Should we be expecting our leaders to “Walk The Talk?”

I wish I had a nickel for every time I have heard the phrase, “The leaders in this place don’t ‘walk the talk.’” I’d be wealthier than a lottery winner. I’ve heard this said about leaders in every walk of life – business, politics, and government.

I understand the frustration when people see a lack of congruence from their leaders between what is espoused and what is lived. It’s called an authenticity gap. While the frustration is legitimate, the problem is the way we see the problem and the way we approach it. A lack of congruence will prevail as long as we continue to see this as a leadership problem. In fact, I contend that we are actually contributing to the problem by the way we view the situation.

There will always be an authenticity gap in our positional leaders because of the nature of our expectations. No one will ever meet our expectations completely for “walking the talk” because we are human. Think about it. Where in your life have you maintained all the habits that you know are important? Do you exercise as much as you say you should? Do you always eat what you say is a healthy diet? Do you spend as much time with the people you love as you say you should? Do you ever watch more TV than you know is healthy? Where do you have perfect alignment between your espoused values and your actions? Where in your life have you completely closed this “authenticity gap?”

I contend that it’s not the gap that’s the problem. The real problem is that we aren’t talking about the gap – directly, honestly, and respectfully. What authentic, accountable leaders do, rather than pretend that there is no gap, is create a space for people to honestly and respectfully discuss the gap and work toward closing it. What authentic, accountable employees do, rather than complain about the gap with a sense of entitlement, is have the courage to face the incongruence directly when they see it.

If you are working in an environment and feel that your positional leaders are not “walking the talk,” here are some suggestions:

Strategy #1. Start by giving what you expect from your leaders. Take a careful inventory of yourself. Where are you not “walking the talk” in your professional or personal life?  Where is there an authenticity gap in your life? Try taking the focus off your leaders and bring it back to yourself. Deciding that you have co-created the world around you – and therefore you are the one to step into healing it – is the ultimate act of accountability.

Strategy #2. Once you have earned self-respect and credibility by working at closing your own authenticity gaps, initiate courageous, open, and respectful conversations with your leaders about that gap in yourself and in your culture. Be sure to bring your solutions, not your complaints to these conversations. Bring a copy of your corporate values to the discussion and ask for feedback about how you can better live these values as an employee.  If you don’t have clear corporate values then make up your own and bring these to the conversation for open, respectful dialogue.

Strategy #3. If you are a positional leader, be aware that you are always being watched and there will always be people in your organization who perceive you as not “walking the talk.” Talk openly about this. Invite feedback continually. Turn your value statements into concrete behaviors and commit publically to living these values, while simultaneously fessing up that you are human, that you won’t ever be perceived as getting it perfect, that you are open for constructive feedback when you get off track, and that you expect the same commitment from your those who report to you.

What’s your experience with leaders not “walking the talk?” I’d love to hear from you.

David Irvine, Author and Speaker

 

What’s the difference between servant leadership vs. pleasing leadership?

I see many leaders trying too hard to make their direct reports happy under the auspices of “servant leadership.” Entitlement is bred in this kind of culture, thinking that we are obligated to give our employees everything they ask for. It’s like parenting, trying to do too much for our children, trying taking away all their stress. This doesn’t lead to responsible kids and it doesn’t lead to accountable employees. And it creates burned out leaders.
The servant leader’s job is to identify and do all you can to meet the needs of their staff to ensure their success. This is servant leadership. Pleasing leadership attempts to meet all the wants of their people. Pleasing leaders become their employee’s slaves  -by allowing their employees/kids to do whatever they want. We all need an environment where standards are set and people are held accountable. We may not want this, but we need it. We don’t do anybody favors by running undisciplined homes or departments. Don’t settle for mediocrity. People need to be pushed to be all they can be. Again, this may not be what we want, but it’s what we need.
Another example: If you pay people what they want, you’ll be out of business and won’t be able to give them what they need: stable, long-term employment.
When politicians make their policy decisions based on the most recent Gallup poll, they are giving people what they want, but probably not what they need.
How do you distinguish between wants and needs?
want is a wish without regard to long-term consequences.
need is a legitimate requirement for one’s survival or success.
You have to know people (starting with yourself) very well to understand the difference.
Start by making a list of the needs of the people who depend on you. Make a list of what you need.
Thanks to Jim Hunter for your inspiration behind this blog. He wrote a good book called The Servant.
What’s your experience with the difference between serving and pleasing?
David Irvine, Author and Speaker

