Authenticity: The Uncomfortable Truth About Being Real

That which we are most capable of teaching to others is what we are most in need of developing within ourselves.

Since downsizing last year and letting go of our beautiful acreage, we have moved into a world with less financial stress and more simplicity and freedom. The past eighteen months have been a mix of immense gratitude for the newfound ease in our lives and some sorrow for what we let go of. Amidst much reflection, I’ve also been writing my memoir with my daughter, Hayley, and it is filling me with a whirlwind of raw emotions, insights, vulnerability, and much cathartic release. As a result, I find myself on the threshold of a new identity where my old way of seeing the world is dissolving and a quieter, more honest clarity is forming.

Last fall, in the middle of a presentation about authentic leadership, I heard myself talking in a voice that wasn’t my own, speaking words and phrases that I had learned to keep others comfortable and myself safe rather than speaking what I truly knew. The inauthenticity of the experience, the cost of bending to others’ expectations, was not only ironic, but suddenly became too heavy to ignore. It was in that moment that I felt a disobedience, a quiet collapse of the pattern that I had spent decades shaping – to please, to accommodate, to imitate. It was finally time to step into the messy, uncomfortable frontier where life could actually be lived.

I returned to my hotel room, collapsing into a chair, feeling empty, and recognizing that I had spent years sculpting my life around the expectations and demands of others, while neglecting so much of my own soul. I asked myself, “What am I avoiding by keeping this veneer of accommodation?” It was an invitation to begin to meet the parts of myself that have been exiled, hidden, or silenced in the service of belonging.

I am beginning to see authenticity in a whole new way. I am finally able to see the uncomfortable truth that being real is not just about blunt honesty, but about the courage to risk being misunderstood. To say, “this is what I stand for,” and “this is what I long for,” even when it doesn’t necessarily fit the role others expect. Shaping a life and a business focused entirely around meeting other people’s needs, I was not simply being nice or kind or generous; I was practicing a kind of impersonation, wearing a mask that eventually became my face. And that this, over time, was becoming a kind of slow death — not because there was anything “wrong” with me, but because I was afraid to be more fully human.

I’ve realized my heart has a voice that doesn’t bargain for approval, applause, or employment. It simply asks to be heard. All your heart ultimately cares about is meaning and intimate connection with life, not success or perfection. It wants a richly textured existence that includes beauty, sorrow, contradiction, and mystery, rather than a sanitized and scripted life.

I now see this time as not just letting go of our acreage and lifestyle but also of my old identity. I am finally able to acknowledge how I learned early that my worth is tied to usefulness, approval, and the absence of conflict. The cost was that I was busy, successful, pressured, and stressed to avoid the inner emptiness. It became too difficult to keep up the façade and I now am experiencing what it means to follow the true path to authenticity.

The core of authentic leadership lies in emphasizing self-discovery over imitation, having the courage to express your unique voice amid the pressure of approval. In the words of Warren Bennis, leadership is “synonymous with becoming yourself.” It’s that simple, and it’s that complex. The essence of leadership is not to try to become a “leader.” The essence of leadership is self-expression in the service of others as the path to impact. Rather than adopting borrowed roles, it’s about becoming yourself, and to use all your gifts, skills and passion to make your vision manifest, holding nothing back.

The Path to Authentic Leadership

Grant Yourself Some Grace. Recognize that people-pleasing – negating yourself for the care of others – is a shield against vulnerability. It’s often rooted in perfectionism and fear of disapproval and rejection. Cut yourself a little slack with the same kindness you’d offer a loved one. Acknowledge that suppressing yourself stems from a desire for belonging yet inevitably leads to resentment and guilt.

Make Room for Stillness. The best part of downsizing is that by taking some stress away it allows time to be with yourself. While uncomfortable at first, the stillness makes room for some new perspective to emerge. Stillness is defined as awareness without thought. While the surface of a lake may be tormented by a storm, stillness is that place below the surface that is immune from the tempest. Stillness can take the form of a formal meditation or prayer but can also be found during the course of a day when you slow down and are present to what is in and around you.

Find a Sanctuary. Listening to your heart, distinguishing your inner voice from the voices that clamor for attention outside, requires a place where one can hear it. A sanctuary is a haven where you find refuge from demands, turn off the noise of the world, and attend to the voice within. Claiming sanctuary is part of our nature — it is both innate and necessary for us to want to retreat regularly. “If you don’t go within, you will go without.”

Create Transition Rituals. “Ritual” comes from the Sanskrit word rita, meaning that which illumines your transitions. Transitional rituals are practices that illuminate your nature, bring you back to your center, especially when you are making a transition from one role into another – from work to home, from home to work, between stressful meetings, etc. Examples to try: 1) music; 2) quiet time; 3) exercise or bodywork; 4) connection to nature; 5) inspired reading or conversations…

Disconnect To Connect. The ability to concentrate and connect with your authentic self is a skill that can be learned. It’s a habit. Connect to what matters most and disconnect from what matters least. Schedule time to use technology and social media. Schedule time when you can’t be reached. Answer e-mails only during a set time each day.

Find Confidants. We all need support to discover and connect with our authenticity. Confidants hold a safe space for us to be who we are. Providing perspective, they ask questions like, “What’s going on here?” “How are you – really?” “What does your heart say?” They help us hedge against self-deception by asking, “What is the truth?” “What can be learned from the mistake?” “What are your options for corrective action?” True confidants will also have the courage to ask the tough question: “How are you contributing to the problem you are venting about?”

Preserve A Sense of Purpose. We all need a sense of purpose that gets us up early and keeps us inspired. A sense of purpose helps us take setbacks and failures in stride, enables us to step back and review why we do what we do, and renews our energy.

Welcome Amor Fati. Amor Fati is a Latin phrase that means “love of one’s fate.” Amor Fati points to an attitude where you don’t just tolerate what happens in your life—including suffering, loss, and mistakes—but actively embrace it as necessary and meaningful. Instead of wishing circumstances were different, Amor Fati invites you to see every event as raw material for growth, strength, and wisdom, to the point where you would not want your past or present to be otherwise. Step into depth, meaning, and liberation by befriending the darkness.