity and the resulting conflict is necessary.
• Without conflict, life isn’t interesting. Have you ever seen a movie or read a novel without conflict?

… But we all need to get better at dealing with it constructively. We need to redefine how we think about it. Conflict is not “good” or “bad.” What makes it either constructive or destructive, is how it is dealt with.

Conflict is a gift – when you face it, work through it, and learn from it with the support from others.

Anger opens the door to conflict, as long as you keep it honest and respectful.

Anger: An honest and respectful displeasurable emotional response to a person or situation with the intent to bring either resolution or protection.

Inappropriate expressions of anger:

Step 3. Deal With Conflict Immediately – Before It Becomes Infected. I love Nelson Madela’s definition of resentment: “Taking poison in the hopes that your enemy will die.” Talk about your disagreements  up front, before they fester into an infection.

Step 4. Seek first to resolve the anger in the other, then between you. If you are in a disagreement with a person, clarify their interests and needs before focusing on your own interests and needs. Find common ground on interests, and stay away from positions. 

Step 5. Reach for a shared meaning if there is respect and good will between you. Assuming there is respect and good-will in a relationship, here’s my formula for reaching what I call a “shared meaning”:

#1:   Person A speaks for self, using “I” statements.  No blame. Personal responsibility for feelings and needs.

#2:   Person B repeats back what they heard Person A say.

#3:   Person A fills in any missing pieces.

#4:   Person B repeats back what they heard Person A say until  Person A says they feel understood.

#5:   Person A then expresses a statement of need (expectation) from Person B. (“I need…”).

#6:   Person B repeats back what they heard until Person A feels understood.

#7:   The process is then reversed, with Person B speaking for self, using “I” statements, etc.

In summary, conflict is a gift, but we need to develop the muscles of learning to embrace and resolve it effectively so as not to have it destroy us.

For information on ways I can help your organization reframe conflict and make it productive, contact me.

David Irvine, Speaker and Author

“I can’t understand why he didn’t get the message. I was so careful about crafting a clear email that outlined all the facts.”

We have had some long discussions lately about the difference between passing along information and actually communicating a message.

The problem, of course, is not in her intent. The problem is that texting and emails are great ways to pass along information. They are just a lousy way to communicate. I’m all for technology, but it is critical to understand the limitations.

To communicate you need conversation and dialogue. Even the phone can be limiting when it comes reading body language as a response to a message.

If you aren’t allowing time for reactions, questions, open dialogue, clarification, and a space for reflection, then all you are doing is passing along information. You aren’t communicating.

What have you learned about what it takes to communicate? What, for you, is the difference between passing along information and communication?

David Irvine, Author and Speaker

I am working on a project with the world-renowned artist, Murray Phillips, to teach the leaders in an organization how to use art to be more connected with their authentic selves and those they serve. We had a brilliant conversation this week about the role of art in one’s life, about the value of connecting with our artistic self, about honoring the artist within us, and about how all this makes us better people and better leaders.

“You don’t say that someone is ‘very’ physical,” said Murray. “We simply are physical. It is not a matter of degree. It’s part of the human experience. So why should we say that a person is ‘very’ spiritual, or ‘very’ artistic? These too, are part of the human experience.” Everybody is artistic because everybody has something to express. Try not expressing anything for twenty-four hours and see what happens. You may find yourself losing energy, becoming despondent, or you may even feel like you will burst. You will then need to write a letter, draw a picture, garden, or embark on a project.

“Art,” according to Murray, “is a language, a language that we can learn. It is a mistake to think we can communicate everything verbally. In the language of art, words don’t exist.” This is why art can be used to express a range of emotions – grief, joy, inner peace – that words cannot reach. As we learn this language of art we connect with our authentic self and the world around us in new, expanded ways, thus deepening our capacity to influence others with greater presence, and most importantly, enjoy this experience we call human more fully.

One of the indicators of a hurried, troubled, stressed world is that we disconnect from art and then stop noticing the beauty, wonder, and awe of life. This  then limits our full capacity  as human beings. Being disconnected with our authentic self, with our humanness, separates us from each other and from the environment. What we separate from we neglect or destroy.

What are you doing to learn, deepen, and express the language of art in your life? What are you doing to stop and notice beauty around you? When was the last time you were in awe?

For a taste of Murray Phillips’ beautiful work (along with John Gilliat’s brilliant guitar playing), take five minutes to stop and watch: http://johngilliat.com/guitarblog/archives/4543

David Irvine, Speaker and Author

These men and women get what education is about: creating a learning community, passion, character, and love. They get to the true spirit of the vital work of inspiring young people to meet the future with confidence and courage. During the two days I shared with them my vision of turning schools into a community. This community of leaders, imperfectly and humanly, are living this vision, as a “possibility of living into, not a standard to live up to…”

A community is a place where work is meaningful, not just menial, where you support people to be genuine contributors, not just “task doers,” where people are honestly valued, rather than used up, where you invite intentional conversations, not just superficial exchanges. Communities are places where classrooms and hallways are transformed into a village, where there is a sense of belonging, shared vision, pride, ownership, and a commitment to service; where “command performance” is replaced with a bone deep commitment to courageously seek participation. Community is where paint-by-number management programs are replaced with a profound, yet simple regard for realness, honesty, and respect for the dignity of everyone, which in turn results in an authentic expression of the human spirit.