Easter… A Time For Reflection

Easter, especially in recent years, has been a time for reflection for me. A time for taking inventory. A time for letting go. A time for renewal. A time for resurrection.

As we grow and evolve, things in our lives need to die to make room for something new. Hanging on too tightly to our old ways of thinking, our old familiar patterns and habits, our possessions, our achievements, our accumulations, blocks new growth.

Death is a part of life. It’s integral to the human experience. When we resist death, we resist life and can’t live fully. Death, letting go, surrendering to what is, is all part of living authentically with richness.

I have been taking an inventory of what I’m letting go of these days:

• I have experienced the death of two close friends and a family member this past month. Grieving is not easy, and it is necessary.

• As my business grows to a new level, I am letting go of my need for control. In the past, I have had a strong need for independence and the accompanying illusion of control. When I work alone, I avoid some hassles that come with collaboration, but I can’t take my business to a new level alone. I need others. I am letting go in order to make room for new relationships. It’s not easy, and it is necessary.

• I am letting go of my need for certainty, and learning that uncertainty is a necessary ingredient to a full, rich life.

In grief, new, enriched relationships are born. Letting go of my belief that my security lies in my external world, my need for control, independence, and certainty, means that inner peace, new connections, new opportunities, and a renewed life emerge. In letting go I learn to trust at a new level. New resources arise.

Letting go isn’t complicated. It’s a simple decision.

What are you letting go of these days? What is emerging? What is calling you?

David Irvine, Author and Speaker

The Gift Of Conflict

In preparation for a workshop with a group of executives on “Managing Conflict,” I developed the following “Five Steps To Managing Conflict:”

Step 1.  Understand the nature of conflict and its importance in our lives.

Three Premises About Conflict:

  • Without conflict, you aren’t growing. We don’t grow without the challenges that emerge from conflict.
  • Without conflict, you are redundant. If everyone were the same, most people would be redundant. Diversity and the resulting conflict is necessary.
  • Without conflict, life isn’t interesting. Have you ever seen a movie or read a novel without conflict?

… But we all need to get better at dealing with it constructively. We need to redefine how we think about it. Conflict is not “good” or “bad.” What makes it either constructive or destructive, is how it is dealt with.

Conflict is a gift – when you face it, work through it, and learn from it with the support from others.

Anger opens the door to conflict, as long as you keep it honest and respectful.

Anger: An honest and respectful displeasurable emotional response to a person or situation with the intent to bring either resolution or protection.

Inappropriate expressions of anger:

     Violence: The exertion of power with the intent to injure or abuse.

     Bullying: A discriminatory act of force or coercion with the intent to be superior, involving a perceived imbalance of power.

     Rage: Misdirected, dishonest, unbridled anger.

Because of their early exposure to some of these inappropriate uses of conflict, most people either withdraw from it or use it destructively. Either response will not help you use conflict productively.

Step 2. Clarify Expectations and Accountabilities. Clearly defined expectations and accountabilities early on do a lot to prevent conflict, especially if you agree upon a process for talking about disagreements when you get off track – before you get off track.

Step 3. Deal With Conflict Immediately – Before It Becomes Infected. I love Nelson Madela’s definition of resentment: “Taking poison in the hopes that your enemy will die.” Talk about your disagreements  up front, before they fester into an infection.

