Masks and Mindfulness: The Path to Authentic Living

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Now I become myself.

It’s taken time, many years and places,

I’ve been dissolved and shaken,

Worn other people’s faces…

– May Sarton

For the past year I’ve been a part of the Men’s Shed – a community-based, non-profit organization that provides a safe, supportive, and inclusive workshop space for men. We support men to be better men, to make a better community. At Men’s Sheds, men connect, share skills, and work on projects (like woodworking or repairs) to reduce isolation and improve men’s wellbeing. These spaces promote social interaction and wellness, offering a space for “shoulder-to-shoulder” conversation and purpose for men of all ages. I have learned from those in my Men’s Shed community that shed is not just a noun, a “place” where men meet; shed is also a verb: to rid oneself of something unwanted, to release or let go, to discharge something from within, and sometimes even to shed tears or to shed light on something.

I see men building practical things or meeting for coffee and support, or shedding burdens, shedding isolation, shedding silence, shedding perfectionism, and shedding the pressure of having to carry everything alone. We are also shedding many of the masks we have worn in our lifetime.

Many of us wear masks without realizing it. We learn early which parts of ourselves are acceptable, which feelings are safe to show, and which struggles should be hidden. We become skilled at appearing fine while feeling exhausted, competent while feeling lost, confident while feeling afraid. Over time, the masks can become so familiar that we mistake them for identity. The cost of constantly performing is often disconnection from ourselves, from one another, and from the deeper truth of what it means to be human.

Mindfulness offers a different path. It invites us to pause, notice what is real, and meet our experience without judgment. In that pause, we begin to see the difference between who we are and who we have been trying to be. Mindfulness does not ask us to become perfect. It asks us to become present. And presence, more than performance, is where authentic living begins.

What inspires me most about Men’s Sheds is that together we create a setting where men can work side by side without needing to force connection. Conversation grows naturally. Trust is built through shared purpose. The hands stay busy, but the heart is not left behind. That kind of environment matters because belonging often begins with simple things: showing up, being useful, and being seen.

The same is true in our personal lives. Authentic living is rarely dramatic. It usually begins with small acts of honesty. A man admits he is angry and wants to learn better ways of dealing with it. Another says he is grieving. Someone else reveals he is lonely, even when surrounded by people. These moments may seem ordinary, but they are deeply courageous. When one person lowers the mask, permission is given for others to do the same.

Being a part of this community reminds me that vulnerability is not weakness; it is a form of strength that makes connection possible. When men release the demand to be invulnerable, something human and healing can emerge. We begin to discover that we are not alone in our struggles, and that others do not need us to be flawless to respect us. In fact, authenticity often deepens respect because it is grounded in truth.

The beauty of this kind of shedding is that it makes room for light. When we let go of what we no longer need, we create space for what matters most: belonging, honesty, compassion, and shared humanity. We shed light not by pretending we have it all figured out, but by telling the truth about our lives. In that truth, we let the light in and help each other connect to our true nature in service to others.

Three Action Steps

  1. Notice the mask you wear most often. Ask yourself where you feel pressure to appear strong, certain, or unaffected. Simply noticing the pattern is the first step toward loosening its grip.
  2. Practice one honest conversation each week. Choose one trusted person and speak one true sentence you have been holding back. It might be about stress, grief, fear, or exhaustion. Honest words create connection.
  3. Create a regular space for release. This could be journaling, walking, prayer, meditation, or time in a shed, workshop, or shared space with others. Give yourself a place where you can let go of what you have been carrying.

In the end, masks may help us get through a moment, but they cannot sustain a life. Mindfulness helps us notice when we are hiding, and community helps us remember that we do not have to. The path to authentic living is not found in pretending to be untouchable. It is found in learning how to shed what is false, so that what is true can finally breathe.

Words people use to describe great leaders

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If you ask AI for a profile of a great leader, you’ll get something like, “great leaders are visionary, inspirational, empathetic, decisive, innovative, collaborative, charismatic, resilient, authentic, and strategic.” This may be a good list to aspire to, but it’s an impossible standard to uphold if you think you have to be there to be called a great leader.

