Tag Archive for: AuthenticLeadership

Replacing Perfectionism with Being Human

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I’ve spent a good deal of my life trying to be the best at everything I do – at school, in sports, in my work – in every part of my life. While this drive for perfection has led to the achievement of many goals, it has also contributed to much tension and stress in my life. When your worth is attached to an unattainable ideal, not only are you continually frustrated, you miss opportunities assuming you can’t do them perfectly. I’ve also wasted far too much time and energy trying to complete projects perfectly rather than embrace the beauty of “good enough.”

I know that the seeds of perfectionism were planted in my response to trauma. With little control during the formative years of my life, I unknowingly tried to be perfect at everything as a way of controlling the uncontrollable in order to feel safe.

Today, I am learning to find the good side of my addiction to perfection. I see the strength that comes in daily disciplines, routines, and efforts to improve. I know that my temperament responds well to discipline and structure. And rather than striving for perfection, I’m content with making progress. As I let go of perfection and learn to live with greater authenticity, passion, and presence, I am actually enjoying life more and even making a greater contribution. And I hope I’m a little more enjoyable and fun to be around. To borrow from Leonard Cohen, I’m letting go of my “perfect offering” and remembering what it means to be human.

Leadership is not always easy, but it’s worth it.

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Here are a few ways that indicate you are doing a good job as a leader – even when it feels like you may not be.

  1. Connection. People initiate a connection with you. They come into your office. They reach out to you. They seek your advice. Initiating connection is an indication of trust.
  2. Results. The results are there. You are achieving your goals. You are achieving the goals of the organization. And you’re doing it as a team.
  3. Empowerment. People around you feel good about their own success and the success of the team. They express pride in working together to achieve something difficult. Credit goes to the team, not you.
  4. Self-Honesty. Just questioning whether you are a good leader indicates humility and an effort to be honest with yourself – qualities of a great leader. I don’t trust anyone who doesn’t admit to a healthy dose of self-doubt every once and awhile.
  5. Enjoyment. This is, for me, the most important measurement. I suppose there are a few incompetent leaders who enjoy themselves, but most are stressed and anxious. When you’re enjoying yourself (at least most days), and the people around you are relaxed and having a great time doing hard stuff, you are doing something right as a leader.

You may have your own list. I’d love to hear what is on it.

The Power of Accountability Partners

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For the past forty years, I’ve been helping people make changes in their life. Rarely, if ever, do I see lasting change without support and some accountability from others. It’s just too easy to drift back to familiar patterns and habits when we attempt to make changes on our own.

Years ago I came across the notion of Accountability Partners. After every seminar, I have everyone choose an Accountability Partner before getting back into the demands of their lives.

There are five criteria for an effective Accountability Partner:

  1. They are committed to supporting you to grow and change in a way that is right for you. They have no hidden agenda.
  2. You choose them. Like a good mentor that you reach out to, you have to decide who the right person is to work with.
  3. An effective accountability process involves clearly defined agreements: What do you agree to in the relationship? What are you committed to change? What does support and accountability look like in this relationship to ensure the needed change?
  4. Accountability Partners help hold you accountable in a way that supports your growth and change, whatever way you define that to be.
  5. There must be mutual benefit. As you define the expectations and parameters of the Accountability Partner relationship, be sure to be explicit about the value each person is getting from the relationship.

I’d love to hear what your experience is working with Accountability Partners.

Leadership – Connecting Is At The Core

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Life depends on connections, and the quality of your life depends on the quality of your connections. Every system depends on connections. Circulatory systems, nervous systems, organizational systems, ecosystems, family systems. You name it – it’s about connection. If you can’t make a connection, not much else matters.

All the people in my life that I call a leader created a place where I belonged. And connection was at the core.

My grade 1 teacher, Mrs. Betker, cared about me. I was an anxious, shy kid, and in her class I felt safe. My grade 7 teacher, Miss Arnold, took time after class to help me write better. And my high school football coach, Mr. Gustafson, inspired me with a vision for my contribution on the team and a belief in myself. He took the time to know me and know what I could contribute best.

Compassion, humanity, grace, forgiveness, togetherness – unfortunately, these are not words that describe our world. We’re divided by hate and fear rather than united by love and empathy.

But not on Ted Lasso. The show provides a respite from all of that. More importantly, it reminds us what we could do if only we all tried to follow Coach Lasso’s lead. In the series, we see Ted’s capacity to create commitment through caring. His infectious positivity inevitably brings out the good in those around him, even those reluctant to embrace him. By doing so they all create a better, more loving, more welcoming place.