Step 4. Seek first to resolve the anger in the other, then between you. If you are in a disagreement with a person, clarify their interests and needs before focusing on your own interests and needs. Find common ground on interests, and stay away from positions. 

Step 5. Reach for a shared meaning if there is respect and good will between you. Assuming there is respect and good-will in a relationship, here’s my formula for reaching what I call a “shared meaning”:

#1:   Person A speaks for self, using “I” statements.  No blame. Personal responsibility for feelings and needs.

#2:   Person B repeats back what they heard Person A say.

#3:   Person A fills in any missing pieces.

#4:   Person B repeats back what they heard Person A say until  Person A says they feel understood.

#5:   Person A then expresses a statement of need (expectation) from Person B. (“I need…”).

#6:   Person B repeats back what they heard until Person A feels understood.

#7:   The process is then reversed, with Person B speaking for self, using “I” statements, etc.

In summary, conflict is a gift, but we need to develop the muscles of learning to embrace and resolve it effectively so as not to have it destroy us.

For information on ways I can help your organization reframe conflict and make it productive, contact me.

David Irvine, Speaker and Author

What’s the difference between communication and just passing along information?

I serve as vice-chair on an international non-profit board. Our chair is passionate about her work and about staying in contact with board members around the world. If she has a weakness, however, it’s that she assumed that sending emails to board members meant she has actually communicated with them.

“I can’t understand why he didn’t get the message. I was so careful about crafting a clear email that outlined all the facts.”

We have had some long discussions lately about the difference between passing along information and actually communicating a message.

The problem, of course, is not in her intent. The problem is that texting and emails are great ways to pass along information. They are just a lousy way to communicate. I’m all for technology, but it is critical to understand the limitations.

To communicate you need conversation and dialogue. Even the phone can be limiting when it comes reading body language as a response to a message.

If you aren’t allowing time for reactions, questions, open dialogue, clarification, and a space for reflection, then all you are doing is passing along information. You aren’t communicating.

What have you learned about what it takes to communicate? What, for you, is the difference between passing along information and communication?

David Irvine, Author and Speaker

 

 

Authenticity and Art: Making the Connection

My father was a “closet artist.” He had a beautiful, artistic side that was repressed because our culture led him to believe that to be successful you had to have an office job, so he was an administrator. Suppressing his artistic, authentic self nearly cost him his life, sending him into an early retirement from the office job and into a decade of depression. It was not until he returned to university at the age of 65 to study art that his spirit awakened.

I am working on a project with the world-renowned artist, Murray Phillips, to teach the leaders in an organization how to use art to be more connected with their authentic selves and those they serve. We had a brilliant conversation this week about the role of art in one’s life, about the value of connecting with our artistic self, about honoring the artist within us, and about how all this makes us better people and better leaders.

“You don’t say that someone is ‘very’ physical,” said Murray. “We simply are physical. It is not a matter of degree. It’s part of the human experience. So why should we say that a person is ‘very’ spiritual, or ‘very’ artistic? These too, are part of the human experience.” Everybody is artistic because everybody has something to express. Try not expressing anything for twenty-four hours and see what happens. You may find yourself losing energy, becoming despondent, or you may even feel like you will burst. You will then need to write a letter, draw a picture, garden, or embark on a project.

“Art,” according to Murray, “is a language, a language that we can learn. It is a mistake to think we can communicate everything verbally. In the language of art, words don’t exist.” This is why art can be used to express a range of emotions – grief, joy, inner peace – that words cannot reach. As we learn this language of art we connect with our authentic self and the world around us in new, expanded ways, thus deepening our capacity to influence others with greater presence, and most importantly, enjoy this experience we call human more fully.

One of the indicators of a hurried, troubled, stressed world is that we disconnect from art and then stop noticing the beauty, wonder, and awe of life. This  then limits our full capacity  as human beings. Being disconnected with our authentic self, with our humanness, separates us from each other and from the environment. What we separate from we neglect or destroy.

