You can change people.

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We’ve all heard the adage: “You can’t change other people. You can only change yourself.” While I get that it’s wasted energy to try to change others by pushing them or cajoling them, or attempting to control them, it doesn’t mean that you can’t change people.

If you sincerely care about a person and you give them consistent positive feedback, provide encouragement, listen and show genuine interest in what they are interested in, honestly value their input, find value in their work and contribution, and show up in their lives, I’ll promise that over time, they will change. Maybe not right away. But they will change. They will grow. They will become better people because of your influence.

And… if you spend time criticizing, disrespecting, discouraging, diminishing, and focusing on all the things that you don’t like about someone, the fault-finding and belittling will also change them. It’s hard to be around bitter, critical, negative people without taking some of that on.

Now that I reflect this, a question arises: Are we are actually “changing” another, or simply bringing the best out of them? In this light, I’m not sure we can even change ourselves. Perhaps, at best, all we can do is create the right conditions for our true, finest nature to be expressed.

And for simplicity sake, let’s assume we can change people. Maybe not without their consent, but don’t overlook the impact one person can have on another.

It’s Hard To Care About Others When You’re Stressed

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Last week, I was presenting to a wonderful group of leaders. I arrived two hours early to ensure the technology would work. It turned out that the AV equipment provided at the venue wasn’t compatible with my computer. A stressful moment to say the least.

A recent study has determined that empathy originates in the anterior insular cortex, which is a different part of the brain that is activated when you’re stressed. I’m no neuroscientist, but my experience of being stressed about the AV equipment and its implications for my presentation made it difficult to be empathic with the guy from the venue who was trying to help me, was defensive, and knew nothing about technology.

His lack of people skills and my lack of empathy created a scenario that did not end well. My impatience led to a less than respectful exchange.

The irony of the situation was that I was presenting on Caring In The Workplace!

Upon reflection, here’s what I learned:

  1. When agitated, pause. Step back, go for a walk, call a friend, do whatever you need to do to get to a calm state. Agitation, irritability, and impatience never help a situation.
  2. Decide, when going into any stressful situation, that blame is a waste of time. Working on solutions rather than being angry about the problems is far more effective.
  3. Ensure you are clear about expectations and have a backup strategy. “This is what I need to make this project a success.” And, when life happens and everything falls apart, calmness and confidence arise from having a plan B.
  4. Accept your humanness and when you are wrong, and promptly admit it. I called the venue yesterday and apologized to the guy who was trying to be helpful that morning.

Be the leader you’ve been searching for. Why not you? Why not now?

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It’s easy to complain about a lack of leadership – in our workplace, the community where we live, or our country. It’s easier to sit in the stands and criticize than to be a player on the ice.

Complaining is a way to keep ourselves safe so we don’t have to do the work required to change. It’s a defense against having the courage to change ourselves. That’s why the ratio of complainers to players is about 1000:1.

We institutionally deny the fact that we are actually creating the culture and the leadership we are complaining about. Deciding that you are co-creating what you are criticizing and therefore you can step into changing it, is the ultimate act of accountability.

Rather than complaining, clearly define the kind of leader you have been searching for. Make a list of the qualities you would like to see in a leader. Describe the virtues of the leader you want – in your life, at work, in your community, or in your country.

Now go to work and be that kind of leader – in your life, in your work, in your community, and in your country.

Let bad leadership inspire you, not discourage you.

Why not you? Why not now?

Leadership is not always easy, but it’s worth it.

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Here are a few ways that indicate you are doing a good job as a leader – even when it feels like you may not be.

