UNMASKING Navigating Blind Spots and Embracing Authenticity

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When Scott was growing up, his father wasn’t around to give him any kind of a model of what it meant to be an available dad. He learned to show his love to his young children the only way he knew how – by working hard and providing financially for his family. When his two boys were young, he was working ninety hours a week building his real estate company.

When his kids were preschoolers, he embarked on his own personal development journey, the journey to a better, more authentic relationship with himself. This path awakened his desire to be a better person and a better father. While he was available much more than his own father was, as his sons grew older, he still struggled, like many men, to bond and connect with his boys. By the time his oldest son turned fourteen, they were both absorbed in their respective busy lives – Scott at work and his son a high-level hockey player.

The pain of their lack of connection led Scott to unmask his facade and write his son a letter. He was becoming increasingly frustrated with the response “good,” or “okay,” whenever he asked his son how he was. And Scott had enough self-awareness to recognize his part of contributing to the wall between them. Writing was a tool that he had used in the past to communicate difficult stuff with people he cared about. It turned out to be a long letter, and within it he wrote, “…My biggest challenge… is connecting with you, [son]. This is entirely on me. I was very young when you were born and I was working really hard on growing my business because I was terrified that if I didn’t grow a great business, I couldn’t provide a good life for you, your brother, and your mom. I grew up in financial struggle and to me, nothing was more important than financial survival. I also didn’t have a role model of how to be a good dad because mine wasn’t around (that wasn’t his fault either) and so I really didn’t know how to bond and connect with you. Your mom was doing such a great job that I thought that base was covered, and I didn’t realize it was also my job. Then over time as you got older, it became harder for you and I to talk or to even give a hug or say hi. I realized the consequences of my ignorance as a young dad, and it hurts me deeply that I haven’t earned your trust to let me inside your mind and your heart. Now I’m working overtime trying to figure out how to earn that from you…”

After reading the letter, his son responded the best way he knew how – to come over to the couch and sit quietly beside his dad. He didn’t say a thing. He didn’t have to. But you knew that this moment was a new beginning.

Embracing authenticity by unmasking, and navigating blind spots can take many forms and can be expressed in a myriad of ways. Sometimes it means being courageous and vulnerable with the people around us, opening up to what’s truly in your heart. Sometimes it starts by simply acknowledging our masks. For others, it’s about aligning your actions with your values and beliefs. Authenticity can be expressed through empathy and genuine curiosity. It can mean seeking honest feedback or devoting yourself to studying and understanding yourself so you can become the best version of yourself. For some, authenticity is about having the courage to put down an addiction, asking for help, leaving a career with a secure income that is no longer satisfying or stepping into a life-long dream you’ve procrastinated starting.

Three keys to unmasking, navigating blind spots, and embracing self-awareness and authenticity:

  1. Acknowledge when a change is needed. The time for change can come to you in a variety of ways. It can come when you start feeling tired most of the time. It can come when you start realizing that your work is no longer bringing you joy. It can come when a relationship starts feeling “empty” and in need of new energy. Or when you aren’t getting the required engagement from your team. Authenticity means leaning into the discomfort, listening carefully to it, and courageously taking action to do something different.
  2. Find an ally, a trusted confidant. Navigating blind spots and embracing self-awareness requires some outside perspective and support. Finding an ally might mean starting with your existing circle of friends and thinking about one person you would like to start opening up with. It might mean reaching out to a coach or therapist. A confidant is someone you don’t just vent to, but someone who will support and hold you accountable to be true to yourself.
  3. Practice incremental honesty. While clarity, courage, and vulnerability can begin transforming family and team dynamics, old, familiar patterns are difficult to change. Patience and grace are required on the journey back to your true self. When it comes to personal and relationship changes, remember: slow progress is better than fast regression.

Why don’t people like change?

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How do you get to the root of resistance and help your teams embrace change?

Resistance to change is complex and influenced by many factors such as:

  • Lack of control
  • Fear of the unknown
  • Lack of awareness and communication
  • Attachment to old habits and routine

How to help your team embrace change:

  1. Communicate your why. When initiating change, give people a clear rationale and vision. You may not know how you’re going to get there, but people need to know where you’re going and why you’re asking them for change.
  2. Welcome resistance. Resistance simply means that you are alive. Even insects squirm when you poke them. Listen to the resistance. Resistance is a necessary part of change. Don’t take resistance personally. Welcome it.
  3. Turn resistance into honesty. When people feel safe to be honest, resistance turns into emotions like loss, fear, and uncertainty. People need to grieve before they rebuild. When people genuinely feel supported through resistance, you’ll build community, creativity, and a commitment to embrace new possibilities.

A Time For Letting Go

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My mother used to say that she spent the first half of her life accumulating things and the second half getting rid of them. The important things in life, she learned, aren’t things.