What are you doing to learn, deepen, and express the language of art in your life? What are you doing to stop and notice beauty around you? When was the last time you were in awe?

For a taste of Murray Phillips’ beautiful work (along with John Gilliat’s brilliant guitar playing), take five minutes to stop and watch: http://johngilliat.com/guitarblog/archives/4543

David Irvine, Speaker and Author

What is authentic success? It’s what the world doesn’t see.

The past ten days have been both sad and reflective for me and for our family. Our dear friends and neighbors lost their twenty-five year old son to suicide on March 2nd, after his lengthy battle with mental illness. This family has been so very close to us over the past sixteen years, that it felt almost like losing one of our own children.

My last conversation with Curtis was this past New Year’s Eve at a family wedding. I knew he had been battling depression and how he was trying, ever so hard, to look brave. I remember asking him what he was proud of in his life. He shyly spoke of how he was trying to get back into university, get back to the music that he loved to play, and to start getting back into his friends (which he had been withdrawing from in the face of the darkness that engulfed him). During the course of our conversation, a friend who had graduated with Curtis came up and began speaking of his accomplishments in university, graduate school, and how he was already successfully running his own business.

As Curtis listened, you could see his eyes lower and feel his spirit withdraw as he compared his perceived “minor” achievements to those of his friend.

At the funeral, we heard about attributes of real success: a beautiful character and remarkable human being who had faced unimaginable obstacles. When the beauty of a person’s character is impressed upon you, it can change your life forever. It is life-giving to be around a person who exhibits qualities such as honesty, compassion, reverence, humility, courage, integrity, wisdom, or determination. What greater success could there be than the development of these qualities, the qualities of a person with strong character? These are sustaining qualities. This is true success. This was the success that Curtis achieved. This was the difference he made in the lives of every person who was fortunate enough to know him. While the world may not reward these qualities of character like it rewards fame or fortune, strong character is ultimately what matters in life.

May we each reflect upon and come to terms with real success: not meeting the world’s standards, but meeting the benchmark of the soul. Thank you, Curtis, for your life and for reminding me of what matters. Your life was a gift to me. I’m a better person for having known you.

David Irvine, Best-Selling Author and Speaker

What Is Real Wealth?

This past week I had the privilege of spending three days with a group of two hundred and fifty ranchers from across Western Canada who belong to an organization called Holistic Management (HM). HM is based on a decision making framework which results in ecologically regenerative, economically viable and socially sound management of the world’s grasslands. These down-to-earth, authentic families are clear about their values and their goals.

One of the key principles I have learned from them over the years is to have a clear distinction in your mind between “quality of life” and “standard of living.” While I presented a series of sessions during their conference on the human side of family and business, my concluding keynote was about the real meaning of wealth. Here is a synopsis of that presentation, entitled, “I’m a wealthy man because…”

1)    I’m a wealthy man because of my inheritance of values and character. My parents both died essentially broke. But what would you rather get from your parents: a rich financial inheritance with no character and values, or character and values with no money? With character and values, you can create wealth, and much more. Character is like the goose that lays the golden eggs. Strong character – the courage to face the demands of reality; a commitment to living a principle-centered life; to bring greater value to others than you ask in return – will always be more powerful than money because of the freedom it brings and the wealth it creates.

2)    I’m a wealthy man because of the mentors who have influenced me over the years. My parents and ancestors top the list, but they also exposed me to some great teachers including the world-renowned family therapist, Virginia Satir and Jack Gibb, who taught me about trust. Another mentor was Norris Lowry, a hired hand on our farm who taught me about hard work, how to shake a hand, and the motto, “Happiness is not a destination; it’s a method of travel.”  Other mentors include my good friends and colleagues, Jim Reger, Murray Hiebert,  Bernie Novokowski, and Don Campbell. Then, of course, there are my daughters, Mellissa, Hayley, and Chandra, and my life-partner, Val.

