Step 1.  Understand the nature of conflict and its importance in our lives.

Three Premises About Conflict:

• Without conflict, you aren’t growing. We don’t grow without the challenges that emerge from conflict.
• Without conflict, you are redundant. If everyone were the same, most people would be redundant. Diversity and the resulting conflict is necessary.
• Without conflict, life isn’t interesting. Have you ever seen a movie or read a novel without conflict?

… But we all need to get better at dealing with it constructively. We need to redefine how we think about it. Conflict is not “good” or “bad.” What makes it either constructive or destructive, is how it is dealt with.

Conflict is a gift – when you face it, work through it, and learn from it with the support from others.

Anger opens the door to conflict, as long as you keep it honest and respectful.

Anger: An honest and respectful displeasurable emotional response to a person or situation with the intent to bring either resolution or protection.

Inappropriate expressions of anger:

Step 3. Deal With Conflict Immediately – Before It Becomes Infected. I love Nelson Madela’s definition of resentment: “Taking poison in the hopes that your enemy will die.” Talk about your disagreements  up front, before they fester into an infection.

Step 4. Seek first to resolve the anger in the other, then between you. If you are in a disagreement with a person, clarify their interests and needs before focusing on your own interests and needs. Find common ground on interests, and stay away from positions. 

Step 5. Reach for a shared meaning if there is respect and good will between you. Assuming there is respect and good-will in a relationship, here’s my formula for reaching what I call a “shared meaning”:

#1:   Person A speaks for self, using “I” statements.  No blame. Personal responsibility for feelings and needs.

#2:   Person B repeats back what they heard Person A say.

#3:   Person A fills in any missing pieces.

#4:   Person B repeats back what they heard Person A say until  Person A says they feel understood.

#5:   Person A then expresses a statement of need (expectation) from Person B. (“I need…”).

#6:   Person B repeats back what they heard until Person A feels understood.

#7:   The process is then reversed, with Person B speaking for self, using “I” statements, etc.

In summary, conflict is a gift, but we need to develop the muscles of learning to embrace and resolve it effectively so as not to have it destroy us.

For information on ways I can help your organization reframe conflict and make it productive, contact me.

David Irvine, Speaker and Author

These men and women get what education is about: creating a learning community, passion, character, and love. They get to the true spirit of the vital work of inspiring young people to meet the future with confidence and courage. During the two days I shared with them my vision of turning schools into a community. This community of leaders, imperfectly and humanly, are living this vision, as a “possibility of living into, not a standard to live up to…”

A community is a place where work is meaningful, not just menial, where you support people to be genuine contributors, not just “task doers,” where people are honestly valued, rather than used up, where you invite intentional conversations, not just superficial exchanges. Communities are places where classrooms and hallways are transformed into a village, where there is a sense of belonging, shared vision, pride, ownership, and a commitment to service; where “command performance” is replaced with a bone deep commitment to courageously seek participation. Community is where paint-by-number management programs are replaced with a profound, yet simple regard for realness, honesty, and respect for the dignity of everyone, which in turn results in an authentic expression of the human spirit.

Fostering this kind of culture is akin to being a gardener. It can’t be legislated, controlled, coerced, or even motivated. No plants ever grow better because you demand that they do so or because you threaten them. Plants grow only when they have the right conditions and are given proper care. Creating the space and providing the proper nourishment for plants – and people as well – is a matter of continual investigation and vigilance.

Great leaders in education, as well as teachers, don’t often get much public recognition. And they don’t seek it. They’re too busy contributing to the lives of our future leaders. But I felt it was important to acknowledge and celebrate the success of this remarkable group of true professionals.  My hats off to you St. Albert Protestant School leaders. I am a better person for  having spent two days with you.

David Irvine, Speaker and Author

The following is an abbreviated and rather oversimplified list of how the modern world has changed in its perception of hierarchy.

