And when you get to this level, it becomes all about winning. The parents from these all-stars in the city are brutal. They are intense. The girls are intense. The teams are intense. It seems that their life is all about the game, and winning the game.

It reminds us that we always need to keep success in perspective. This is a game, after all. And these are teenage girls. It’s not the Olympics. It’s not a professional sport. And even if it was, what really matters? The points on the board? The wins? The gold medal?

While the game itself is amazing, what really matters is the joy of playing, the proficiencies that are mastered, the life-skills that are learned, the habits that are established, the relationships that are developed, the passion that is fostered, and the character that is built.

One level of success is on the scoreboard on the field, but the success beyond the success is on the scoreboard in your heart.

David Irvine, Speaker and Author

My last conversation with Curtis was this past New Year’s Eve at a family wedding. I knew he had been battling depression and how he was trying, ever so hard, to look brave. I remember asking him what he was proud of in his life. He shyly spoke of how he was trying to get back into university, get back to the music that he loved to play, and to start getting back into his friends (which he had been withdrawing from in the face of the darkness that engulfed him). During the course of our conversation, a friend who had graduated with Curtis came up and began speaking of his accomplishments in university, graduate school, and how he was already successfully running his own business.

As Curtis listened, you could see his eyes lower and feel his spirit withdraw as he compared his perceived “minor” achievements to those of his friend.

At the funeral, we heard about attributes of real success: a beautiful character and remarkable human being who had faced unimaginable obstacles. When the beauty of a person’s character is impressed upon you, it can change your life forever. It is life-giving to be around a person who exhibits qualities such as honesty, compassion, reverence, humility, courage, integrity, wisdom, or determination. What greater success could there be than the development of these qualities, the qualities of a person with strong character? These are sustaining qualities. This is true success. This was the success that Curtis achieved. This was the difference he made in the lives of every person who was fortunate enough to know him. While the world may not reward these qualities of character like it rewards fame or fortune, strong character is ultimately what matters in life.

May we each reflect upon and come to terms with real success: not meeting the world’s standards, but meeting the benchmark of the soul. Thank you, Curtis, for your life and for reminding me of what matters. Your life was a gift to me. I’m a better person for having known you.

David Irvine, Best-Selling Author and Speaker

I’ve been watching culture in action in the development of my daughter’s soccer team. Eight years ago, on a U8 team with barely enough players, Chandra moved out of recreational soccer to a competitive team. But, the team wasn’t very competitive to say the least. Not only did they not win a game, they scored one – that’s right – one single goal that year. It happened in one of the last games of season. Their team performed so poorly that scoring one goal resulted in so much cheering you’d have thought they just won the championship!

That was eight years ago, when their coaches, Andy and Deedee Cook, began devoting themselves to developing a team out of this group of girls. Culture began that year, sixteen seasons ago. While not always explicit, the values, and thus, the priorities, of this couple and of the team they built were abundantly clear: 1) Fun – in everything they did;  2) Friendships – among every player; and 3) Fundamentals – of both soccer and of character. It was always clear that on this team it is more important to be a good person than a good soccer player. These amazing coaches understand that the game is a tool for something far more important.

In the seasons that followed, the values remained consistent as the friendships grew and the skill levels developed. It wasn’t much about winning in the early days. If they lost, they were more interested in where they were going to go eat after the game. The parents seemed more attached to the win/loss records than the girls ever were. What mattered most was the effort they put in, not the scoreboard. There have been times over the years where they won by a large margin but the coaches were not happy with their effort or application of the skills they had learned,  just as there were games they lost where the coach was thrilled with their execution.

Over time, with these values clearly in place, and as the girls kept having fun, bonding with each other through social events, hard work and discipline, plus strategic coaching and technical sessions for skill development, the team has became an attraction to soccer players and coaches around the province. The team is now attractive, not just because they are winning, but because they are connecting. The are also attractive because of the power of their presence: respect for themselves and others, a commitment to put the team above their self-interest, a positive attitude in everything they do, and a bone-deep commitment to excellence and integrity on and off the field. The coaches have relentlessly modeled this strength of character and have this expectation of everyone. They know how to assess and build on the strengths of every player, creating an environment where every girl knows they belong and contributes to the success of the team in their own unique way.

Over the years this core group of girls have stuck together and grown into a U16 team that is absolutely magical to watch. From a small town with essentially the same group of girls for sixteen seasons (eight years of indoor and outdoor), this team now beats teams from the cities where upwards to 100 girls may try out for the team. This year they are in the midst of an undefeated season in the second highest division in the province, and are currently in the process of progressing to Tier 1, where they will compete with the best players in the province in their age group. Deedee and Andy frequently get calls from girls in the city who would be willing to drive a great distance just to have a chance to play on this team. They are drawn to the culture of this team. Strong, aligned cultures are an attraction. At this stage, it’s all about winning, and, simultaneously, not at all about winning.

Fun, friendships, and fundamentals: culture trumps talent… in sports and in life.

David Irvine, Speaker and Best-Selling Author

Read more: http://www.calgaryherald.com/Letters+Chickens+have+come+home+roost+entitled+generation/4971107/story.html#ixzz1PmPHQWg7

I had my two teenage daughters read this editorial. It lead to a great discussion. Being passionate about accountability, I found myself jumping on this bandwagon. However, we all felt that although Mr. Low makes a valid argument about the disaffected youth of our time and the absence of parental responsibility, it is a sweeping generation and an over-simplistic assessment. As my kids pointed out, the same could be said about a small segment of the youth at any time in history, and lets not forget about the young people who have been contributing to the clean up.

David Irvine, Speaker and Author

My daughter’s best friend, an amazing, authentic young woman, was valedictorian at her high school graduation this week. Here’s a couple of paragraphs from her speech:

“I think that sometimes people are too terrified of failure, and they let it stop them,” Janelle told her graduating class. “You are never a loser for trying. Never. To be honest, one of my favourite quotes comes from Little Miss Sunshine, of all places. When the grandpa is questioned on what a loser means, he says, ‘a real loser is someone who’s so afraid of not winning, they don’t even try.’”

“There’s a preconceived notion surrounding us,” Janelle continued, “that condemns one to be a loser simply for not being the best, or being imperfect. Please, never, ever let yourselves be degraded into believing this. I implore you all to have faith in  yourselves; have faith in your dreams; Our goals are unique and deserve respect; we shouldn’t let anyone make  us inferior for holding on to them. Success doesn’t lie in brilliance or being consistently perfect in all your endeavors. You’d never learn anything that way. Success is discovering, growing, breaking, fixing, and all things to do with uncertainty. Success holds holds a different definition for each person, and no definition is inferior to another. There are so many ways to be successful, and it’s something that each one of us is going to discover for ourselves…”

Thank you, Janelle, for the inspiration of your authentic presence, not just in this speech, but in the influence you have had in my life since you first connected  with our family fourteen years ago. I’m a better person for knowing you. May we all be a little more attuned to the wisdom of our amazing youth, that have so much to teach us about living authentically.