We all have bad days – even weeks. How do you know when it’s a you vs. them problem?

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It’s never a you vs. them problem. It’s always a you and them problem. In every relationship challenge there are always two sides. When facing a relationship problem, the accountability approach asks: “How am I contributing to the problem I am complaining about?” This question implies a commitment to look at your side of the issue.

While the other person is also contributing to the problem, all you can control is your side of the street. It’s not necessarily 50/50, but there is always something you can learn and do differently. This replaces blame with personal responsibility and understanding.

As leaders, is there value in sharing our mistakes, or is it okay to keep some things private?

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Sharing mistakes can foster a culture of learning, trust, and psychological safety within an organization. When leaders openly discuss their errors, it encourages team members to take risks, be innovative, and learn from failures without fear of punishment. Sharing mistakes demonstrates confidence, promotes humility, fosters collaboration, and improves performance through better problem-solving and faster resolution of issues. Sharing mistakes is critical to create a climate of collaboration and discovery.

It’s not appropriate to share mistakes in order to get unnecessary sympathy or to share confidential information. Sharing mistakes has to serve the team. It won’t make your team stronger by confessing you made a bad personal financial investment or you treated your spouse poorly before you came to work.

How do you discern between what needs sharing in the workplace and what is better kept private?

How much time do you spend talking vs. listening? Take a listen/talk ratio audit.

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Communication involves talking and listening and is foundational to leadership. Ideally, An ideal ratio is 2:1 where you listen at least twice as much as talk. That’s why we have two ears and only one mouth.

I talk excessively when:

  • I feel compelled to showcase my expertise and knowledge.
  • I’m anxious and feel a lack of control in a situation.
  • I’m insecure. Talking is a coping strategy for me.

Others may talk too much to over-compensate for poor listening skills, or when they feel pressured to provide guidance, when extroversion is a personality trait, or when they feel compelled to jockey for power in a competitive working environment.

Consequences of over-talking include:

  • Being perceived as arrogant and thus a loss of respect.
  • People not feeling understood.
  • Missing important insights and understanding.

When you listen more than you talk you receive more information, build trust, make meaningful connections, and increase your impact when you speak.

We are better off when we increase our self-awareness about how much we talk vs. listen, develop better listening skills, practice more concise communication, and foster a more collaborative environment that encourages input from all team members.

Boundaries vs. Comfort Zones

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We need to respect boundaries and stretch comfort zones… how to tell the difference.

Boundaries and comfort zones are crucial for personal growth and well-being. They are intended to protect you, but in different ways. Boundaries protect in a way that enables you to grow while comfort zones protect you in ways that disable growth.

Boundaries include: refusing to tolerate disrespectful or abusive behavior, setting limits on work hours, or declining to discuss certain topics with certain people.

Comfort zones allow you to hide behind the familiar when you don’t have the courage or ability to set boundaries. Tolerating disrespectful or abusive behavior, people pleasing, staying in a comfortable, secure job instead of following your heart, or not saying no can become so familiar that you won’t risk stepping out of your comfort zone. Yet taking the risk to do what’s uncomfortable is where growth lies.

How to respect boundaries while stretching your comfort zone:

  1. Identify personal limits and non-negotiable boundaries.
  2. Set clear goals for personal growth that inspire you to step out of your comfort zone.
  3. Take calculated risks that challenge you while sustaining clear boundaries.
  4. Reflect on experiences that distinguish between the helpful discomfort of boundaries and the harmful comfort of hiding in your comfort zone.

Remember, growth occurs when you voluntarily step out of your comfort zone while maintaining firm boundaries along the way.

The holidays are meant to be a time to relax, s-l-o-w d-o-w-n and reconnect with our internal rhythm.

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There’s no “right” way to get through the holidays. The authentic way is to attend to what’s in your heart and design, as best as you can, a holiday that is right for you and your loved ones.

This week, my wife’s dear aunt passed away peacefully at the age of 98, after a good and meaningful life. Also this week, a close friend was diagnosed with a brain tumor and spent his sixty third birthday in surgery. And another friend shared his story with me this week of losing his son to suicide. Sometimes Christmas is not the happiest time of the year.

This year’s holiday I will keep up my mental and physical health routines, spend time outdoors, connect with the most important people in my life, and make room for a gamut of emotions, including grief, gratitude, and joy. Above all, I will strive to keep it simple.

What’s in your heart in this holiday season?

Unmasking Your Life

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During the holiday season, family gatherings can bring a mix of joy and tension such as when Susan found herself preparing for another holiday with her family. For years, she wore a mask of perfection—the jovial daughter, the dutiful sister, and the calm intermediary in family conflicts. But inside, she felt overwhelmed beneath the festive façade.

As her family jovially gathered around the table, her brother’s sarcasm and jabs about her career choices began, she felt the familiar urge to retreat behind her mask. But this year was different; she had been working on embracing her authentic self. It was time to start getting real.

We all wear masks at times in our life and in our leadership. Masks can be both a blessing and a curse.

If learning about masks interests you, I hope you will join me in my complimentary webinar this Friday: https://davidirvine.com/complimentary-webinars