At this stage of my life, I get it. After months of reflection, Val and I have decided to simplify our life and downsize. We have decided to sell our beautiful acreage and move to a smaller home.

While I’m not yet ready to retire, we want less stress and responsibility and want to free up more energy to focus on what truly matters. Simplifying our life will allow me to be more intentional with my work, live with fewer distractions, and create greater financial flexibility. It’s a journey of shifting my mindset and priorities towards what truly brings us joy and meaning.

I’ll deeply miss the forest, the nature conservancy in our backyard where I walk the dogs every morning, and the creek our family and friends have played in for years. But with our kids now launched and busy building their lives, it’s time to step aside and give someone else the opportunity to build memories in this beautiful location we have enjoyed all these years.

This is a transition time for us: for letting go, grieving and celebrating.

As we go let, my hope is to make room for something new to emerge, to continue to be a guide to those I serve – with greater clarity, renewed energy, and focus. I look forward to sharing the journey with you in the coming weeks with the hope it will inspire you to live with peace and alignment to your values.

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Leading Beyond the Great Disruption

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Nelson Mandela had many teachers in his life, but the greatest of them all was prison. In the words of his biographer, Richard Stengel, “Prison taught him self-control, discipline, and focus, and it taught him how to be a full human being – the things he considered essential to leadership.” In other words, it was the solitude, degradation, devastation, and inhumanity of his time in confinement that made him into the leader we admire. It was his journey away from the world and into his soul that allowed him to lead in the world.
The pandemic turned our world upside down in a short span of time, and its impact is wider spread than we might acknowledge. Offices, communities, and families have been divided. People have been hurt. We’ve all experienced loss. Our mental health has been affected. The residue of the collective trauma we experienced lingers. The enormous health, economic, and humanitarian challenges of the past two-and-a-half years have led to a great disruption that challenges leaders to reinvent their organizations with an orientation toward renewed and sustainable growth, resilience, and purpose.
May Nelson Mandela’s courageous long walk to freedom be an inspiration to us all to make this great disruption our greatest teacher.
We can start this holiday season by pausing, getting our bearings, resetting our personal and collective compasses, and opening our hearts. It’s a time for healing, caring, and forgiving as we move forward together.
Here are three ways we can be part of creating a new world:
  1. Clarify a vision. Mandela’s dedication to the African people and the ideal of a free and democratic society where all people would live in harmony kept hope alive for the South African people. It also kept Mandela’s own hope alive during his years of unjust confinement. Hope is not a guarantee of a desired outcome, but a deep and sustaining confidence that our contribution will make a difference – regardless of the outcome. What is your personal vision that inspires hope?
  2. Open your hearts. Divisiveness, exclusion, and dissention have been a part of the places where we live and work the past two+ years. Vaccine mandates, corporate policies, religious views, and political opinions have divided families and workplaces like nothing I have experienced in my lifetime. Ask yourself who in your world needs to be listened to, heard, and truly understood. Where might apologies be needed? It’s not agreement but respect, understanding, and compassion that is required. It’s naïve to think that we can just return to work and personal relationships, and everything will be back to normal. Healing from the impact of the pandemic will take time, patience, and much caring from everyone.
  3. Let go of bitterness. “As I walked out the door toward the gate that would lead to my freedom,” said Nelson Mandela, “I knew that if I didn’t leave my bitterness and hatred behind, I’d still be in prison.” Forgiveness is not some bleeding-heart, Sunday school platitude. Forgiveness is having the courage to honestly face the emotions that come from being unjustly injured and then letting go of the right to be resentful. It takes maturity to be able to bear an injustice without wanting to get even. Forgiveness does not abdicate the importance of justice; rather it removes revenge from the justice process. Forgiveness transforms vengeance into freedom. In the words of Archbishop Desmond Tutu, “Without forgiveness, there is no future.”
To quote Lady Gaga: “The really fantastic thing about kindness is that it’s free. And it can’t hurt you or anybody else. It is the thing that brings us all together. In times of chaos and crisis we start pointing fingers at where we think the bad guys are, where the evil is. We all start arguing. Everybody has different opinions… The solution is that we need to build a stronger, braver world. We need to get rid of the labels, the different factions… none of this can matter anymore. We are unified in our humanity. And the only thing we all know, the one thing we all appreciate in one another, is kindness. This must come before all things. And you must operate relentlessly this way. With everything you have.”

SHAPING THE NEXT CHAPTER OF YOUR LIFE – AUTHENTICALLY

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The pandemic has created an opportunity to shine a light on the quality and depth of your life, your leadership, and your relationships. The past several months have been a time of reflection and evaluation to ask questions such as:

  • Where is my career going?
  • Do I really want to spend the rest of my days working seventy hours a week?
  • How can I be a better leader by focusing on what truly matters?