Fostering this kind of culture is akin to being a gardener. It can’t be legislated, controlled, coerced, or even motivated. No plants ever grow better because you demand that they do so or because you threaten them. Plants grow only when they have the right conditions and are given proper care. Creating the space and providing the proper nourishment for plants – and people as well – is a matter of continual investigation and vigilance.

Great leaders in education, as well as teachers, don’t often get much public recognition. And they don’t seek it. They’re too busy contributing to the lives of our future leaders. But I felt it was important to acknowledge and celebrate the success of this remarkable group of true professionals.  My hats off to you St. Albert Protestant School leaders. I am a better person for  having spent two days with you.

David Irvine, Speaker and Author

Years ago I memorized a quote written by the nineteenth century poet Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, whose words continue to inspire me: “The heights by great men [or women] reached and kept were not attained by sudden flight, but they while their companions slept, were toiling upward in the night.” I don’t think he was talking about distracting yourself by surfing the net at 3:00 am. He was talking about being dedicated to something.

The question is: What are you dedicated to? Where are you investing your time? What difference are you making in the world through this dedicated effort? Is what you are dedicated to inspiring you? Engaging you? Making a contribution to others? Do you have a vision that awakens you, that gets you up early or keeps you up late? What if you set a worthwhile ten-year vision to dedicate your life to? It’s never too late to consciously dedicate your life to a vision that inspires you. You are going to be ten years older in ten years anyway. Why not dedicate yourself to a worthy cause in the process? You can be interested in something, but that is different than being dedicated.

David Irvine, Author and Speaker

Think about it. You make a phone call to a person and you get a digital voice recording with a list of options. You park your car and find out the parking attendant has been replaced by mechanism for inserting your credit card and keying in your license plate number. You send an email to a colleague instead of walking down the hall and having a face-to-face conversation. Rather than playing street hockey with a group of friends, kids are now more likely to be alone in their bedrooms in front of a computer screen. Instead of a face-to-face conversation with a bank teller or customer service representative, we now bank and make many transactions on line. Your doctor, pressed for time, now focuses on the test results and data on a computer screen instead of listening to you and looking at you. Rather than a travel agent that we have come to know and trust, we book vacations on line. We check in at the airport and buy our theatre tickets at kiosks rather than from real people at a booth or a counter.

I’m not interested in going back to the “good old days.” There were lots of problems with those “good old days.” What I am interested in is bringing balance to this world. Do we stop and realize the effect of all this automation and hurried pace on our workplaces, our families, and our lives? One expert on the pace of life, Robert Levine, has been studying time as it is experienced in various cultures. Levine measures three different variables; The time it takes to buy a stamp in a post office, the speed at which pedestrians walk across the street, and the accuracy of clocks in a bank. What he discovered was that there are faster cultures than others, in which punctuality and precision are rewarded, while other cultures are slower and less precise. Western society is the fastest; Brazil, Indonesia, and Mexico are the slowest. Levine doesn’t make a judgment that some cultures are necessarily “better.” There are advantages and disadvantages to both slow and fast cultures. In cultures where the pace is hurried, cardiovascular disease is more widespread.

Is all this technology helping us improve the quality of our connections and the quality of our lives? Is it helping us be more kind and charitable? Much emerging research is telling us that the more we hurry, the less we are able to connect, and the less we connect, the less we care, and the less we care the less real influence we have.

One of my favorite studies along this line was done with a group of theology students who had to listen to a lecture on charity, and then had to move, one by one, to a nearby building. On the way, they met an accomplice of the experimenters. This person was down on the floor, pretending to have fallen and hurt himself. Most of the students helped him. But when they were pressed for time and had to hurry from one building to the next, the Good Samaritans among them drastically lessened. One of the students, in a hurry, even stepped over the unfortunate crying actor and headed straight for his destination. We are kinder when we have more time. And without kindness, how can we possibly influence others?

How hurried are you in your life? How is the current pace of our world affecting you? Have you ever felt “hurried” even when you weren’t in a hurry? How does your sense of continual “hurriedness” affect your kindness, your connections, and your ability to influence others? What are you doing to s-l-o-w d-o-w-n and make a connection?

David Irvine, Speaker and Author

His bosses response: “Get on a plane. Let’s sit down and talk.”

They took a day together to examine  his concerns, negotiated to create a different kind of work culture, and openly discussed ways that he could get more support from his boss in terms of increased resources and time.

That was ten years ago. Both individuals still work for the company and this person still reports to the same boss. That was a turning point in his company and in his life.

Being a boss doesn’t make you a leader. But, great bosses are also great leaders. Don’t ever diminish the importance of the responsibility that comes with a title.

What are you doing as a boss to make a difference in the lives of those you serve?

David Irvine, Speaker and Author