Acceptance is the cornerstone to belonging

/in , , , , , , /by

Acceptance is the cornerstone to belonging and becomes part of the foundation of a psychologically safe place to live and work. Our awareness of the importance of psychological safety to create high trust, highly engaged, productive organizations, has increased dramatically in recent years as employees demand better workplace cultures.

Building a sense of acceptance and belonging with your team is a critical factor in building a high-performance culture in your organization.

I suggest three critical strategies for ensuring that you are building belonging around you:

  1. Take time to think about belonging on your team. Reflect on whether every team member knows that they belong, that their contribution is recognized and appreciated, and they feel accepted as a valuable member of the team.
  2. Reflect on your own inner state. Pay particular attention to how you handle stress, and how your emotional state creates either tension or inspiration in the people who depend on you.
  3. Look at your own values. Take an honest inventory of how you feel about the people on your team. Examine carefully where you have judgements and how it’s helping or hindering your success.

 

Building Belonging: The Power of Connection

/in , , , , , , , , , , /by
When Justin was early in recovery from a brutal, deadly five-year crystal meth addiction, his withdrawal symptoms were debilitating and painful, including excruciating paranoia and an inability to sleep. Some of his paranoia was grounded in reality. He had drug dealers and gang members breathing down his neck.
His grandmother, who was caring for him and desperate to help, asked if he wanted to go to church with her. “Maybe Jesus can help you sleep,” she said one Sunday morning. Justin had no interest in Jesus but liked his grandmother and had nothing else to do, so he went along.
It turned out that he got so bored with the sermon that he fell asleep.
Week after week, he kept going. And every week he would sleep through the service. He became a permanent fixture in the congregation. Often you could hear him snoring, but no one disturbed him. They let him be. In fact, long after the congregation left, Justin would still be lying there, fast asleep. The pastor let him sleep in the chapel all Sunday.
When I asked him why he kept going to church, he said, “It’s the only place I feel safe enough to sleep.” He eventually became an active member in the church community. It was a big part of his recovery journey.
Acceptance of another is not without boundaries, expectations, or consequences; it’s not necessarily about agreement or condoning behaviors that we would not choose for ourselves. Instead, it is a deep and simple respect for another human being. It’s an understanding that transcends judgement, prejudice, and marginalization.
Acceptance is the cornerstone to belonging and becomes part of the foundation of a psychologically safe place to live and work. Our awareness of the importance of psychological safety to create high trust, highly engaged, productive organizations, has increased dramatically in recent years as employees demand better workplace cultures. Building a sense of acceptance and belonging with your team is a critical factor in building a high-performance culture in your organization.
I suggest three critical strategies for ensuring that you are building belonging around you:
  1. Take time to think about belonging on your team. Reflect on whether every team member knows that they belong, that their contribution is recognized and appreciated, and they feel accepted as a valuable member of the team.
  2. Reflect on your own inner state. Pay particular attention to how you handle stress, and how your emotional state creates either tension or inspiration in the people who depend on you.
  3. Look at your own values. Take an honest inventory of how you feel about the people on your team. Examine carefully where you have judgements and how it’s helping or hindering your success.

When I go to the gym, I’m focused and intense.

/in , , , /by

When I go to the gym, I’m focused and intense.

I can also be judgmental of “amateurs.”

So one day, while I was waiting for one of the weight machines, there were two seniors joking around, oblivious to the fact that I was impatiently waiting for the equipment they were “playing around on.”

I thought to myself, “Don’t you know that you’re holding me up from getting my workout in?”

Then I realized that I was so tense compared to them, and it dawned on me, what good is it to get stronger at the expense of my well-being?

Maybe they are actually getting more from the workout by having a community and taking care of their mental health.

And… who will live the longest?
Even more importantly: Who will live better?

No easy answers. But I thought it was important to raise the question.

What are the stories that run your life?

/in , , , , /by

What are the stories that run your life?

After reading Dain Dunston’s thought-provoking book, Being Essential: Seven Questions for Living and Leading with Radical Self-Awareness, I was intrigued by the notion that our stories can unconsciously drive our lives. So we best be sure that we know what these narratives are and that they are true for the context we are currently living.

At four years old, I was incubated in an oxygen tent with a poliovirus infection. It created significant trauma, as I didn’t see my parents for weeks. In those days no visitors were allowed. I remember lying there alone crying myself to sleep, wondering if they would ever return.

After I went home, my arms and legs were very weak, so my father, a gymnast, coached me on the parallel bars and tumbling mat in our basement each day to help rebuild my strength.