While the best leaders (with or without a title) do exhibit many of these attributes, the two qualities that eclipse them all are self-awareness and self-assurance (my good friend, Jeremy Amyotte, wrote a great book on these topics). Some days you may not exhibit any of these qualities, or some are simply not in your wheelhouse of strength. Self-awareness and self-assurance mean that you are comfortable enough with yourself to be honest about the gaps in your leadership – whether on a particular day or in your leadership in general – and either find others to fill those gaps or at least not hurt people or your organization by your unacknowledged blind spots.

Self-awareness and self-assurance come from making time for self-exploration. We all have the capacity to be a leader in our own unique way. Thankfully there’s no profile of an ideal leader. What leaders must be willing to do, however, is devote themselves to increasing their self-awareness and self-assurance. People that are willing to look inside themselves, listen humbly to hard feedback, get ongoing support from trusted confidants, and be committed to continual growth, tend to be called great leaders.

How To Fix An Accountability Problem

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It’s frustrating when the people we work with don’t meet our expectations.
While it’s easy to blame others, people fail to perform as expected for three reasons:

  1. Communication.
    People are not clear about expectation(s). Make sure you have communicated clearly what you expect and how you will measure results. Be sure to include both operational and attitudinal expectations (how you expect people to act in alignment with your values).
  2. Capacity.
    People don’t have the competencies or adequate resources to ensure that expectations are met. Make sure you’ve made it safe to talk about it with your team and to work together to ensure that they have the capability and resources to meet your expectations.
  3. Commitment.
    People choose not to perform as expected. Be sure you have done everything you can to find out why the commitment is absent:

    • a. Is it a poor fit? Is there a better place in the organization for them or is there a better way to define their work?
    • b. Is there something going on their life that is temporarily distracting them and draining their energy? What support might they need? (Notice if their lack of commitment is out of character or if its been a long-term pattern).
    • c. Have you been clear enough and tough enough to follow through? Set your people up for success, and then ensure that you have the right people on the team.

LIVING AND LEADING WITH AUTHENTICITY: How We’ve Missed The Mark – And How We Can Correct It

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A lightening rod attracts power by its mere presence.
The same goes for great leaders with substance, depth, and strength of character.
Authenticity has come under considerable criticism of late – and rightly so. Leaders have exposed too much of themselves in the wrong way and have lost credibility in an effort to be “authentic.” People justify hurting people by claiming that their actions reflect their “authentic self.” Others are using authenticity as an excuse to reject any form of “impression management” and their self-centered behavior diminishes trustworthiness. The real failures are those who have learned how to fake being authentic.
The problem isn’t authenticity. The problem is that authenticity is misunderstood.
While the statement, “to thine own self be true,” can be inspirational, it’s important to understand which self you are referring to when you decide to be true to it. Are you talking about your impulsive, emotional self? Your self-centered self? Your accountable self? Your insecure self? Or your true – authentic self? And how do you know the difference? Where is your road map to discover the difference? Where are your tools?
American philosopher, William James, said “there lies within every being a place where, when connected to it, we feel deeply and intensely alive. At such moments there is a quiet voice inside that says, ‘This is the real me.’” This is the home of your authentic self. And while finding and describing this place is as difficult as it is to describe why something is beautiful, here are three clues to know you are on the path to living and leading authentically.
Authenticity means:
  1. A sincere devotion to personal growth and self-awareness. Sincere is derived from the Latin ‘sine’ (without) and ‘cera’ (wax) or without wax. According to one popular explanation, dishonest sculptors in ancient Rome and Greece would cover flaws in their work with wax to deceive the potential buyer; therefore, a sculpture “without wax” would mean honesty in its imperfection. Authenticity is indicated by a level of comfort with one’s self and one’s cracks. This comes from a life-long commitment to knowing yourself. To quote Leonard Cohen, “Forget your perfect offering. There’s a crack in everything. That’s how the light gets in.”
  2. A commitment to discern how you share your imperfection with the world. Authenticity isn’t about exposing yourself recklessly. Authenticity, by definition, requires a commitment to both honesty and respect. Indiscriminate spewing of your faults, weaknesses, and emotions is disrespectful to the people who depend on you. This is why a dedication to self-awareness is an indication of authenticity. Don’t turn your team into your therapist. Be 100% honest with your support system away from your work, so you can be comfortable with yourself when you get to work.
  3. Measure your life by how you make the world better. Anything short of an imperfect dedication to helping make a better world is not authentic. Caring about others and basic goodness is in our nature. Don’t mistake authenticity for a method of coping and surviving. For example, being a jerk is never authentic. No one is born a jerk. It’s not in our nature. Being a jerk is a coping response learned somewhere along the way. A sincere desire to serve a cause beyond self-interest is a necessary quality of authentic presence.

