LIVING AND LEADING WITH AUTHENTICITY: How We’ve Missed The Mark – And How We Can Correct It

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A lightening rod attracts power by its mere presence.
The same goes for great leaders with substance, depth, and strength of character.
Authenticity has come under considerable criticism of late – and rightly so. Leaders have exposed too much of themselves in the wrong way and have lost credibility in an effort to be “authentic.” People justify hurting people by claiming that their actions reflect their “authentic self.” Others are using authenticity as an excuse to reject any form of “impression management” and their self-centered behavior diminishes trustworthiness. The real failures are those who have learned how to fake being authentic.
The problem isn’t authenticity. The problem is that authenticity is misunderstood.
While the statement, “to thine own self be true,” can be inspirational, it’s important to understand which self you are referring to when you decide to be true to it. Are you talking about your impulsive, emotional self? Your self-centered self? Your accountable self? Your insecure self? Or your true – authentic self? And how do you know the difference? Where is your road map to discover the difference? Where are your tools?
American philosopher, William James, said “there lies within every being a place where, when connected to it, we feel deeply and intensely alive. At such moments there is a quiet voice inside that says, ‘This is the real me.’” This is the home of your authentic self. And while finding and describing this place is as difficult as it is to describe why something is beautiful, here are three clues to know you are on the path to living and leading authentically.
Authenticity means:
  1. A sincere devotion to personal growth and self-awareness. Sincere is derived from the Latin ‘sine’ (without) and ‘cera’ (wax) or without wax. According to one popular explanation, dishonest sculptors in ancient Rome and Greece would cover flaws in their work with wax to deceive the potential buyer; therefore, a sculpture “without wax” would mean honesty in its imperfection. Authenticity is indicated by a level of comfort with one’s self and one’s cracks. This comes from a life-long commitment to knowing yourself. To quote Leonard Cohen, “Forget your perfect offering. There’s a crack in everything. That’s how the light gets in.”
  2. A commitment to discern how you share your imperfection with the world. Authenticity isn’t about exposing yourself recklessly. Authenticity, by definition, requires a commitment to both honesty and respect. Indiscriminate spewing of your faults, weaknesses, and emotions is disrespectful to the people who depend on you. This is why a dedication to self-awareness is an indication of authenticity. Don’t turn your team into your therapist. Be 100% honest with your support system away from your work, so you can be comfortable with yourself when you get to work.
  3. Measure your life by how you make the world better. Anything short of an imperfect dedication to helping make a better world is not authentic. Caring about others and basic goodness is in our nature. Don’t mistake authenticity for a method of coping and surviving. For example, being a jerk is never authentic. No one is born a jerk. It’s not in our nature. Being a jerk is a coping response learned somewhere along the way. A sincere desire to serve a cause beyond self-interest is a necessary quality of authentic presence.

Quitting. How to know when it’s time.

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Derek Wills, the radio voice for the Calgary Flames was recently asked if he has given up on the Flames this year. At the time of the interview, the team was six points out of a playoff spot with less than ten games remaining. His response was, “Fellas, I have a bad habit of not quitting. I’m going to continue to believe in this team until they’re mathematically eliminated from the playoffs… ”

This has been a frustrating year for Calgary Flames fans. But there was something inspirational in Wills’ response. It’s inspiring to be around people who don’t quit, who believe in a cause despite all odds, who persevere right till the end.

And sometimes quitting is the hardest and most courageous thing you can do.  So how to know?
Sometimes you don’t. You just have to persevere until you do know.

It can hard to know when to exit any relationship – with an organization, a marriage, a business partnership or even a goal you are persuing. Here’s three conditions to assess if it is the right time to say good-bye:

  1. There is nothing more for you to give the relationship. You have given everything you’ve got. Don’t leave because it’s hard. Leave because you are finished.
  2. There is nothing more for you to learn in the relationship. You have learned everything you’re meant to learn. If you leave before you get the lesson, expect facing it again.
  3. Your values are not respected. You’ve brought your whole self to this relationship and who you are is blatantly dishonored, diminished, and disrespected.

How Do You Lead When Your Boss Can’t

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We’ve all had them or met them: dismissive, insensitive, controlling, absent, volatile, or mean bosses who lack vision, compassion, or purpose.

People who suck the energy out of the room.

