Replacing Perfectionism with Being Human

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I’ve spent a good deal of my life trying to be the best at everything I do – at school, in sports, in my work – in every part of my life. While this drive for perfection has led to the achievement of many goals, it has also contributed to much tension and stress in my life. When your worth is attached to an unattainable ideal, not only are you continually frustrated, you miss opportunities assuming you can’t do them perfectly. I’ve also wasted far too much time and energy trying to complete projects perfectly rather than embrace the beauty of “good enough.”

I know that the seeds of perfectionism were planted in my response to trauma. With little control during the formative years of my life, I unknowingly tried to be perfect at everything as a way of controlling the uncontrollable in order to feel safe.

Today, I am learning to find the good side of my addiction to perfection. I see the strength that comes in daily disciplines, routines, and efforts to improve. I know that my temperament responds well to discipline and structure. And rather than striving for perfection, I’m content with making progress. As I let go of perfection and learn to live with greater authenticity, passion, and presence, I am actually enjoying life more and even making a greater contribution. And I hope I’m a little more enjoyable and fun to be around. To borrow from Leonard Cohen, I’m letting go of my “perfect offering” and remembering what it means to be human.

Leadership is not always easy, but it’s worth it.

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Here are a few ways that indicate you are doing a good job as a leader – even when it feels like you may not be.

  1. Connection. People initiate a connection with you. They come into your office. They reach out to you. They seek your advice. Initiating connection is an indication of trust.
  2. Results. The results are there. You are achieving your goals. You are achieving the goals of the organization. And you’re doing it as a team.
  3. Empowerment. People around you feel good about their own success and the success of the team. They express pride in working together to achieve something difficult. Credit goes to the team, not you.
  4. Self-Honesty. Just questioning whether you are a good leader indicates humility and an effort to be honest with yourself – qualities of a great leader. I don’t trust anyone who doesn’t admit to a healthy dose of self-doubt every once and awhile.
  5. Enjoyment. This is, for me, the most important measurement. I suppose there are a few incompetent leaders who enjoy themselves, but most are stressed and anxious. When you’re enjoying yourself (at least most days), and the people around you are relaxed and having a great time doing hard stuff, you are doing something right as a leader.

You may have your own list. I’d love to hear what is on it.

Burnout, Leadership, and the Tyranny of the Transactions

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Every job has a transactional aspect and a transformational aspect. The transactional aspect deals with such issues as budgeting, planning, performance management, and administration. The transformational side of management is about inspiring, connecting, mentoring, and visioning. Every job has both of these components. Even in the case of a grocery store clerk, the transactional side is about task completion and operational excellence. The transformational side is about the relationship with the customer – the connection you make in the transaction. Transactions get the job done, but it’s the transformational side where we find meaning, purpose, and fulfillment in our work.

Burnout is not about hard work; it’s about heart ache. If we aren’t intentional and deliberate, transactional demands can squeeze out what truly matters: making connections, building relationships, and transforming lives. It’s transactions that burn us out and create exhaustion. One of the reasons that the pandemic was so hard on leaders is that the pressures and demands of maintaining protocols and keeping people safe – the tyranny of the transactional – left little space for transformational work.

Next time you are asked how you are, and you reply with “busy,” take a moment to look inside and ask, “Is it a good busy?” Is it the fulfillment of transformational work, or is it the busy that drains your energy through the tyranny of the transaction? How the balance is between the transactional and the transformational aspects of your work? Both are important and both need attending to.

If you are out of balance and want to step away from the tyranny of the urgent, join us in our upcoming Authentic Leadership Academy in November. Check it out at: https://lnkd.in/gMi2euzp

We all have blind spots

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Despite our sincere efforts to be a good leader, we all have blind spots – behaviors that are harmful to our leadership and we are unaware of. And because we don’t see them, we just keep managing the demands in front of us, with our blind spots leaving a destructive wake. Just as there is always a gap between what we espouse in our culture and the reality of our culture, there is always a gap between the self we think we present and the way others see us.

