Tag Archive for: Trust

The relationship between accountability and grace – when to hold the line and when to let it go

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When our daughter was a teenager she asked to change her curfew for a special event. We wrestled with the decision as she took the time to build her case. We eventually changed the curfew, and to this day I don’t know if it was the right decision. Often there is no “right” decision, but going through the struggle of the decision gave our daughter a clear message -that we care.

If you are blindly pleasing people or thoughtlessly and continuously coming down on people, you likely aren’t building a high trust culture. Sometimes you simply don’t know when to hold the line and when to let it go. But if you are invested in the struggle, people will know you care and will lean into trusting you – and you will ultimately get the desired results from your people.

Trust may not be what you think it is.

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Like so many words, trust is both over-rated and misunderstood. I often hear, “I’m not going to engage here because there’s no trust,” or “We have to work on getting trust before we can achieve results.”

One thing I know about trust is that it is not a prerequisite. Trust, like confidence, isn’t something you need before you do something. Instead, do something right and trust will follow. If you want trust before you take a risk, there’s no risk. There’s no action. And there’ll be no trust.

Instead of waiting for, or worrying about, trust, get to work on a worthwhile project and trust will emerge from your actions. Be intentional about building cohesiveness through clear expectations, empathic communication and the safety to speak up, and trust will be your reward.

In short, the feeling of trusting someone is built on right actions. You don’t feel your way into right action. You act your way into right feelings.

And getting trust leads to more trust. Trust begets trust.

There are people who do not feel safe at work. They don’t feel safe to speak honestly, offer ideas, or be themselves.

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There are people who do not feel safe at work. They don’t feel safe to speak honestly, offer ideas, or be themselves.

They fear that sharing concerns and mistakes will mean embarrassment or retribution; that if they are honest, they will be humiliated, ignored, or blamed. They fear asking questions when they are unsure of something. They sit on their hands, stay within the lines, underperform and become dissatisfied.

When people are afraid, they stay dangerously silent, they disengage, they lie, and they leave if they can. Or worst of all, they quit and stay.

Far too many managers – knowingly and unknowingly – believe that fear motivates. Too many managers are unaware of how unacknowledged stress and anxiety breeds fear. Brain science has demonstrated that fear inhibits learning, productivity, engagement, innovation, and fulfillment.

How can we, as leaders, create safe workplaces?

When offered an opportunity that feels too BIG or too Challenging – how do we know what we can handle?

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Frankly, sometimes I don’t know. I have often found myself jumping off a cliff and building wings as I fall. Usually things work out if I lean into whatever is challenging me.

Here’s a few things I do know:

  1. If I’m comfortable, I’m probably not growing. I don’t need to be growing all the time, but I need to be growing some of the time, so I welcome discomfort periodically as an opportunity to learn something new.
  2. If something feels too big or too challenging, it’s helpful to ask myself if the fear is helping or hindering me. Sometimes I need to listen to the fear and back off because it’s something that’s not right for me at the time or good for me. And sometimes I need to walk through the fear and not pay too much attention to it.
  3. I generally find it helpful to talk this through with a trusted colleague, friend, or guide. I often need support and guidance to sort it out.

Is it ever okay to lie at work?

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What upsets me is not that you lied to me, but that I can no longer believe in you. – Friedrich Nietzsche

No. It is never okay to lie at work.

But you have to understand that, while telling the truth is vital to establishing trust, truth-telling has to be tempered with skill, tact, and good judgment. Truth without respect is not truth at all. It’s brutality. The kind of truth when your four-year old says you look fat in a bathing suit lacks maturity and sensitivity. You expect that from a four-year old, but not a forty-year old.

Sometimes we need to withhold information or temper the truth with discretion because we deem it best for the greater good or for the good of the person on the receiving end.

In “The Speed of Trust,” Stephen Covey tells a story about his father in a clothing store in Canada. As he was considering the cost of purchasing a fairly expensive coat, he mentioned that he would have to add to the duty tax that would be imposed when he returned to the U.S:

“Don’t worry about the duty,” the store manager said. “Just wear it! Then you won’t have to pay the tax.”

“But I have to declare the things I’ve bought and am bringing into the country,” my father explained.

“Don’t declare it; just wear it,” the manager said once again. “Don’t worry about the tax.”

My father was silent for a moment, and then said, “Look, frankly I’m not as worried about having to pay the tax as I am about that new salesperson you’re training. He’s learning from you. What is he going to think when you sign his commission? What kind of trust is he going to have in you in guiding his career?”

So… if you want to build trust, good will, and respect in the workplace, it’s never okay to lie.

Depositing Into The Trust Account

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I learned years ago from my mentor, Steve Covey, about the emotional bank account.

We all know what a financial bank account is. We make deposits into it and build up a reserve from which we can make withdrawals when we need to. An Emotional Bank Account is a metaphor describing the amount of trust built up in a relationship. If we invest in a relationship, we are bound from time to time, either knowingly or unknowingly, to make withdrawals.

The key is to be sure that you always have something in the account to withdraw from. Always be sure your deposits are more than your withdrawals.

Here’s some example of deposits:

  • Courtesy and Kindness
  • Honoring your agreements
  • Showing appreciation and recognition (in ways that are meaningful to the recipient)
  • Apologizing
  • Humility, being open to learn from others
  • Truly listening, with empathy, for their concerns, their desires, and what matters to them
  • Taking responsibility for your actions
  • Taking people for coffee

Here’s some examples of making withdrawals:

  • Discourtesy and disrespect
  • Ignoring the people in your life and the mistakes you make in your relationships
  • A lack of openness to listen or to get feedback
  • Arrogance, being closed to learning
  • Being blind to the impact your actions are having on others or the mistakes you make
  • Abuse of power
  • Blaming, complaining, and gossiping
  • Taking people for granted

I’d love to hear about how you make deposits or withdrawals into the trust account in the relationships in your life.