Here’s a few suggestions for dealing with difficult people:

  1. Embrace the situation. When you’re invested with people, you are going to be frustrated from time to time. It’s okay not to feel okay. Be sure you have a trusted support system in your life so you are aren’t going through this alone.
  2. See the opportunity. Every person has something to teach us, so before you do anything, ask why this person is in your life at this time.
  3. Be careful of labels. Maybe they aren’t a bad boss. Maybe they simply don’t meet your expectations. There’s a huge difference between violating the values of an organization and just being unpleasant.
  4. Be compassionate. We’re all doing the best we can with what we’ve got. Empathy gets you further than criticism.
  5. Be courageous. If they are violating the values of your organization, it must be directly addressed – courageously and compassionately.
  6. Create your own vision. Rather than waiting for others to change (never a good leadership strategy), establish your own reason for coming to work that inspires you and serves the greater good.
  7. Give what you expect. Life is a mirror. What you give is reflected back to you. Instead of complaining you aren’t appreciated or valued, get so busy appreciating and valuing those around you that you don’t have time to complain.
  8. Know where the exit is. The first thing a flight attendant tells you is where the exits are. You don’t focus on them, but knowing your values means that exiting is always an option as a last resort. Remember also that your boss is not the only person who is your source of validation.

Psychological Safety – What Horses Have To Teach Us

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This past weekend I had the good fortune of attending Wayfinder Wellnesses’ Equine Wellness Workshop https://lnkd.in/gcNNTN_r

It’s based on the principle that horses are good for the human spirit. It was a program open to First Responders, Military, Veterans, and their Spouses who have been psychologically injured in their work.

We learned, through an incredibly safe and supportive environment, how to connect with and make friends with ourselves by learning to make friends with these incredibly sensitive and wise animals.

In just a few hours, I got a taste of the deeply healing power of establishing a trusting relationship with horses by learning to partner with them.

Here’s some of what I came away with:

  • Communication starts with knowing and accepting where you’re at.
  • Be in the moment.
  • Make a friend.
  • Learn to listen.
  • Find your balance.
  • Discover inner peace.
  • Build your confidence.
  • Be part of a herd.
  • Feel safety and security.

If you would like to learn more about my approach to psychological safety, I hope you’ll join me on Thursday for this week’s monthly complimentary webinar: https://lnkd.in/d37Prt4a

A Path To Better Leadership

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I recently was sitting with a friend while he was conversing with his sister who is single and worried that she won’t find a life-partner. She wanted advice from her brother. As I know them both well, she didn’t mind my listening in. ‘’How can I find a good husband?” she asked.

My friend’s response was, “Try being the kind of person that the kind of person you want, would want to be with.”

Here’s my take on my friend’s suggestion: If I ask, “How do I find the right partner?” before I ask “How do I become a loving person?” the result is likely to be a disaster because I first need to focus my attention on becoming a loving human being. First cultivate a life filled with compassion, and passion will be added to it. Search only for a great passion, and you will likely end up void of love.

Interestingly, this isn’t just a lesson about love; it’s a lesson for life. It’s about accountability. And it’s about leadership. When we ask, “How can we get better leaders – in our organization and in our country?” maybe we’re starting with the wrong question. Instead of seeking better leaders, maybe it’s more helpful to look in the mirror. “How can I be a better leader?” “How can I get better at what I expect from others?”

My notion is that rather than expecting others to be different, the path to better leadership is to be a better leader. We institutionally deny the fact that each of us – through our perceptions and our choices – is creating the culture that we so enjoy complaining about. Deciding that I have created the world around me – and therefore I am the one to step into healing it – is the ultimate act of accountability. Let’s stop complaining and start stepping up.

It is my privilege to serve on the Board of the Wayfinders Wellness Organization.

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This is a registered non-profit organization, whose goal is to build a safe space for military and first responders who have suffered PTSD. This community includes First Responders, Military, Veterans, and their families. We are peers helping each other navigate mental wellness.

Wayfinders connects people to the resources that will work best for their individual needs. We are all passionate about breaking down the stigma of talking about mental health and strive to build a strong community full of support.

Becoming mentally resilient and processing trauma in a healthy way are the keys to avoiding mental health injury. The Wayfinder model is intended to raise awareness and talk about mental health so we can help people find healing. With many paths to wellness, our goal is to bring together a variety of service providers in one place to make healing accessible. Through our combined experiences, we know what has worked and want to share how to access resources because we know that living with an occupational stress injury is difficult.

The Wayfinders ranch house is available for emergency responders, military and their families. They can book the space for small groups to come together and process their trauma with their peers in a safe environment, away from the public and work. This separation from the daily environment allows processing of trauma in a healthy way.

Our ranch house is nestled in the foothills of the Rocky Mountains, along the banks of the Jumping Pound Creek at the historic Wineglass Ranch in Cochrane Alberta in Western Canada. With access to nature, music workshops, healing horses, and a community of positivity and wellness, there are many resources on site and others that can be arranged.

I encourage you to join our Wayfinder community and become a sponsor, a partner, a service provider or a member in need.

Connect with us. To learn about our work and upcoming programs, go to: https://lnkd.in/gcNNTN_r or follow our social media https://lnkd.in/g–MYebd

Be resilient! Be well!