It’s Hard To Care About Others When You’re Stressed

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Last week, I was presenting to a wonderful group of leaders. I arrived two hours early to ensure the technology would work. It turned out that the AV equipment provided at the venue wasn’t compatible with my computer. A stressful moment to say the least.

A recent study has determined that empathy originates in the anterior insular cortex, which is a different part of the brain that is activated when you’re stressed. I’m no neuroscientist, but my experience of being stressed about the AV equipment and its implications for my presentation made it difficult to be empathic with the guy from the venue who was trying to help me, was defensive, and knew nothing about technology.

His lack of people skills and my lack of empathy created a scenario that did not end well. My impatience led to a less than respectful exchange.

The irony of the situation was that I was presenting on Caring In The Workplace!

Upon reflection, here’s what I learned:

  1. When agitated, pause. Step back, go for a walk, call a friend, do whatever you need to do to get to a calm state. Agitation, irritability, and impatience never help a situation.
  2. Decide, when going into any stressful situation, that blame is a waste of time. Working on solutions rather than being angry about the problems is far more effective.
  3. Ensure you are clear about expectations and have a backup strategy. “This is what I need to make this project a success.” And, when life happens and everything falls apart, calmness and confidence arise from having a plan B.
  4. Accept your humanness and when you are wrong, and promptly admit it. I called the venue yesterday and apologized to the guy who was trying to be helpful that morning.

October 10 is World Mental Health Day

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While many people have a physical fitness program, my friend, Jay Lamont, Partner at L2 Health Management, reminds us of the importance of having a mental fitness program. At some point in our lives, we will face a crisis, a loss, or a tragedy. What are we doing to prepare ourselves? How do we get “mentally fit” so we can face reality with greater courage and compassion?

Here are the five pillars of my own mental fitness program. I’ve developed these over many years of having to face depression and anxiety. I’ve learned that self-care isn’t always comfortable, and self-sacrifice is different that self-development. In order to be there for others, our first responsibility is to be there for ourselves.

  1. Daily Quiet Time – A time each morning for meditation and prayer to connect with my inner voice and strengthen me spiritually, so I can do my best to remain mindful, present, and centred throughout the day.
  2. Community – Confidants with whom I can share what’s going on inside me in order to sustain self-awareness, support, and accountability to live in alignment with my values.
  3. Exercise – Daily, non-harming training increases my strength, endurance, stability, and mobility.
  4. Nutrition – Careful attention to what I eat; knowing my unique constitution: what sustains me and what depletes me.
  5. Purpose and Contribution – A cause that gets me out of bed in the morning and inspires me to make a difference in the world.

I hope this might inspire you to develop and maintain a mental fitness program that is right for you.

Reflections On Thanksgiving Day

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On this magnificent and beautiful Thanksgiving weekend in Western Canada, I have much to be grateful for. I have been richly blessed: with a family who inspires, supports, and loves me, with good friends who see the good in me when I can’t see it in myself, with good health, with a career that allows me to live my purpose, with the dogs that I walk every morning who remind me to stay present to all the beauty that surrounds me, with mentors who help me maintain perspective, and for a imperfect path to inner peace and well-being.

In the midst of the gratitude, I am also feeling anguish about the current troubles in the world. While reflecting on the horrific tragedies in Israel this morning, I had a call from a good friend, Peter Nieman, a pediatrician who has recently completed his third book, “SUSTAINED: A Life Re-Written After Sudden Misfortune.” SUSTAINED is Peter’s story of his healing journey and some lessons he is learning through the loss of his young son who took his own life.

Peter and I spoke of getting through a crisis with a sense of equanimity, inner-peace, well-being and realness, even as we embrace fully the horror of whatever we are facing. We spoke about the importance, when confronting catastrophe, to keep, our MVP: Motives, Values, and Priorities front and centre. Then we looked more deeply into what each of our motives, values, and priorities were at this stage in our lives.

Among Buddhists, a Sangha is a community. In Sanskrit, sangha means “collective” or “assemblage,” a group of friends committed to support each other to sustain perspective, support, and continually renewed self-awareness.
On this Canadian Thanksgiving weekend I am grateful for my Sangha.

Be the leader you’ve been searching for. Why not you? Why not now?

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It’s easy to complain about a lack of leadership – in our workplace, the community where we live, or our country. It’s easier to sit in the stands and criticize than to be a player on the ice.

Complaining is a way to keep ourselves safe so we don’t have to do the work required to change. It’s a defense against having the courage to change ourselves. That’s why the ratio of complainers to players is about 1000:1.

We institutionally deny the fact that we are actually creating the culture and the leadership we are complaining about. Deciding that you are co-creating what you are criticizing and therefore you can step into changing it, is the ultimate act of accountability.

Rather than complaining, clearly define the kind of leader you have been searching for. Make a list of the qualities you would like to see in a leader. Describe the virtues of the leader you want – in your life, at work, in your community, or in your country.

Now go to work and be that kind of leader – in your life, in your work, in your community, and in your country.

Let bad leadership inspire you, not discourage you.

Why not you? Why not now?

Replacing Perfectionism with Being Human

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I’ve spent a good deal of my life trying to be the best at everything I do – at school, in sports, in my work – in every part of my life. While this drive for perfection has led to the achievement of many goals, it has also contributed to much tension and stress in my life. When your worth is attached to an unattainable ideal, not only are you continually frustrated, you miss opportunities assuming you can’t do them perfectly. I’ve also wasted far too much time and energy trying to complete projects perfectly rather than embrace the beauty of “good enough.”

I know that the seeds of perfectionism were planted in my response to trauma. With little control during the formative years of my life, I unknowingly tried to be perfect at everything as a way of controlling the uncontrollable in order to feel safe.

Today, I am learning to find the good side of my addiction to perfection. I see the strength that comes in daily disciplines, routines, and efforts to improve. I know that my temperament responds well to discipline and structure. And rather than striving for perfection, I’m content with making progress. As I let go of perfection and learn to live with greater authenticity, passion, and presence, I am actually enjoying life more and even making a greater contribution. And I hope I’m a little more enjoyable and fun to be around. To borrow from Leonard Cohen, I’m letting go of my “perfect offering” and remembering what it means to be human.

Leadership is not always easy, but it’s worth it.

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Here are a few ways that indicate you are doing a good job as a leader – even when it feels like you may not be.

  1. Connection. People initiate a connection with you. They come into your office. They reach out to you. They seek your advice. Initiating connection is an indication of trust.
  2. Results. The results are there. You are achieving your goals. You are achieving the goals of the organization. And you’re doing it as a team.
  3. Empowerment. People around you feel good about their own success and the success of the team. They express pride in working together to achieve something difficult. Credit goes to the team, not you.
  4. Self-Honesty. Just questioning whether you are a good leader indicates humility and an effort to be honest with yourself – qualities of a great leader. I don’t trust anyone who doesn’t admit to a healthy dose of self-doubt every once and awhile.
  5. Enjoyment. This is, for me, the most important measurement. I suppose there are a few incompetent leaders who enjoy themselves, but most are stressed and anxious. When you’re enjoying yourself (at least most days), and the people around you are relaxed and having a great time doing hard stuff, you are doing something right as a leader.

You may have your own list. I’d love to hear what is on it.