Under The Old Hierarchal Model:

1. The hierarchy – whether in church, families, educational systems, or the workplace – has the authority.
2. People are of unequal value, and they dominate or submit to one another.
3. Roles are what give people power and status.
4. People have power over each other, and their feelings of isolation, fear, anger, and distrust are denied and suppressed in the name of order.
5. People are expected to conform, to live up to external norms.
6. One right way exists, and the dominant person knows what it is.
7. People deny their own experiences so as to accept the voice of authority.
8. Security requires maintaining the status quo, as change is seen as undesirable and abnormal.
9. Creativity, dissention, and individuality are suppressed because there is only “one right way”: the voice of authority.
10. Loyalty is defined as devotion to authority.

Under The New Growth Model:

1. People are their own authority, where we learn to listen and trust our own inner voice and conscience.
2. People are of equal value, and relationships are between equals in value.
3. Roles are distinct from power and status; leadership is about presence, not position.
4. People feel connected to each other with an ownership of self, respect for others, and freedom of expression; the darker side of our nature is brought into the light.
5. Each person is unique and can define him or herself from an inner source of strength and validation.
6. Many ways usually exist, and we can use our own criteria to choose an approach.
7. People acknowledge their own experiences to validate their own authority.
8. Security comes from personal development and self-confidence.
9. Circular thinking and a systems approach replaces linear thinking; new discovery, creativity, and connections are encouraged.
10. Loyalty is defined as devotion to self in the service of others.

I was first introduced to the Growth Model over thirty years ago by one of my early mentors, Virginia Satir. As a society, we have been slowly emerging into this model over the past few decades but with a history of centuries of living in the old model, we are all relatively very new at this way of thinking.

The Growth Model, especially while we are learning to embrace it, can be difficult to accept. Teachers in our school system today ask, “Where is the respect for authority?” I suspect it is much more difficult to be a parent today than in my grandparent’s day. And it is much more difficult to create workplaces during the transition to the new model, where there is far less respect for positional power and a new loyalty is yet to fully be understood and embraced. Many are lamenting how the world is now “falling apart” in an age of self-serving, narcissistic individualism. Many are yearning to return to the “good old days,” where managing people through positional power was undoubtedly more simple and straight-forward.

I believe there is a deep, inner yearning to embrace the growth model, just as a plant yearns for the light, or a child yearns to ride a bike. But the awkwardness, the scrapes, and bruises in the early stages of bike riding invite a protective parent to return their child to familiar, safer territory. Yet, even in the chaos of the transition, we are long past the point of no return. In the spirit of transcendence and inclusion, the “old” list notes those aspects that have been outgrown. The “new” list leans in the direction of the most positive aspects of the emerging consciousness. What is the good side of the old hierarchal approach that we must safeguard? What is the darker side of the growth model that we must be aware of and work to overcome? Three challenges lie ahead as we continue to emerge into this new consciousness:

1. Patience with ourselves and with others is required in the transition. Living and working together without the security of a hierarchy is both daunting and awkward. To forge our way through life’s deeper terrain requires different perceptions and skills than what it took to follow someone else’s dictates. Understanding and healing the troublesome parts of ourselves and the world, as opposed to repressing and punishing the darker parts of the human experience, requires skills that few of us have been taught. A beginners mind is required as we step into this new world with openness and curiosity. Like embracing any needed change, we must be willing to let go of our need for certainty.
2. Embrace the paradoxes. In an effort to find freedom, the pendulum of independence has swung toward self-importance. The growth model is not about narcissism. It’s about self-expression in service. Sounds simple, but find ourself asking, “If I declare independence from the tyranny of hierarchy, will I not end up drowning in the pool of self-centeredness?” Yet if I neglect myself and serve only the greater good, what will happen to my soul? An authentic response to this paradox is to stay with the struggle by embracing the value of both. Maturity – and subsequent consciousness – asks us to live in the paradox without expecting a heavy-handed, overly simplistic solution. It seems inevitable to swing back and forth between the questions in order to continue to grow.
3. Trust the process. While pain and discomfort are a part of life, we must embrace our destiny – the call to evolve and emerge with a new consciousness. Just as we must embrace the paradox, we must remember that the goal is to be more authentic, fearless, and free. As we stay conscious: of our perceptions, of our biases, of our limited beliefs, of our present experience, and of our vision of a new world, growth, and a new world, is inevitable.

