Tag Archive for: leadership

We all have bad days – even weeks. How do you know when it’s a you vs. them problem?

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It’s never a you vs. them problem. It’s always a you and them problem. In every relationship challenge there are always two sides. When facing a relationship problem, the accountability approach asks: “How am I contributing to the problem I am complaining about?” This question implies a commitment to look at your side of the issue.

While the other person is also contributing to the problem, all you can control is your side of the street. It’s not necessarily 50/50, but there is always something you can learn and do differently. This replaces blame with personal responsibility and understanding.

RECHARGING LEADERS: Redefining Empathy and Resilience in the Workplace

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In a recent coaching session, a leader, who is very caring and in touch with his people, told me of a recent exchange he had with one of his team members where he outlined his expectations for the role he was in. The expectations didn’t seem excessive to me, but the employee responded with a letter to HR that his manager was “creating an unsafe work environment and putting unnecessary stress” on him. He expressed that this was a trauma he was experiencing at work that necessitated a stress leave.

I know there are always two sides to a story. I also know that many conscious, caring leaders grapple with how to build “high performing” cultures while navigating between holding people accountable for performance and avoiding being overly harsh or creating unnecessary stress on those they lead and serve.

There has been an important shift in recent years that emphasizes employees as whole people rather than “units of productivity.” This shift necessitates an attention to empathy, acknowledging the internal states and personal challenges of those around us.

But has all this sensitivity to people helped us to be mentally stronger? Is it empowering us and making us more resilient than previous generations? As critical as empathy and caring are, has it all gone too far? Are leaders working too hard to keep employees inspired and motivated? I believe it’s worth some consideration. It’s time to recharge leaders by redefining empathy and resilience in the workplace.

Some perspectives for leaders to consider:

  1. Take care of yourself. This has nothing to do with self-centeredness. It has to do with ensuring that your leadership comes from overflow not from emptiness. You can’t give what you don’t have. To inspire others, you must be inspired. Many of us give more attention to recharging our phones than recharging ourselves. Yet it still holds true that we need to look after ourselves so we can be there for others. Take care of yourself – whatever that means to you.
  2. Redefine empathy. Empathy has emerged as a critical component of effective leadership, reshaping how organizations approach workplace dynamics and employee well-being. But empathy isn’t about coddling people, making it easy, rescuing people from their unhappiness, or lowering your standards and expectations. Empathy fatigue often comes from working harder than the person we have empathy for. In the recovery and addictions field this is called enabling. Empathy, instead, is about supporting people, feeling with them, helping them find and develop the resources they require to do their job, and then being in their corner through the tough challenges that come with that responsibility. If empathy isn’t empowering people, it’s not empathy.
  3. Hire strong people. Work is hard. That’s why we call it work. Don’t use psychological safety as a weapon to hobble your manager. Managers have an accountability to hold themselves and their team to high standards that will require strength. Nobody takes pride in doing things that are easy. Let people know what is expected of them before you hire them and when they come on board. And make sure they’re up to the challenge. Hire people who are strong givers and are willing to do their part to co-create an inspiring, caring culture that will produce the right results.
  4. Make results your highest priority. Organizations are not in the business of taking care of people. Organizations are in the business of getting results. Of course, you won’t get results – and certainly not long term – if you don’t take care of people. We also won’t get the needed results if we burn our leaders out. Making results matter isn’t just good for organizations. It’s good for the mental health of the people who work in those organizations. It’s good for us all to be contributing to the world by producing meaningful results. It’s good for human beings to set our “problems” aside, lean into the grind, and push through to the other side. Getting stronger is what builds resiliency, not getting let off the hook. Just be sure that the results you are working on together are both challenging and meaningful and remember the purpose of business: it’s a tool to create what matters in life.

As leaders, is there value in sharing our mistakes, or is it okay to keep some things private?

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Sharing mistakes can foster a culture of learning, trust, and psychological safety within an organization. When leaders openly discuss their errors, it encourages team members to take risks, be innovative, and learn from failures without fear of punishment. Sharing mistakes demonstrates confidence, promotes humility, fosters collaboration, and improves performance through better problem-solving and faster resolution of issues. Sharing mistakes is critical to create a climate of collaboration and discovery.

It’s not appropriate to share mistakes in order to get unnecessary sympathy or to share confidential information. Sharing mistakes has to serve the team. It won’t make your team stronger by confessing you made a bad personal financial investment or you treated your spouse poorly before you came to work.

How do you discern between what needs sharing in the workplace and what is better kept private?

How much time do you spend talking vs. listening? Take a listen/talk ratio audit.

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Communication involves talking and listening and is foundational to leadership. Ideally, An ideal ratio is 2:1 where you listen at least twice as much as talk. That’s why we have two ears and only one mouth.

I talk excessively when:

  • I feel compelled to showcase my expertise and knowledge.
  • I’m anxious and feel a lack of control in a situation.
  • I’m insecure. Talking is a coping strategy for me.

Others may talk too much to over-compensate for poor listening skills, or when they feel pressured to provide guidance, when extroversion is a personality trait, or when they feel compelled to jockey for power in a competitive working environment.

Consequences of over-talking include:

  • Being perceived as arrogant and thus a loss of respect.
  • People not feeling understood.
  • Missing important insights and understanding.

When you listen more than you talk you receive more information, build trust, make meaningful connections, and increase your impact when you speak.

We are better off when we increase our self-awareness about how much we talk vs. listen, develop better listening skills, practice more concise communication, and foster a more collaborative environment that encourages input from all team members.

Boundaries vs. Comfort Zones

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We need to respect boundaries and stretch comfort zones… how to tell the difference.

Boundaries and comfort zones are crucial for personal growth and well-being. They are intended to protect you, but in different ways. Boundaries protect in a way that enables you to grow while comfort zones protect you in ways that disable growth.

Boundaries include: refusing to tolerate disrespectful or abusive behavior, setting limits on work hours, or declining to discuss certain topics with certain people.

Comfort zones allow you to hide behind the familiar when you don’t have the courage or ability to set boundaries. Tolerating disrespectful or abusive behavior, people pleasing, staying in a comfortable, secure job instead of following your heart, or not saying no can become so familiar that you won’t risk stepping out of your comfort zone. Yet taking the risk to do what’s uncomfortable is where growth lies.

How to respect boundaries while stretching your comfort zone:

  1. Identify personal limits and non-negotiable boundaries.
  2. Set clear goals for personal growth that inspire you to step out of your comfort zone.
  3. Take calculated risks that challenge you while sustaining clear boundaries.
  4. Reflect on experiences that distinguish between the helpful discomfort of boundaries and the harmful comfort of hiding in your comfort zone.

Remember, growth occurs when you voluntarily step out of your comfort zone while maintaining firm boundaries along the way.

The holidays are meant to be a time to relax, s-l-o-w d-o-w-n and reconnect with our internal rhythm.

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There’s no “right” way to get through the holidays. The authentic way is to attend to what’s in your heart and design, as best as you can, a holiday that is right for you and your loved ones.

This week, my wife’s dear aunt passed away peacefully at the age of 98, after a good and meaningful life. Also this week, a close friend was diagnosed with a brain tumor and spent his sixty third birthday in surgery. And another friend shared his story with me this week of losing his son to suicide. Sometimes Christmas is not the happiest time of the year.

This year’s holiday I will keep up my mental and physical health routines, spend time outdoors, connect with the most important people in my life, and make room for a gamut of emotions, including grief, gratitude, and joy. Above all, I will strive to keep it simple.

What’s in your heart in this holiday season?