Tag Archive for: EmotionalIntelligence

What are the stories that run your life?

What are the stories that run your life?

After reading Dain Dunston’s thought-provoking book, Being Essential: Seven Questions for Living and Leading with Radical Self-Awareness, I was intrigued by the notion that our stories can unconsciously drive our lives. So we best be sure that we know what these narratives are and that they are true for the context we are currently living.

At four years old, I was incubated in an oxygen tent with a poliovirus infection. It created significant trauma, as I didn’t see my parents for weeks. In those days no visitors were allowed. I remember lying there alone crying myself to sleep, wondering if they would ever return.

After I went home, my arms and legs were very weak, so my father, a gymnast, coached me on the parallel bars and tumbling mat in our basement each day to help rebuild my strength.

And when I was bullied and teased at school, attributed, at least in part, to the residue of a weakened body, my dad would say, “Don’t pray for the world to get easier, pray for you to get stronger.”

The result of years of passionate dedication was a track scholarship at university. I credit my ability to overcome adversity through discipline and focused work to my father’s patient and persistent support and love. My commitment and the results that followed increased my confidence as I went on to build a successful speaking and consulting business.

However, in the process, I unconsciously created a story that my worth is dependent on what I can prove to the world I can overcome and achieve.

While the story served a vital purpose at the time, it eventually exceeded its function and led to unbridled ambition and eventual workaholism, tension, neglected relationships, a life out of balance, and burnout.

As I find my security from within, the narrative is now shifting from proving myself to expressing myself, from uncontrolled obsession to meaningful, focused contribution in my work.

The journey was enhanced by Dain’s insights. I recommend his book to those committed to living an authentic life with greater self-awareness.


Journalling – How To Get Going And Keep Going

Journalling – How To Get Going And Keep Going

Connection to others is critical in good leadership and starts with connection to yourself. Journalling is a great tool for self-connection.

Here are some guidelines to get you going and keep you going:

  1. Buy a nice journal. I love a good leather-covered one I can feel proud to write in.
  2. Have a regular time to write – in the morning, at the end of the day, or, for example, every Sunday morning as you reflect on the past seven days and the week ahead. I like to spend five minutes journalling when I first come in the office, before I turn on my computer. It helps me connect to myself before the barrage of the world’s demands start hitting me.
  3. Experiment with structure. Sometimes journalling is a brain dump, a process I learned from Julia Cameron. Her journalling method is three pages of stream-of-consciousness writing. Other times I use a structure of a) How am I feeling? (Including wins in the past 24 hours, lessons learned, and glitches); b) How will I show up today? c) What am I grateful for?
  4. Write less than you think you “should.” Like exercise, it’s better to have small consistent successes than big failures. Two or three sentences is great while you’re getting into the habit.
  5. Don’t show it to anyone. You aren’t writing to impress anyone. It won’t be graded. It is only for you.
  6. Don’t sweat it if journalling doesn’t work for you. It isn’t for everyone. There are lots of other tools for connecting with yourself.

12 Habits of Genuine People

Travis Bradberry recently published a Forbes article titled, 12 Habits of Genuine People. He builds a good case for the value of being genuine, then outlines the hallmarks of genuine people: “they don’t pass judgement … they’re generous … they treat everyone with respect … they aren’t motivated by material things … that aren’t driven by ego … they aren’t hypocrites.”

While these compelling virtues undoubtedly point towards authenticity, the article inspired me to think more deeply about my research and understanding of what it means to be authentic. If one holds these qualities of authenticity as the gold standard of a genuine life, we may unintentionally fall into a trap of attempting to live up to an ideal that’s humanly impossible, then become, paradoxically, inauthentic. Is anyone truly virtuous enough to be immune to hypocrisy, judgement, disrespect, the desire for material things, or ego?

If we are honest, can anyone possibly adhere to these qualities every day? And is falling short of sainthood the same as being inauthentic? And are we perpetuating a culture of complaint when our leaders fall short of these expectations?

What if, instead of being ingenuous, falling short of this near perfect standard of genuine meant being human. Being human doesn’t mean lowering our standards or becoming complacent. We can always improve. Authenticity is a commitment to staying real in our progress.

When it comes to authenticity, the notion of sincerity comes to light. The word sincere is derived from the Latin sine meaning without, and cera, meaning wax. Dishonest sculptors in ancient Rome and Greece would cover flaws in their work with wax to deceive the viewer; therefore, a sculpture “without wax” would mean honesty in its imperfection.
Authenticity, like sincerity, is honesty in its imperfection. We don’t have to hide from or be ashamed of our cracks. In the words of Leonard Cohen, “that’s how the light gets in.”

Rather than creating an illusion of perfection, being authentic means embracing our humanity. It means a commitment to bring our hypocrisy, insecurities, judgements, materialism, and ego into the light of awareness, and notice their impact so we can create safe, honest, accountable, more fully human workplaces.

Take An Emotional Temperature Reading

In a recent podcast (The Leader’s Navigator) with my daughter, Hayley, we talked about Living Authentically With Anger. To counter some of the divisiveness and strain that seems prevalent in our world today, we suggest a strategy to use with your team. Before every operational meeting, get a sentence from each person about how they are feeling. It’s a good way to stay connected, build community, and nip any tension in the bud before it turns to serious conflict. Then, if there are any concerning feelings that arise from this initial temperature reading, you can choose to bring it offline with the person individually or address it in more detail with the group. We call this an Emotional Temperature Reading (ETR).

I brought the idea of an ETR to our last team meeting. It went over great. What we discovered was that even though we are in the business of authenticity and connection, it’s easy to let the demands in our business take precedence over actually applying what we teach. It was a good experience. Spending the first ten minutes connecting with ourselves and each other before getting into the agenda lightened up the mood, brought some humanity into the meeting, helped us be real with each other, and allowed for creativity to surface.

In fact, a day after, a team member circulated this link help us in connect to our emotional side. Knowing how you feel can be tough for all of us. Here’s a helpful tool for increasing your emotional literacy. Emotional Literacy

What are you doing to connect with your emotional side? How do you check in with your team? How do stay connected with your team to ensure you stay aligned and supportive of each other?

Can Arrogance Be Mistaken For Confidence?

While arrogance and confidence appear similar on the surface, there is a definitive line that divides the two. Confidence is an intrinsic value, involving inner trust, assurance, and faith in one’s ability to deal with the situation in front them. Arrogance, on the other hand, is a false sense of superiority over others that comes from an unacknowledged lack of confidence. At its extreme, arrogance can be seen as an ego-maniac with an inferiority complex. We’ve all met them. Maybe we’ve seen one in the mirror. I know I have. And when you give this person a leadership title where they can use their positional power to show everyone how insecure they are, it never ends well.

When you are truly confident, you don’t have a need to appear superior over others.

Arrogance is a coping strategy, a learned response to feel safe and powerful when you are lacking confidence. Insecurity, self-doubt, and fear are all part of being human. But when it’s not safe to acknowledge these parts of ourselves, we learn to cope in a variety of ways. One coping strategy is to cover up our insecurity with arrogance. Another is to withdraw and quit. The authentic way is to develop the self-awareness and courage to acknowledge to ourselves when we are feeling a lack of confidence and make appropriate choices to walk bravely through what we are facing. The authentic way ultimately leads to confidence and trust – both in ourselves and in those around us.

How do you view the difference between arrogance and confidence?