David Irvine, Speaker and Best-Selling Author

Following are seven conditions for success management. The goal is to turn these conditions into instinctive behaviors in your culture. But until they become established habits, written agreements can be helpful to ensure clarity, focus, and energy.

1. Connection. I learned years ago, in my first career as a family therapist, that the secret to parenting is not what a parent does but rather who the parent is to a child. Great leaders and teachers understand that when others are drawn to seek contact with you as a trusted advisor rather than simply as “boss,” you have earned the credibility to influence – with or without a title. All the leadership skills in the world will never compensate for a lack of connection.

2. Self-Assessment. Before attempting to “evaluate” others and their performance, it is important to ask people to assess themselves. “How do you feel about the results you are achieving?” “What do you need to do raise the bar for yourself?” These are questions about working with people, rather than over people. You will only want to “evaluate” others and their performance as a last resort.

3. Authentic Expression. What engages people is a connection to their passion, purpose, and values: authentic expression. When you are given the chance to express your unique talents in the service of others, you lose track of time and create abundance in your life and the lives of others. If work doesn’t provide both personal and financial growth, you’re wasting far too much of your life on it.

4. Accountabilities. Results are the name of the game, both in organizations and in life. Mutually negotiated accountabilities are a statement of quantifiable promises to the people who depend on you and the fulfillment of those promises. Accountabilities create a clear, mutual understanding of what needs to be accomplished and what will be accomplished: from activities to results.

5. Support Requirements. Support requirements are the accountabilities you require from others to ensure that you can fulfill your promises. These include the human, financial, technical, or organizational resources one can negotiate for and draw upon to deliver the expected results. Support requirements lock people into an accountable relationship.

6. Consequences. Consequences specify what will happen – both positive and negative – when you fulfill your promises. This could include financial or psychological rewards, different job assignments, and natural consequences tied into the overall mission of an organization. Consequences are a statement of what is important to you, considering what is reasonable and respectable in your current environment.

7. Follow-Up. How will your agreements to each other be maintained as significant, relevant, flexible, meaningful, and engaging over time? How will you hold yourself and others accountable? How often will you review it, and with whom? Far too many performance review programs are make-work projects that become “shelf-development” instead of self-development.” Take a brief inventory of where you stand on these conditions for success management. They can be applied to a business partner, direct reports, colleagues, clients or customers, or even yourself.

I’d love to hear about your conditions for success in building a more engaged and focused success management system or how you have used these conditions in an authentic and powerful way.

David Irvine, Speaker and Author

The passion and promise in our work is to build cultures of trust that attract, inspire, and unleash greatness. What we have learned about culture includes:

1.     While goals give you direction, culture gives you the energy to get there.

2.     You already have a culture, even though you may not be aware of it or able to clearly articulate it. Culture answers these questions: What is my experience of being here? What is our way of doing things? What do we value? You are going to have a culture anyway, so why not have a great one.

3.     If you are committed to attract and retain the best talent, culture will be the most important investment of your time and resources. This is because your best people have a low tolerance for compliance and insist on engagement. The talent pool is not only shrinking, those within it are educated, connected, and grounded in the idea of personal choice. They want to be appreciated, acknowledged and loved. They want opportunity. They want to work with people who are non-judgmental, willing to give them the benefit of the doubt, willing to listen and mentor, willing to trust and willing to stand for their success. A tall order but that’s the new reality.

4.     Culture is not what people say, but how they behave. It is shaped one person at a time, usually starting at the top. People are watching all the time and if it is perceived that there is more reward for delivering organizational results than there is for how those results are achieved, then people will either disengage or disembark.

5.     You can either create your culture by default or design. If you are committed to create your culture by design, somebody has to make the decision about the kind of culture you are going build, and everybody needs to understand the process you are using to build it.

