Self-Care Is Not an Option Or A Luxury. Self-Care Is a Responsibility.

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We all understand the reason flight attendants tell us to, in the event of an emergency, “put your own oxygen mask on first.” We are truly no good to anyone else if we don’t look after ourselves. One of the accountabilities that comes with leadership is your responsibility to take care of yourself—and no situation or person can justify neglecting this duty.

But what exactly is self-care?

  1. Self-Care is not the same as Self-Centered. We take care of ourselves so we can take care of the world we serve. Self-Centered means we take care of ourselves so we can take care of ourselves.
  2. Self-Care is not comfortable. In the words of Brianna West, “True self-care is not salt baths and chocolate cake. True self-care is making the choice to build a life you don’t need to regularly escape from.”
  3. Self-Care is knowing what your values are and establishing non-negotiable daily habits that are in alignment with these values – not because it’s easy but because you made a promise to yourself to ensure that what matters most, matters most.
  4. Self-Care means accepting being an imperfect human. We can’t be all things to anyone. We can only be who we are. Self-care means that we understand that we can say no, so people will trust our yes.
  5. Self-Care means understanding the difference between loving and pleasing. Loving comes from overflow. Pleasing comes from emptiness. Loving comes from strength. Pleasing comes from insecurity. Loving gives us energy. Pleasing depletes us.

The undervalued virtue of human goodness

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The undervalued virtue of human goodness

Growing up on a farm meant that we took our garbage to the dump every month.

A man named Monti lived there in a discarded trailer. Monti lived off of what other people dropped off. He had a thick, matted grey beard that hung down his chest and was always dressed in same old tattered coveralls. He smelled worse than a dead rat. And every time we visited the dump, Monti and his toothless smile greeted us as we unloaded the garbage.

Dad would faithfully stop with a thermos of hot chocolate and visit with him when we were done. It was painful for me to sit through the conversation in that old, foul-smelling trailer. I never quite understood why my father had the time of day for Monti.

That is, until my parents sold the farm and Monti rode his old bike ten miles to say good-bye to my father. He had tears in his eyes the last time he and my father shook hands. I saw how much my father’s kindness meant too him.

Today, after many years of working with and learning from a wide range of leaders, I understand that those seeds of goodness planted in my formative years were my first exposure to leadership. I’ve learned that although ability matters in a leader, inner qualities matter more.

How To Fix An Accountability Problem

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It’s frustrating when the people we work with don’t meet our expectations.
While it’s easy to blame others, people fail to perform as expected for three reasons:

  1. Communication.
    People are not clear about expectation(s). Make sure you have communicated clearly what you expect and how you will measure results. Be sure to include both operational and attitudinal expectations (how you expect people to act in alignment with your values).
  2. Capacity.
    People don’t have the competencies or adequate resources to ensure that expectations are met. Make sure you’ve made it safe to talk about it with your team and to work together to ensure that they have the capability and resources to meet your expectations.
  3. Commitment.
    People choose not to perform as expected. Be sure you have done everything you can to find out why the commitment is absent:

    • a. Is it a poor fit? Is there a better place in the organization for them or is there a better way to define their work?
    • b. Is there something going on their life that is temporarily distracting them and draining their energy? What support might they need? (Notice if their lack of commitment is out of character or if its been a long-term pattern).
    • c. Have you been clear enough and tough enough to follow through? Set your people up for success, and then ensure that you have the right people on the team.

What is your team learning from your behavior?

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When my daughter was five, she overheard me complaining about visiting my mother-in-law. I’m sure she didn’t hear the whole conversation. It would have been helpful if I’d have taken the time to fill in some of the gaps. What she got was the negativity.

It was a long drive. I had a lot of work on my plate. And I wasn’t sure if I had the time to visit Grandma, but we made the three-hour trip to visit Mary.

When we got to Mary’s door, I expressed how much we were looking forward to the visit.

My daughter looked me square in the eyes (with Grandma standing right beside us) and exclaimed, “Dad, I thought you didn’t like Grandma.”

It took a long time to dig my way out of that hole.

You never know what kids hear or the meaning they make from their experiences. But parents and care-givers know they are always watching us. Taking cues. Learning behavior. Observing and being educated.

Children don’t do as we say – they do as we do. This is true whether it’s how much time we spend on our devices, the language we use, or the attitude we have about our work and our life.

The same is true for any leadership.
We are always modeling the behavior we can expect. People are always watching us.

When you are promoted into a leadership role, you don’t get more power – you get more accountability.

You don’t have to be perfect. You just have to be conscious.

Spring holds a special importance to me.

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It’s a time of renewal. Of new beginnings and transformations. After months of cold, spring brings everything back to life in a new way.

And with the spring, comes Easter – a time of reflection that asks, “What is dying, and what is waiting to be born? What is in need of letting go, to make room for something new to emerge? What needs resurrecting?”

I believe that when we are truly committed to following a dream, there exists an unseen force that moves us toward our goal. But through some old, familiar habits, I’ve been hindering the unfolding of my own dream of creating a community of authentic leaders from around the world.

Reflections this past Easter weekend revealed that I’ve been shouldering the responsibility for the strategy and marketing of this dream – even though I suck at strategy and marketing. Afraid of the financial risk and unable to create the right conditions, I’ve spent too much energy frustrated and exhausted ironically doing what is not in alignment with my own authenticity.

This spring, I’m letting go of the responsibility of being the one to strategize this. I’m deciding to stay in my lane. I resolve to do what I do best while I continue to work with our great team in bringing value to our clients. I will keep speaking, writing, and facilitating authentic leadership programs. And when the time is right, I’m trusting that the right circumstances will present themselves. Instead of trying to control this thing, I am choosing, instead, to allow life to flow through me. I’m deciding to let go of the frustration and open myself to possibility.

Can you be too vulnerable as a leader?

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Is there such a thing as giving “too much information” as a leader?

We want to show up as our authentic selves, but is there a line that should not be crossed?

I had a client who told me she no longer believed in authenticity.

“I lost all my credibility being authentic. I had learned that authenticity builds trustworthiness, so I was honest with my new team and told them how insecure I felt coming into the new role and wasn’t sure if I was up to the task. They all shut down on me. I couldn’t earn their trust or get a grip on the results that we needed. After four months of frustration, I found a new job in a new organization.”

“That’s not authenticity,” I told her. That’s therapy.”

Don’t expect your team to fix you or straighten you out or look after you. Bring your problems to your therapist (or coach or confidant). Bring your solutions to your team. That’s authenticity.

Once you unpack your fears, doubts, insecurities, and connect with your humanness, you can go to your team and convey your confidence to them. You are then ready, in a real way, to enlist their support for your cause. Being authentic doesn’t mean allowing your fears to take over. It means being honest with yourself and another trusted person who can support you to bring your whole self to what you do.

To dive more deeply into the topic of authenticity, join me in my next complimentary monthly webinar: https://lnkd.in/d37Prt4a