With all the important talk about diversity, equity, inclusion and treating people fairly, if employees still don’t truly feel that you care and they belong, organizational efforts are missing the mark.

How To Help A Team Member Who’s Experiencing Anxiety

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Recognizing when a colleague or employee is struggling with mental health challenges can be vital to making sure they get the support they need in a timely manner. Helping them to work through anxiety in a caring way is also better for productivity. Employees who feel respected and supported are more likely to thrive in their roles.

Here are a few tips to recognize and support a colleague who may be struggling. If working remotely, all the more reason to be in touch and aware of what’s going on.

  1. Accept that anxiety can be a part of a good life. There’s nothing “wrong” with you if you are experiencing anxiety. It simply means that you have lost some perspective and are trying to control an uncontrollable situation in order to feel safe. People experiencing anxiety need our support, not our judgement. When we’re anxious, we don’t need to get anxious about being anxious.
  2. Notice changes in behavior. Unusual behaviors like irritability, impatience, withdrawal, emotional outbursts, and fatigue can be indicators that a colleague is facing a challenge and needs support. Be aware that challenges like depression, grief, and trauma can accompany or present as anxiety.
  3. Start a conversation. Mental health challenges create opportunities for connection. If you notice that your co-worker’s behavior has changed, start a conversation with phrases like “How are you feeling?” “Are you doing okay?” “You don’t seem yourself these days. Do you want to talk about what’s going on?” Or “How are things going today?” These questions open the door to support your colleague in the best way possible and offer resources when appropriate. Respect that timing is a factor and stay open for a response if/when they are ready. Of course, this is contingent on your relationship before the onset of their anxiety.
  4. Create a safe space for your colleague to share their feelings with you. Remember, anxiety, like all emotions, can’t be “fixed;” only supported. Create a safe, supportive, respectful space so they will open up to you at an appropriate time. Holding the space for them without rescuing or fixing is enough. You are their friend, not their therapist. After you have listened, you can explore whatever resources they may need and ways to help access them.
  5. Negotiate expectations and agreements. Letting people off the hook when they are anxious does not help them in the long run. Having expectations is generally helpful. Self-respect comes from being needed, not being rescued, and from showing up. However, expectations may need to be lowered and renegotiated. What is non-negotiable is lowering your standards of accountability and integrity. Follow through and keep the promises you make to each other. We all feel better when we do that.

What’s The Difference Between “Value Statements” and Real “Values?”

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A senior manager recently told me how her boss criticized their work to a contractor she had hired without speaking with her first. Because the values in the company included respect, open communication, and collaboration, she respectfully approached him about her feelings and a proposed plan of action going forward. He abruptly dismissed her, saying in no uncertain terms that it was his prerogative to speak with whomever he wanted, and held her comments against her thereafter.

Values are meant to guide our decisions and our actions, but we really don’t know what our values are until they are tested under pressure. Most of us are skeptical of the lofty declarations of those in leadership positions as we experience the hypocrisy of their actions.

Most organizations have “value statements,” but few have a process to turn these statements into real “values” – a process of accountability that ensures everyone is expected to live them.

Here’s a few guidelines for making your values real:

  1. Make your values aspirational, not just descriptive. Values need to inspire everyone in the organization to bring their best self to their work.
  2. Ensure that each value is accompanied by expected behaviors of every employee.
  3. Every positional leader needs a Values Conversation with every person they serve that includes:
    • What do these values mean to you?
    • What do we expect from each other?
    • How will we know that we are living the values here?
    • How can we support each other to live these values in a meaningful way?
    • What happens when we discover a gap between what we espouse and the reality of our actions?
    • How will we hold each other accountable – in a way that honours our values?

There’s an ending to my friend’s story. Through a continued series of actions incongruent with the values of the company, the executive was eventually fired. The Senior Executive Team understood that they needed to lead in alignment with what they espoused. The decision to fire this person made a significant positive impact on the culture. People started to have regain faith in their positional leaders and in the culture.

Let’s renew our workplaces with a firm resolve to know what we stand for and follow it up with a promise to turn value statements into real values. Talk is cheap but behaviour is expensive; that’s why behaviour is a credible indicator of authenticity.

If you need support with getting your value statements off the wall and into the hearts of your people, feel free to reach out and schedule a complimentary call: marg@davidirvine.com