6.     While it is always easier to build than it is to change one, changing a culture is always possible.

Ten Steps To Building An Aligned Culture

Leaders of a culture or subculture live at any level of an organization. They are what we call “culture makers.” Culture makers are people within a culture who are committed to building a better environment around them, and thus are deciding to be leaders (with or without a title). These could be entrepreneurs, divisional leaders, department heads, non-profit or team leaders, committed employees at any level, or even parents. It is these culture makers that we focus on to build an aligned culture. So here, in abridged form, is our process for building an aligned culture.

Step 1. Define your culture. Decide on the scope of the culture that you are committed to build – that lays within your sphere of influence. Is it your company, department, division, community association, team, family?

Step 2. Define your leadership team. Identify your 5-6 key leaders – allies that you will depend on to build your culture. These will be people who have the positional power, capacity, and commitment to make it happen. Be sure you have a Chief Emotional Officer on your team: a person with the positional power as well as the passion (a monomaniac with a mission) to take accountability for the culture.

Step 3. Get alignment at the top. Identify your core values that you, as a leadership team, are committed to living. Have an “offsite” leadership meeting to ensure that you are all committed to living the values, first with each other and then with your entire culture. If you are a “subculture” – a culture within a larger system, you will want to take the larger organizational cultural value statements and make them real for your culture.

Step 4. Develop a team “code of conduct” with your leadership team. Once you have decided upon your core values, you will need to develop a process that outlines your promises to each other: how you will hold yourself and each other accountable for living these values. This is about turning values into specific expected behaviors.

Step 5. Assess Alignment – And Connect to Reality. Decide on a process for assessing your current alignment between your “vision,” your “claim,” and your “reality” as an entire culture. In order to do this you will need to pay attention to the “visible” culture and the “real” culture – your current reality. You may need to take the time to get into the hallways, the coffee conversations, etc. to get to the grapevine and current reality.

Step 6. “Roll out” your values with your entire culture. Once you are clear about the current alignment, meet with your entire culture. With your leadership team at the front of the room, outline your vision for this culture, your core values, your assessment of the current reality and the degree of alignment you see between your vision, your claim, your reality, and your leadership code of conduct. Explain how you expect to be held accountable for living these values as positional leaders – your promised actions as a leadership team.

Step 7. Have each of your leadership team members define – and build – their own leadership teams. Meet with each member of your leadership team and help them define their own leadership teams and go through the same process with their respective teams. This will continue throughout the culture until, ideally, every person is eventually assigned to a “leadership team” or at least closely affiliated with a leadership team.

Step 8. Engage your employees – at every level. Begin and sustain the process – and build trust – through the power of courageous conversations. Create conversations around your values. Turn conversations about values into mutually agreed upon actions and promises. Tell the story. Shine the light. Acknowledge when and where individuals lived one or more of your values. Repeat the message.

Step 9. Define how you will convey to stakeholders outside the culture how you will live your values. How will you convey your values to your customers? What needs to be written in your marketing materials/web site, etc.?

Step 10. Get your values into every system. Bring values into your hiring processes, your performance management system and HR practices. Only promote leaders who are living the values. Make it tough to not live the values.

David Irvine, Speaker and Author

The concept and experience of accountability needs rejuvenation. You have to get to the deep meaning of accountability. You have to be clear about who you are accountable to, “for what specific results,” and “for what matters most.” If you aren’t, accountability becomes just another organizational buzzword, or worse, a hammer to punish people,

Accountability, when understood and applied effectively, will transform the your organization, your work, and your life. Accountability is the keystone of trust, the foundation of labour and life.

In it’s simplist form, accountability is the ability to be counted on. Real accountability is rooted in the behaviour of people. It is not, as some think, a character trait or something embedded in an organization. Accountability is determined by how you act.

When people accept real accountability, life in an organization or in a relationship is straightforward and productive. No one needs a pack of dogs eating their homework or a fresh pile of excuses to explain incomplete tasks. People do what they say they are going to do—and paradoxically when this happens real accountability creates enormous freedom and the opportunity for creativity.

Real accountability leads us back to our roots as people with integrity, unleashing the human potential that can so easily be suppressed. In our complex organizations, our busy families and our fast paced society, accountability can be diffused or completely lost—and when accountability is lost, we lose touch with our core. When we grasp real accountability we get a grip on results.