3)    I’m a wealthy man because of being taught to be giver, not a taker. North Americans used to contribute to the betterment of all. Now we are “consumers,” – which means, “people who use up, waste, destroy, and squander.” I was taught early on to give more than you get paid for, to build rather than destroy, to help rather than hinder, and try to be part of the solution rather than part of the problem. While I don’t do this anywhere near perfectly, living these values makes me a wealthy person.

4)    I’m a wealthy man because of the love in my life. Love, like health, is precious. Rather than a fleeting emotion, I am learning that love is a verb, not a noun. Love is the result of both a decision and of learning to give of myself to others. My life is richer, deeper, and more fulfilling because of the love that surrounds me. This past week, my daughter and I went to hear Deepak Chopra and after his brilliant presentation, Hayley asked if I want to be as famous as him. (Thankfully, I don’t think I’ll ever be famous in the eyes of my children.) “I don’t seek fame,” I replied, “I simply want to be used for the betterment of mankind.” I have always been inspired by the words of Dag Hammarskjold, former Secretary-General of the United Nations: “It is more noble to give yourself completely to one individual than to labor diligently for the salvation of the masses.”

5)    I’m a wealthy man because of my health. Health is a true source of wealth. Without it, joy is not impossible, but difficult. Health habits create quality of life and the older I get the more this gets tested. “You don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone,” it is said. Living without pain is a gift to be sought after. There’s no guarantee of health to any of us, just has there is no immunity from death. Like love, I guard my health with gratitude and tenacious care.

6)    I am a wealthy man today because of my awareness that I can’t do it alone. I haven’t relied enough on others in my career. I’ve been a pretty independent “lone wolf” consultant who likes to maintain control. But I’m learning to let go and let others help me, let others bring strength to my business where I have weakness, let others help get the creative juices going through collaboration. My business is a tool to create what matters in my life, and I am wealthy because of the team behind me.

7)    Finally, I am a wealthy man because of my faith. Success is not defined in my life by the world’s standards. Success is measured by the touchstone of my conscience – through the eyes of my creator.

I have been rich from a financial standpoint, and I have been poor, and believe me, I’d rather be rich. Money won’t make you happy. If you are miserable and you come across a rich financial inheritance, then all you’ll be is a miserable rich person. But money buys options, and there’s nothing wrong with options. To paraphrase the great business philosopher Zig Ziglar, “Money will buy you a house, but it won’t buy you a home.  Money will buy you a bed, but it won’t buy you a good night’s sleep. Money will buy you a companion, but it won’t buy you a friend. Money will buy you a piece of real estate, but it won’t buy you peace of mind. Money will buy you a trip around the world but it won’t take you on the journey to your soul.”

Take some time to explore what wealth means to you. There really is a huge difference between a standard of living and a quality of life. I wish for you to have both, for in one is an expression of success, in the other, significance. Significance is the true source of wealth, for a life without significance and meaning is a life not worth living.

David Irvine, Best Selling Author and Speaker

What Is Enough?

I work with some amazing leaders who, in their own unique ways, are quietly and diligently making a tremendous impact on the world. And almost all of them are exhausted. Why is that? We could certainly blame it on technology and how accessible we are to the demands of others. We could probably all benefit from a refresher course in time management. We could all get clearer about our priorities. Certainly a decrease in resources in the organizations we work in could be a contributing factor. Maybe we just live in a more demanding time.

What I submit is that one of the core reasons that people are so tired today is that we have lost connection with the experience of “enough.”

• How much is enough service?

• How much is enough accomplishment?

• How much is enough money?

• How much is enough security?

• How much is enough success?

• How much is enough exercise or rest or food?

• How much is enough of anything?

In a world that demands that  more is better, I think it is imperative that we grapple with these questions because  the world’s standards of enough are not working. If you don’t have an inner experience of being enough, no amount of offering, success, money, or stuff in your life will ever make you feel satisfied, filled, or large enough. What is enough? If you do not know, within yourself, that you are enough, you will die of weariness, because there will always be more to do, more to have, and more to be.