One client talked about how, for the past twenty-five years, she was in the “rhythm of a corporate tune, continually reacting to the demands of others.” She said, “Now is the time to find my own new rhythm.”

I offer some strategies for moving into the next chapter of your life as you settle into the new reality which will likely be with us long-term:

  1. Decide to see this as an opportunity. Choices have great power to determine the outcome of your life.
  2. Make room to step back, pull out a journal, and answer some questions:
  • What’s been working well in your life?
  • What areas are not flowing/working well?
  • Where might you be over-accommodating, compromising yourself, and burning out?
  • What parts of your life have you felt most excited/passionate about?
  • What do you feel called to do?
  • What might need to shift/change/end?
  1. Reach for your why – your reason for being – an inspiring purpose for getting out of bed in the morning.
  2. Reflect on your most important values.
  3. Consider your unique abilities, talents, and gifts that set you apart from the crowd.
  4. Plan on how you will contribute and serve the world over the next five to ten years.
  5. Include your loved ones in your plans and intentions.

Authentically shaping the next chapter of your life, whether you stay in your current role, decide to renew it, make a transition to a new role or even a new career, or are considering what retirement might look like, requires careful and conscious attention. From time to time, we all drift away from our true nature. When we realign with our authentic self, we amplify our positive impact as a leader and create meaning and purpose in our life.

If you want to learn ways to shape the next chapter of your life in alignment with your authentic self, please join me for a complimentary one-hour webinar on September 23. This – and more – will be included in the webinar and in my upcoming virtual Life In Transitions course.

The webinar is offered at 9 am MT and 5 pm MT. Register now to make sure you get a seat!

HOW TO EMBRACE CHANGE AUTHENTICALLY

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Authentic leadership is both active and reflective. One has to alternate between participating and observing. I am in the midst of navigating my own way through that journey and feel compelled to share my experiences and perspective with you.