Accountable Behaviours

Real accountability requires you to do four things consistently:

1. Take Ownership. No one but you cares about the reason you let someone down. Deciding, once and for all, that all blame is a waste of time, will change your life forever. Decide to give to others what you expect from others. Be the change that you wish to see around you. Deciding that you have helped create the world around you – and therefore you are the one to step into healing it – is the ultimate act of accountability. Ownership means choosing service over self-interest, contribution over consumerism, and gratitude andgenerosity over entitlement. Ownership makes you a force in the world that changes the world. George Bernard Shaw knew this when he said, “This is the true joy in life, the being used for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one; the being a force of nature instead of a feverish, selfish little clod of ailments and grievances complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy.”

2. Carry through to completion the responsibilities entrusted to you. Henry Ford once said, “you can’t build a reputation on what you’re going to do.” Real accountability means only making promises you know you can – and will – deliver. Real accountability also requires you to search for and clarify accountabilities that are assumed in your roles, to judge which accountabilities you accept, and to carry those accountabilities through to completion. When you make a promise to someone you now have a creditor, where a debt is owed. Once you have made the promise, accountability means that you then deliver on your promise. When circumstances prohibit you from fulfilling your promise, let the creditor know as soon as you know, that the commitment is jeopardized. Negotiate, at this point, to minimize damages and re-commit to a new course of action.

3. Stand up for your actions. Real accountability depends upon transparency. Others need to know who did what, and who is accountable for doing something. Standing up for your actions in public is very relaxing when you are confident that you have acted ethically and with your best efforts. Standing up for your actions is another aspect of ownership, in that it means owning up to mistakes. Though owning up publically for the mistakes you make may not be comfortable, it takes less effort and results in more respect than hiding or running from the truth. No one ever thought less of a person who stood up and said, “I’m accountable for that.”

4. Stand behind your results. The effects of your actions—your results—matter more than the actions themselves. Yes, you sent the memo, but did the memo produce the desired effect? You explained to your child how much a pencil hurts when jabbed into an uncle, but has her behaviour improved? People are accountable for producing a result, not just for taking an action. Real accountability encompasses the unintended results as well as the ones you mean to produce. When you act to stop a child’s unsocial behaviour, you are also accountable for the effect your actions have on the child’s sense of safety and love. Or when you produce a high quality running shoe, you are accountable for the effect your plant’s effluent has on the local water supply. Real accountability requires an acceptance of responsibility for all the results your actions (or inactions) produce.

David Irvine, Speaker and Author

From the book Bridges of Trust: Making Acccountability Authentic, by David Irvine and Jim Reger

What is the most important thing on any team? Think of all the various teams you have been on in your life – sports teams, school teams, family teams, or teams in your workplace. Our experience is that teams that have high levels of trust are better in every way – they are more productive; they are more creative; the energy is high; people are motivated to be on them; and they are more fun! Contrast this to the experience of being on a low or no trust team and we’re sure you will agree with us that the difference is not incremental – it’s huge.

Trust enrols people in a worthwhile vision. It then enables full passion, commitment, freedom, energy, health, effectiveness, and engagement. Trust makes everything happen in organizations. If you can earn and build trust,  you can lead. If you can’t, you won’t be a leader. It’s that simple, and its that complex.

Questions that assess trust:

• Can they deliver results?

• Do they stand by me under pressure?

• Do they tell me the truth?

• Do they fulfill their promises?

Seven Things We Know About Trust

1. Trust cannot be commanded, coerced or controlled. It can only invited and earned.
2. Trust is a function of three primary qualities: 1) Character (your trustworthiness); 2) Competence (your skill level); and 3) Connectability (your ability to connect with people).
3. Trust is a rather delicate flower. What can take years to build can be destroyed in one action.
4. Trust is not a prerequisite; it’s an outcome. It takes courage to trust. While trusting people can be risky, not trusting people is a greater risk. Blind trust is naïve. Mature trust, on the other hand, has lived through betrayal and responded with courage.
5. Trust in others begins with self-trust. You won’t trust others beyond your capacity to trust yourself.
6. Trust must be constantly earned.  It’s like a chequing account; you have to keep making deposits if you want to have something to withdraw.
7. You don’t have to be perfect to be trustworthy. You simply have to honest, sincere, and willing. Most broken trust can be repaired.