Alternatively, when you know you are enough, beyond what the world tells you, then your giving, your achieving, your expanding and creating, comes from overflow, not emptiness, and the world will nourish you as you, in turn, nourish others with your presence.

My challenge for you is to ask:

• How do you come to know your worth away from your work?

• What does “enough” feel like to you?

• How do you know how much is enough?

• How do you know you are enough?

David Irvine, Author and Speaker

From New Year’s Resolutions To New Year’s Renewal

Making New Year’s resolutions is for those interested in growing, being a better person, and improving themselves. New Year’s is a good time for taking an inventory of our lives to discover where changes need to be made. Just as the fiscal year end of a business  provides an opportunity to take an inventory of stock, a new year provides a opportunity to take stock of our lives. It’s a good time to celebrate successes from the past year, reestablish intentions for the new year, evaluate your life, and set goals for the future. This is a ritual I have done at the close of each year and opening to the next, for many many years now.

Here is some of my thinking about New Year’s resolutions for you to reflect on…

1. Whatever you call it – resolutions, goals, habits – make sure they are yours. Make sure that your intentions are authentically yours, not someone elses. Resist that natural indication to compare and conform with others. Joy in life comes from being true to who you are meant to be. If you are trying to keep up with the Jones, sooner or later they will refinance! One way to ensure that your resolutions will last no longer than a few weeks is to make them out of guilt or inadequacy or inferiority, rather than an honest desire to make a change in your life that comes from within you.

2. Before making any kind of resolution for change, be sure to celebrate the past year. There’s a correlation between those who make resolutions and those who are hard on themselves. It’s always easier to find areas that need changing than to find areas that need celebrating. Make it a point to bring gratitude and recognition of progress into your new year’s resolutions.

3. Along with celebration, bring kindness and patience – for yourself and for others. Life can be difficult, but it’s a lot easier with compassion. A new life is much more likely to grow in the soft, rich soil of compassion than in the rocky ground of judgement. As Thich Nhat Hanh beautifully expresses, “Waking up this morning, I smile. Twenty-four brand new hours are before me. I vow to live fully in each moment and to look at all beings with the eyes of compassion.” When you think of compassion, think first of yourself. This is where true compassion starts.

4. Before making any kind of resolution, ask if you are actually committed to change or if you simply making a resolution because that’s what you do this time of year. There’s nothing wrong with not making a resolution if there’s nothing in your life you want to change right now. And there’s nothing wrong with a resolution for the sake of a resolution. Just be honest when you find yourself “off track” in the middle of January. Don’t make a promise to change if you aren’t ready. Whenever you break an agreement, either with yourself or with others, you erode your self-respect.

5. If you are serious about making changes in your life, find a mentor, someone who will guide you, support you, and hold you accountable along the way. From my experience, you will never make changes in your life alone. You’ll only create discouragement.

6. Take an inventory of what “growth” means to you. Be careful about defining growth as simply “more” or “bigger.” “Bigger” isn’t always better. “More” isn’t always satisfying. Think about growth as qualitative not just quantitative. Just because you lose weight doesn’t mean your life will be better. Just because you make more money doesn’t mean you will be happier. Peace is reflected in your relationship to the present moment, experiencing the beauty and magnificance that surrounds you now. Quality of life will sustain you in a way that quantity never will.

7. Whatever changes you decide to make in your life, make room for rest, renewal, and delight in your busy life. In the relentless busyness of modern life, we probably all need to rediscover the rhythm between work and rest. The only life form that doesn’t rest is cancer. A truly successful life is one of balance, perspective, and presence.

“The object of a new year is not that we should have a new year,” writes G.K. Chesterton. “It is that we should have a new soul.” As you let go of last year may you enter the new with a renewed energy that is fresh and vital. Be good to yourself, and be well this new year.

David Irvine, Speaker and Author