What are the stories that run your life?

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What are the stories that run your life?

After reading Dain Dunston’s thought-provoking book, Being Essential: Seven Questions for Living and Leading with Radical Self-Awareness, I was intrigued by the notion that our stories can unconsciously drive our lives. So we best be sure that we know what these narratives are and that they are true for the context we are currently living.

At four years old, I was incubated in an oxygen tent with a poliovirus infection. It created significant trauma, as I didn’t see my parents for weeks. In those days no visitors were allowed. I remember lying there alone crying myself to sleep, wondering if they would ever return.

After I went home, my arms and legs were very weak, so my father, a gymnast, coached me on the parallel bars and tumbling mat in our basement each day to help rebuild my strength.

And when I was bullied and teased at school, attributed, at least in part, to the residue of a weakened body, my dad would say, “Don’t pray for the world to get easier, pray for you to get stronger.”

The result of years of passionate dedication was a track scholarship at university. I credit my ability to overcome adversity through discipline and focused work to my father’s patient and persistent support and love. My commitment and the results that followed increased my confidence as I went on to build a successful speaking and consulting business.

However, in the process, I unconsciously created a story that my worth is dependent on what I can prove to the world I can overcome and achieve.

While the story served a vital purpose at the time, it eventually exceeded its function and led to unbridled ambition and eventual workaholism, tension, neglected relationships, a life out of balance, and burnout.

As I find my security from within, the narrative is now shifting from proving myself to expressing myself, from uncontrolled obsession to meaningful, focused contribution in my work.

The journey was enhanced by Dain’s insights. I recommend his book to those committed to living an authentic life with greater self-awareness.

 

Journalling – How To Get Going And Keep Going

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Journalling – How To Get Going And Keep Going

Connection to others is critical in good leadership and starts with connection to yourself. Journalling is a great tool for self-connection.

Here are some guidelines to get you going and keep you going:

  1. Buy a nice journal. I love a good leather-covered one I can feel proud to write in.
  2. Have a regular time to write – in the morning, at the end of the day, or, for example, every Sunday morning as you reflect on the past seven days and the week ahead. I like to spend five minutes journalling when I first come in the office, before I turn on my computer. It helps me connect to myself before the barrage of the world’s demands start hitting me.
  3. Experiment with structure. Sometimes journalling is a brain dump, a process I learned from Julia Cameron. Her journalling method is three pages of stream-of-consciousness writing. Other times I use a structure of a) How am I feeling? (Including wins in the past 24 hours, lessons learned, and glitches); b) How will I show up today? c) What am I grateful for?
  4. Write less than you think you “should.” Like exercise, it’s better to have small consistent successes than big failures. Two or three sentences is great while you’re getting into the habit.
  5. Don’t show it to anyone. You aren’t writing to impress anyone. It won’t be graded. It is only for you.
  6. Don’t sweat it if journalling doesn’t work for you. It isn’t for everyone. There are lots of other tools for connecting with yourself.