Seven Ways To Build Trust

1. Be accountable. Accountability – the ability to be counted on – is, in many ways, the foundation of trust. Think carefully before you make a promise. Don’t make promises you can’t keep. Then honor your agreements.
2. Be Competent. This is a given. If you are leading a team of engineers, you aren’t going to be trusted if you claim to be a competent engineer unless you can demonstrate this. When I consult with a team of engineers, my competence comes from my reason for being there. I better be a great presenter or workshop facilitator. I had better have done my homework to research their culture, their industry, their organization.
3. Be Honest. Tell people what you know, and tell them what you don’t know. People will see through dishonesty and inauthenticity. When I work with an organization such as the RCMP, I obviously can’t build trust on my ability as a police officer. What I can do is tell them that, and let them see that I’m an expert in leadership development, the people side of their work when they aren’t policing.
4. Extend trust. Trust presents a paradox in that it needs to be earned, but to be earned, it has to first be given.  Yet trust, without the facts to base it on, is naiveté.  That is why trust is often given in small amounts over time.  As we experience success trusting an individual, we are more and more willing to trust further. Behaviour begets behaviour. Trusting others invites trust. Make trust a conscious objective.
5. Deliver results. If I want to establish trust with a new client, what is the one thing I can do to make that happen quickly? Deliver results.
6. Learn to connect. Your capacity to build trust ultimately depends on your capacity to connect. Listen at least twice as much as you talk. Take time to understand before being understood. Let people see who you are, which allows them to like you, not just respect you. The key in relationships is to be personal. acknowledge feelings. The key is not just walking around; it is opening up, paying attention, and being in touch. People really don’t care how much you know until they know  how much you care.
7. Be in touch with reality. Know about what goes on in the “meetings after the meeting.” Get down to the cafeteria. Know what people are talking about in the hallways. Do your homework to know what is really going on inside people – when they don’t have to be polite.

What’s your experience of fostering trust in your workplace or home?

David Irvine, Speaker and Author

Working with organizational cultures, the single-most common request we get is how to build more trust and respect in the workplace. It is our experience that this is achieved through personal accountability – the ability to be counted on – which is the basis for personal integrity. Personal integrity leads to self-respect, respect for others who demonstrate integrity, and ultimately a respectful workplace. So in our view, personal integrity is the essence of building a successful culture of trust and respect.

As an engineer and inventor, Bucky understood the importance of strength within a design. Engineers are accountable for designing structures capable of handling conditions up to a certain limit. In the engineering world, the margin between safety and disaster is known as “structural integrity.” Similarly, our success as accountable people depends on our personal structural integrity. As the engineers of our own existence, our choices affect not only our own lives but also the lives of the people who rely on us.

By standing behind our promises and assuming a position of accountability, we begin to design a life of personal structural integrity. With this as our foundation, our work and service in our families, organizations, and communities will be rock solid. However, just as you could never design and build a structure to handle any condition, personal structural integrity will always have its limits. Because it is not rigid, but instead strong and flexible, and adaptable to life’s changing circumstances, it can meet almost any test.

Integrity comes from the word “integer,” which means wholeness, integration, and completeness. Being integrated is a necessary condition for self-respect, and self-respect is the basis for creating a respectful environment. Integrity means having clear, explicit principles and doing what you say you’re going to do. It’s about being honest with yourself and others. Integrity is deeply personal and therefore deeply applicable to all areas of life.

Integrity has everything to do with your success as a leader. Leadership – the capacity to illicit the commitment of others, is about presence, not position. Now more than ever, power, purpose, and privilege no longer reside at the top of an organization. They potentially live at every level. Great leadership cannot be reduced to techniques or tools or titles. While you may promoted to being a boss, you don’t get promoted to being a leader. You have to earn the right to be called a leader. Great leadership comes from the identity and integrity of the leader. Authentic leadership is achieved through the power of presence, which comes from being an integrated human being, a person of integrity. Integrity is, indeed, the essence of everything successful.