Unacknowledged blind spots will limit your impact and diminish your overall leadership capacity.

Five strategies for working with your blind spots:

  1. Make working with your blind spots a priority. Accept that you have them – we all do – and be committed to uncovering them. It’s not the blind spots per se, that are destructive. It’s our unwillingness to see them and work with them.
  2. Be curious. Carve out time for self-reflection. If we’re honest with ourselves, we have a sense of what our blind spots are. For me, one is when results aren’t immediate, and I’m stressed from not having the control of the outcomes. And when I’m stressed, I’m tense, and I question the impact I am having on my team. Other blind spot possibilities to consider include insensitivity to your people in a drive for results, over-valuing being right, a lack of strategic thinking, inflexibility, etc.
  3. Get regular feedback from people who know you and will tell you the truth. Feedback can come from a trusted confidant, a coach, or a support group. It can also come from your team – even if you start by making it anonymous.
  4. Acknowledge your blind spots and ask your team to elaborate. In my case, Marg, my VP of Client Care, elaborated on my blind spot when she explained that when results are down I have a tendency to disconnect from my vision, get stubborn and rigid, and resort to black-and-white thinking. This diminishes and disrespects the efforts of the team, while dis-inspiring people. Tension is contagious, and the team withdraws.
  5. Thank your team for their courage, recommit to make a change, and ask for their support. I find it useful, at this point, to craft an accountability agreement for how we will help each other grow.

Working with your blind spots is less about a destination and more about a method of travel.

Openly embracing your blind spots on a regular, ongoing basis restores your commitment to grow, keeps your vision fresh, and is a way for your team to continue to build courage, trust, and openness with each other.

The Power of Accountability Partners

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For the past forty years, I’ve been helping people make changes in their life. Rarely, if ever, do I see lasting change without support and some accountability from others. It’s just too easy to drift back to familiar patterns and habits when we attempt to make changes on our own.

Years ago I came across the notion of Accountability Partners. After every seminar, I have everyone choose an Accountability Partner before getting back into the demands of their lives.

There are five criteria for an effective Accountability Partner:

  1. They are committed to supporting you to grow and change in a way that is right for you. They have no hidden agenda.
  2. You choose them. Like a good mentor that you reach out to, you have to decide who the right person is to work with.
  3. An effective accountability process involves clearly defined agreements: What do you agree to in the relationship? What are you committed to change? What does support and accountability look like in this relationship to ensure the needed change?
  4. Accountability Partners help hold you accountable in a way that supports your growth and change, whatever way you define that to be.
  5. There must be mutual benefit. As you define the expectations and parameters of the Accountability Partner relationship, be sure to be explicit about the value each person is getting from the relationship.

I’d love to hear what your experience is working with Accountability Partners.

Leadership – Connecting Is At The Core

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Life depends on connections, and the quality of your life depends on the quality of your connections. Every system depends on connections. Circulatory systems, nervous systems, organizational systems, ecosystems, family systems. You name it – it’s about connection. If you can’t make a connection, not much else matters.

All the people in my life that I call a leader created a place where I belonged. And connection was at the core.

My grade 1 teacher, Mrs. Betker, cared about me. I was an anxious, shy kid, and in her class I felt safe. My grade 7 teacher, Miss Arnold, took time after class to help me write better. And my high school football coach, Mr. Gustafson, inspired me with a vision for my contribution on the team and a belief in myself. He took the time to know me and know what I could contribute best.

Compassion, humanity, grace, forgiveness, togetherness – unfortunately, these are not words that describe our world. We’re divided by hate and fear rather than united by love and empathy.

But not on Ted Lasso. The show provides a respite from all of that. More importantly, it reminds us what we could do if only we all tried to follow Coach Lasso’s lead. In the series, we see Ted’s capacity to create commitment through caring. His infectious positivity inevitably brings out the good in those around him, even those reluctant to embrace him. By doing so they all create a better, more loving, more welcoming place.

With all the important talk about diversity, equity, inclusion and treating people fairly, if employees still don’t truly feel that you care and they belong, organizational efforts are missing the mark.