  1. Connection. People initiate a connection with you. They come into your office. They reach out to you. They seek your advice. Initiating connection is an indication of trust.
  2. Results. The results are there. You are achieving your goals. You are achieving the goals of the organization. And you’re doing it as a team.
  3. Empowerment. People around you feel good about their own success and the success of the team. They express pride in working together to achieve something difficult. Credit goes to the team, not you.
  4. Self-Honesty. Just questioning whether you are a good leader indicates humility and an effort to be honest with yourself – qualities of a great leader. I don’t trust anyone who doesn’t admit to a healthy dose of self-doubt every once and awhile.
  5. Enjoyment. This is, for me, the most important measurement. I suppose there are a few incompetent leaders who enjoy themselves, but most are stressed and anxious. When you’re enjoying yourself (at least most days), and the people around you are relaxed and having a great time doing hard stuff, you are doing something right as a leader.

You may have your own list. I’d love to hear what is on it.

We all have blind spots

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Despite our sincere efforts to be a good leader, we all have blind spots – behaviors that are harmful to our leadership and we are unaware of. And because we don’t see them, we just keep managing the demands in front of us, with our blind spots leaving a destructive wake. Just as there is always a gap between what we espouse in our culture and the reality of our culture, there is always a gap between the self we think we present and the way others see us.

Unacknowledged blind spots will limit your impact and diminish your overall leadership capacity.

Five strategies for working with your blind spots:

  1. Make working with your blind spots a priority. Accept that you have them – we all do – and be committed to uncovering them. It’s not the blind spots per se, that are destructive. It’s our unwillingness to see them and work with them.
  2. Be curious. Carve out time for self-reflection. If we’re honest with ourselves, we have a sense of what our blind spots are. For me, one is when results aren’t immediate, and I’m stressed from not having the control of the outcomes. And when I’m stressed, I’m tense, and I question the impact I am having on my team. Other blind spot possibilities to consider include insensitivity to your people in a drive for results, over-valuing being right, a lack of strategic thinking, inflexibility, etc.
  3. Get regular feedback from people who know you and will tell you the truth. Feedback can come from a trusted confidant, a coach, or a support group. It can also come from your team – even if you start by making it anonymous.
  4. Acknowledge your blind spots and ask your team to elaborate. In my case, Marg, my VP of Client Care, elaborated on my blind spot when she explained that when results are down I have a tendency to disconnect from my vision, get stubborn and rigid, and resort to black-and-white thinking. This diminishes and disrespects the efforts of the team, while dis-inspiring people. Tension is contagious, and the team withdraws.
  5. Thank your team for their courage, recommit to make a change, and ask for their support. I find it useful, at this point, to craft an accountability agreement for how we will help each other grow.

Working with your blind spots is less about a destination and more about a method of travel.

Openly embracing your blind spots on a regular, ongoing basis restores your commitment to grow, keeps your vision fresh, and is a way for your team to continue to build courage, trust, and openness with each other.

Leadership – Connecting Is At The Core

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Life depends on connections, and the quality of your life depends on the quality of your connections. Every system depends on connections. Circulatory systems, nervous systems, organizational systems, ecosystems, family systems. You name it – it’s about connection. If you can’t make a connection, not much else matters.

All the people in my life that I call a leader created a place where I belonged. And connection was at the core.

My grade 1 teacher, Mrs. Betker, cared about me. I was an anxious, shy kid, and in her class I felt safe. My grade 7 teacher, Miss Arnold, took time after class to help me write better. And my high school football coach, Mr. Gustafson, inspired me with a vision for my contribution on the team and a belief in myself. He took the time to know me and know what I could contribute best.

Compassion, humanity, grace, forgiveness, togetherness – unfortunately, these are not words that describe our world. We’re divided by hate and fear rather than united by love and empathy.

But not on Ted Lasso. The show provides a respite from all of that. More importantly, it reminds us what we could do if only we all tried to follow Coach Lasso’s lead. In the series, we see Ted’s capacity to create commitment through caring. His infectious positivity inevitably brings out the good in those around him, even those reluctant to embrace him. By doing so they all create a better, more loving, more welcoming place.

With all the important talk about diversity, equity, inclusion and treating people fairly, if employees still don’t truly feel that you care and they belong, organizational efforts are missing the mark.