David Irvine, Speaker and Author

Here’s some reflections about my mother.

I suppose it goes without saying that I wouldn’t be here today if it weren’t for my mother, Joyce Irvine. But I also would not be who I am today were it not for my mother. The vital impact she had on me as a mentor, teacher, guide, and healer came from the strength of something that lay beyond all those roles.

Soon after Joyce’s untimely death in 1999, my sister and I were leaning out her condominium and discovered a worn-out box on the upper shelf of one of her closets. Curious to see what might be inside, we opened it to find hundreds of tattered letters. As we sat and started poring through them, we soon realized that these were piles of love letters written to Joyce by her young husband, Ted Harling, from the cockpit of a Lancaster Bomber over a war-torn Europe where he served as a flight lieutenant during World War II. Within the pile there was also a group of letters that were Joyce’s letters to Ted.

A deep and sincere appreciation along with a resounding sadness swept over me as we read these letters. We realized that many of those long missives written by an exposed, loving, romantic, and anguished young war bride were actually returned to her unopened after Ted was killed in action, leaving her a two-year-old daughter to raise with no father.

There are myriad ways that a mother can impact her son or daughter’s life, and something very profound happened to me the day I read my mother’s love letters. I started to see that beyond the traditional concept of “mother” is a real woman with genuine emotions, passion, pain, and pleasure. We expect our mothers to be the stable rock in our lives and amidst our expectations we somehow miss the authentic humanness that lies below the surface of what we know as our “mother.”

It seems strange that I didn’t see this vulnerable side of my mother while she was alive. I was blind to most of her romantic side, her fearful side, her imperfect side. I also know that in her need to be a “strong” and “good” mother, she wasn’t willing to expose these aspects of her personality. As for my part, I know that when she was alive I spent more energy reacting to her instead of valuing her. Now that our personalities don’t block us, I am able to appreciate her with a renewed level of respect, love, and gratitude. Having survived the death of two husbands, the Great Depression, World War II, being a single parent for many years, and pioneering a career at a time when mothers were expected to stay at home, my mother was perhaps the most courageous woman I have ever known. It has taken me many years to appreciate the strength of her audacious, compassionate spirit. She was a tremendous inspiration to me.

What I offer are three lessons from these insights:

1. Let us recognize the inner lives of our mothers. May we realize with a deeper sense of appreciation, not just the things that our mothers “did” or “do” for us or to us, but also who this woman is and was: a real human being with a real history, real needs, real dreams, real emotions, and real values. This is what we need to value most about our mothers.

2. For mothers, it is okay at times to expose your real feelings, to be more vulnerable with your children and not be afraid to show more aspects of who you are as a person. Your children need to see this side of their mother. How can we possibly help our children deal effectively with the traumas of life if we shelter them by hiding our vulnerable side from them? They need to see us facing life honestly as they must learn to do the same.

3. For those of you who are mothers, you don’t have to be perfect. You just have to be more fully human. As you come to know yourself and share this self with those you love, you will offer your children a gift of inspiration. And who knows: one day they may unwrap this gift. For those of you who are mothers, my hope is that as you take some time out of your busy lives to tune in and attend to the humanness of the “real,” authentic self that lives beyond the roles, responsibilities, and expectations that come with being a mother, you will discover more appreciation and compassion for yourself.

I conclude with a tribute to my mother by passing along some of her amazing wisdom I discovered in her journal, months after her death:

“Every parent, no matter how hard they try, will be both a blessing and a curse to their children. My hope is that my children will appreciate the ‘blessing,’ if not immediately then later in life, and perhaps more importantly that they will take the ‘curse’ and, like an oyster irritated by a grain of sand, over time use it as a catalyst to build layers of character and understanding—thus producing a pearl. —Joyce Irvine

I got it Mom. Happy Mother’s Day to mothers everywhere.