And when I was bullied and teased at school, attributed, at least in part, to the residue of a weakened body, my dad would say, “Don’t pray for the world to get easier, pray for you to get stronger.”

The result of years of passionate dedication was a track scholarship at university. I credit my ability to overcome adversity through discipline and focused work to my father’s patient and persistent support and love. My commitment and the results that followed increased my confidence as I went on to build a successful speaking and consulting business.

However, in the process, I unconsciously created a story that my worth is dependent on what I can prove to the world I can overcome and achieve.

While the story served a vital purpose at the time, it eventually exceeded its function and led to unbridled ambition and eventual workaholism, tension, neglected relationships, a life out of balance, and burnout.

As I find my security from within, the narrative is now shifting from proving myself to expressing myself, from uncontrolled obsession to meaningful, focused contribution in my work.

The journey was enhanced by Dain’s insights. I recommend his book to those committed to living an authentic life with greater self-awareness.

 

Does the word accountability have a positive or negative association for you?

/in , , , , /by

Does the word accountability have a positive or negative association for you?

Throughout my career, accountability has been a central focus of my research and teaching.

Here are ten things I’ve learned about accountability:

  1. Accountability is the ability to be counted on. Never make a promise you don’t intend to keep, and when you make a promise, keep it, whether you feel like it or not.
  2. Think carefully before you make an agreement – then painstakingly keep the agreements you make. It’s much easier to say no upfront than it is to get out of an agreement that you no longer want to keep. And when you say yes, follow through.
  3. It’s easier to see a lack of accountability in others. It’s a lot easier to be mad at someone else for being late than to be mad at yourself for not showing up on time.
  4. Accountability is the cornerstone of self-respect. No one takes pride in doing something easy. Keeping a promise always leaves you feeling better about yourself. And when you respect yourself, you earn the trust and respect of others.
  5. Accountability inspires others. Accountability is usually used to hammer rather than inspire people. When properly understood, accountability is meant to create safety, alignment, and trust. It’s inspiring to be around people who can be counted on. You’ll get much further building accountability with a flashlight rather than a stick.
  6. Accountability is about ownership. Blaming and finger-pointing are all symptoms of a lack of accountability. Decide that all blame is a waste of time and your life will change forever. Accountability is ultimately about looking in the mirror.
  7. Accountability is about growing up. There’s a difference between maturity and aging. All beings grow oldbut growing up is the duty of human beings.
  8. Accountability requires a recovery plan. When you can’t keep a promise here’s a three-step recovery plan: a) Let your creditor know as soon as you know if your agreement is jeopardized; b) Negotiate with your creditor to minimize damages and re-commit to a new agreement; 3) Learn from your experience so it doesn’t happen again.
  9. To avoid downstream problems, get the agreements right. The vast majority of accountability problems stem from a lack of clear agreements and understanding the consequences. Courageous conversations upstream will prevent problems down the line.
  10. Accountability lies at the core of leadership. If you want your best people to produce results, stay engaged, be inspired, find value in coming back to the office after working from home, and be loyal, it all starts with a well-designed and delivered accountability process.

Journalling – How To Get Going And Keep Going

/in , , , , , , /by

Journalling – How To Get Going And Keep Going

Connection to others is critical in good leadership and starts with connection to yourself. Journalling is a great tool for self-connection.

Here are some guidelines to get you going and keep you going:

  1. Buy a nice journal. I love a good leather-covered one I can feel proud to write in.
  2. Have a regular time to write – in the morning, at the end of the day, or, for example, every Sunday morning as you reflect on the past seven days and the week ahead. I like to spend five minutes journalling when I first come in the office, before I turn on my computer. It helps me connect to myself before the barrage of the world’s demands start hitting me.
  3. Experiment with structure. Sometimes journalling is a brain dump, a process I learned from Julia Cameron. Her journalling method is three pages of stream-of-consciousness writing. Other times I use a structure of a) How am I feeling? (Including wins in the past 24 hours, lessons learned, and glitches); b) How will I show up today? c) What am I grateful for?
  4. Write less than you think you “should.” Like exercise, it’s better to have small consistent successes than big failures. Two or three sentences is great while you’re getting into the habit.
  5. Don’t show it to anyone. You aren’t writing to impress anyone. It won’t be graded. It is only for you.
  6. Don’t sweat it if journalling doesn’t work for you. It isn’t for everyone. There are lots of other tools for connecting with yourself.