This pandemic is an enormous experiment in shared authenticity. Fear and grief can bring out our worst selves, but, when experienced authentically, they can transform us into our most conscious, caring, courageous selves. We’ve all heard that when one door closes another one opens. What they don’t tell you is that it’s hell in the corridor. Below is a road map for getting through the corridor of the transition we’re all experiencing in our own unique way at this time.
Stage 1. Attachment to the familiar – We’ve all been there. In the context of the current pandemic is the expectation that we are supposed to live in a world free of life-threatening disease.
Stage 2. Foreign Element – The introduction of Covid-19.
Stage 3. Chaos – Grief, loss, denial, confusion, anger, fear, insecurity, betrayal, vulnerability – all part of the process of being thrown into the unknown. Some indicators of chaos are immobilization, irritability, impatience, excessive busyness, feeling overwhelmed, hoarding toilet paper, and a desire to go back to the “good old days” even if the old familiar was not sustainable.
Stage 4. Reflection – We step back and reflect on what this all means, what can we learn, and how can we contribute – out of love, not fear.
Stage 5. Decision – It’s not your abilities that will determine your outcome or show you who you are. It is your choices. Decisions determine your direction.
Stage 6. Rebuilding – You begin creating a new life in the new reality.
Stage 7. Trust – As you work through the process you develop new resources and new capabilities. Self-trust emerges, along with your capacity to trust in the world around you.
Stage 8. New Possibilities – You begin to realize new possibilities for yourself and the world you live in.
Key Principles For Getting Through the Process
1. We are all unique. There is no formula for how long it takes to get through these stages. It is different for everyone. It can take days, months and even years. Some never make it. They get stuck in the chaos. It’s also not a linear process. Like grief and recovery from trauma, it’s messy. We go back and forth. When it comes to getting through the corridor of change, direction is more important than velocity.
2. The four cornerstones of chaos recovery are:
a.Congruence – See, hear, and experience yourself as you are right now, not as you “should” be or are “supposed” to be. What’s important in chaos is to honor whatever experience you are going through. Be present to it. Resist the natural human tendency to want to escape the discomfort of chaos – with busyness, excessive news watching, obsessive internet surfing, and shopping for toilet paper. As we say in trauma work, you have to look the dragon in the eye. Avoiding chaos will, paradoxically, keep you in it.
b.Community – In chaos, it’s also critical to reach out for support and share what’s going on. Sunlight is the best disinfectant. Literally and figuratively. Make room for the people in your life you care about and who care about you, even if you need technology to make that happen. Accept that whatever you are experiencing is understandable and acceptable. There’s no “right” or “wrong” way to feel. It’s what we do with our experience that will either help or hinder getting through the chaos.
c.Creativity – Even with social distancing, we see people reaching out to each other and coming up with all kinds of creative expressions of the human spirit. This is true in our workplaces and in our lives. Everyone I know is doing extraordinary things – in their own, human, imperfect, caring way. It is incredibly inspiring to be a part of the expression of what it means to be human.
d.Centering – There was a time when farmers of the Great Plains would run a rope from their back door to the barn at the first sign of a blizzard. They all knew stories of people who had wandered off and froze to death, having lost sight of their home in a whiteout while still in their own backyards. We all need a rope to bring us home to our true nature right now. While we embrace change, we also need to know that simultaneously something in our lives remains stable and is preserved. For some, the rope we hang on to is our faith. For others it is keeping structure and routine our life. For some it is being in nature. Where do you find your centre, your place of refuge from the storm?
3. With all change comes sacrifice. There will be loss. There will pain. There will be inconvenience. We all need to be willing to let go of something or someone in our lives. We’d all like this to be different, but unfortunately this isn’t how the universe works. Let’s do what we can to minimize the sacrifice and be sure we get the lesson.
4. Get reliable information. Fear enables people to be manipulated and controlled. Experience fear. Share your fear. But don’t live afraid. This is the dark side of the transition we’re in. No question we need information during chaos; we just have to be sure we are getting it from a trusted source. Don’t believe everything you read in the news, and don’t buy everything you hear. Don’t build a false economy based on fear.
5. Take time for reflection. It’s an old and ironic human habit to run faster when we’ve lost our way. This is a time for all of us to stop and get our bearings. Once you are through the initial shock, intense fear, and grief of the chaos, make time to take stock – of your values, your life purpose, and a vision for yourself. When you honor the chaos in your life and find a community of support around you, you’ll find that renewed wisdom and clarity will emerge.
6. Decisions will determine your destiny. It’s not your abilities or your circumstances that will determine your future; It is your choices that show who you really are and will set the course for your destiny through this. Here are some decisions to consider: Rather than complain about the wind or hope it will change, decide to set your own sails. Decide to be grateful today and look for reasons to choose gratitude. Decide to be a “we” person rather than a “me” person. If you look around it won’t take you long to find something you can do to make the world better today.
7. This is ultimately a time for us all to reinvent ourselves and the way we’ve been living. It’s a time to reshape and renew the world as we have known it. The world is in need of rebalancing. The virus is showing us that we need to create a new way of living. I’m very curious to see what we can create – both personally and collectively, and I’m passionate about doing my part to make it a better place to work and live. The world as we have known it is no longer sustainable. Let’s embrace a new possibility for ourselves and the planet.
8. As we rebuild, we begin to see that this is not an end but a new beginning. Through careful reflection and renewed conscious action we can learn from our mistakes and heed the lessons from this crisis. We can begin to get a glimpse of Bill Gate’s vision, that rather than a great disaster, we can view this as a “great corrector.”
I trust this road map will be useful to you. If you would like a longer version of this process, go to my website for a free Whitepaper on Embracing Change. You’ll also find a variety of other resources:  www.irvinestone.com/free-whitepapers/
More resources from Irvine & Associates
If you and your team would like a complimentary virtual presentation on Embracing Change using the roadmap outlined above, contact our office and we’ll set up a call to design a free session for you:  www.irvinestone.com/contact/
Beginning March 27, my colleague, Ally Stone (www.irvinestone.com/faculty) and I will be creating a weekly podcast – an open-hearted, honest, authentic conversation about what’s happening in our world and how it is impacting our lives and the lives of those we love, how we ourselves are walking through this transition, and ways to better reach the world by being connected to our authentic self. We are going to offer some insights and tools from our own experience and the experience of others to help navigate this journey. Let’s learn together how to lead ourselves and others through not just today’s crisis, but the disruption we will inevitably face in the future.
The podcast series will be part of my regular podcasts: David Irvine – Conversations with Authentic Leaders 
For some of my own perspective on how I’m personally facing the current reality, watch: https://youtu.be/Fgq4TkVS22c
I’m also offering a customized, complimentary virtual program for you or your team or those you serve. To find out more go to: www.irvinestone.com
If you are seeking personal coaching, for a limited time I am offering a complimentary assessment call. If this interests you, contact us at: www.irvinestone.com/contact
Stay tuned for a complimentary e-book that will offer you simple insights and tools for staying connected to your authentic leadership in this time of unprecedented disruption. You will find it on my website very soon: www.irvinestone.com/free-whitepapers
Finally, please be safe. Err on the side of caution. Stay home. Use this opportunity to step back, awaken to your purpose and discover your gifts. And whenever and however you get a chance, express gratitude to our health care professionals and front line workers who are putting their lives on the line every day for us. This virus is humbling us all and reminding us that we all share this human journey – s e p a r a t e l y. I would welcome an opportunity to be a resource for you whenever and however I can.