RECHARGING LEADERS: Redefining Empathy and Resilience in the Workplace

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In a recent coaching session, a leader, who is very caring and in touch with his people, told me of a recent exchange he had with one of his team members where he outlined his expectations for the role he was in. The expectations didn’t seem excessive to me, but the employee responded with a letter to HR that his manager was “creating an unsafe work environment and putting unnecessary stress” on him. He expressed that this was a trauma he was experiencing at work that necessitated a stress leave.

I know there are always two sides to a story. I also know that many conscious, caring leaders grapple with how to build “high performing” cultures while navigating between holding people accountable for performance and avoiding being overly harsh or creating unnecessary stress on those they lead and serve.

There has been an important shift in recent years that emphasizes employees as whole people rather than “units of productivity.” This shift necessitates an attention to empathy, acknowledging the internal states and personal challenges of those around us.

But has all this sensitivity to people helped us to be mentally stronger? Is it empowering us and making us more resilient than previous generations? As critical as empathy and caring are, has it all gone too far? Are leaders working too hard to keep employees inspired and motivated? I believe it’s worth some consideration. It’s time to recharge leaders by redefining empathy and resilience in the workplace.

Some perspectives for leaders to consider:

  1. Take care of yourself. This has nothing to do with self-centeredness. It has to do with ensuring that your leadership comes from overflow not from emptiness. You can’t give what you don’t have. To inspire others, you must be inspired. Many of us give more attention to recharging our phones than recharging ourselves. Yet it still holds true that we need to look after ourselves so we can be there for others. Take care of yourself – whatever that means to you.
  2. Redefine empathy. Empathy has emerged as a critical component of effective leadership, reshaping how organizations approach workplace dynamics and employee well-being. But empathy isn’t about coddling people, making it easy, rescuing people from their unhappiness, or lowering your standards and expectations. Empathy fatigue often comes from working harder than the person we have empathy for. In the recovery and addictions field this is called enabling. Empathy, instead, is about supporting people, feeling with them, helping them find and develop the resources they require to do their job, and then being in their corner through the tough challenges that come with that responsibility. If empathy isn’t empowering people, it’s not empathy.
  3. Hire strong people. Work is hard. That’s why we call it work. Don’t use psychological safety as a weapon to hobble your manager. Managers have an accountability to hold themselves and their team to high standards that will require strength. Nobody takes pride in doing things that are easy. Let people know what is expected of them before you hire them and when they come on board. And make sure they’re up to the challenge. Hire people who are strong givers and are willing to do their part to co-create an inspiring, caring culture that will produce the right results.
  4. Make results your highest priority. Organizations are not in the business of taking care of people. Organizations are in the business of getting results. Of course, you won’t get results – and certainly not long term – if you don’t take care of people. We also won’t get the needed results if we burn our leaders out. Making results matter isn’t just good for organizations. It’s good for the mental health of the people who work in those organizations. It’s good for us all to be contributing to the world by producing meaningful results. It’s good for human beings to set our “problems” aside, lean into the grind, and push through to the other side. Getting stronger is what builds resiliency, not getting let off the hook. Just be sure that the results you are working on together are both challenging and meaningful and remember the purpose of business: it’s a tool to create what matters in life.

As leaders, is there value in sharing our mistakes, or is it okay to keep some things private?

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Sharing mistakes can foster a culture of learning, trust, and psychological safety within an organization. When leaders openly discuss their errors, it encourages team members to take risks, be innovative, and learn from failures without fear of punishment. Sharing mistakes demonstrates confidence, promotes humility, fosters collaboration, and improves performance through better problem-solving and faster resolution of issues. Sharing mistakes is critical to create a climate of collaboration and discovery.

It’s not appropriate to share mistakes in order to get unnecessary sympathy or to share confidential information. Sharing mistakes has to serve the team. It won’t make your team stronger by confessing you made a bad personal financial investment or you treated your spouse poorly before you came to work.

How do you discern between what needs sharing in the workplace and what is better kept private?

UNMASKING Navigating Blind Spots and Embracing Authenticity

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When Scott was growing up, his father wasn’t around to give him any kind of a model of what it meant to be an available dad. He learned to show his love to his young children the only way he knew how – by working hard and providing financially for his family. When his two boys were young, he was working ninety hours a week building his real estate company.

When his kids were preschoolers, he embarked on his own personal development journey, the journey to a better, more authentic relationship with himself. This path awakened his desire to be a better person and a better father. While he was available much more than his own father was, as his sons grew older, he still struggled, like many men, to bond and connect with his boys. By the time his oldest son turned fourteen, they were both absorbed in their respective busy lives – Scott at work and his son a high-level hockey player.

The pain of their lack of connection led Scott to unmask his facade and write his son a letter. He was becoming increasingly frustrated with the response “good,” or “okay,” whenever he asked his son how he was. And Scott had enough self-awareness to recognize his part of contributing to the wall between them. Writing was a tool that he had used in the past to communicate difficult stuff with people he cared about. It turned out to be a long letter, and within it he wrote, “…My biggest challenge… is connecting with you, [son]. This is entirely on me. I was very young when you were born and I was working really hard on growing my business because I was terrified that if I didn’t grow a great business, I couldn’t provide a good life for you, your brother, and your mom. I grew up in financial struggle and to me, nothing was more important than financial survival. I also didn’t have a role model of how to be a good dad because mine wasn’t around (that wasn’t his fault either) and so I really didn’t know how to bond and connect with you. Your mom was doing such a great job that I thought that base was covered, and I didn’t realize it was also my job. Then over time as you got older, it became harder for you and I to talk or to even give a hug or say hi. I realized the consequences of my ignorance as a young dad, and it hurts me deeply that I haven’t earned your trust to let me inside your mind and your heart. Now I’m working overtime trying to figure out how to earn that from you…”

After reading the letter, his son responded the best way he knew how – to come over to the couch and sit quietly beside his dad. He didn’t say a thing. He didn’t have to. But you knew that this moment was a new beginning.

Embracing authenticity by unmasking, and navigating blind spots can take many forms and can be expressed in a myriad of ways. Sometimes it means being courageous and vulnerable with the people around us, opening up to what’s truly in your heart. Sometimes it starts by simply acknowledging our masks. For others, it’s about aligning your actions with your values and beliefs. Authenticity can be expressed through empathy and genuine curiosity. It can mean seeking honest feedback or devoting yourself to studying and understanding yourself so you can become the best version of yourself. For some, authenticity is about having the courage to put down an addiction, asking for help, leaving a career with a secure income that is no longer satisfying or stepping into a life-long dream you’ve procrastinated starting.

Three keys to unmasking, navigating blind spots, and embracing self-awareness and authenticity:

  1. Acknowledge when a change is needed. The time for change can come to you in a variety of ways. It can come when you start feeling tired most of the time. It can come when you start realizing that your work is no longer bringing you joy. It can come when a relationship starts feeling “empty” and in need of new energy. Or when you aren’t getting the required engagement from your team. Authenticity means leaning into the discomfort, listening carefully to it, and courageously taking action to do something different.
  2. Find an ally, a trusted confidant. Navigating blind spots and embracing self-awareness requires some outside perspective and support. Finding an ally might mean starting with your existing circle of friends and thinking about one person you would like to start opening up with. It might mean reaching out to a coach or therapist. A confidant is someone you don’t just vent to, but someone who will support and hold you accountable to be true to yourself.
  3. Practice incremental honesty. While clarity, courage, and vulnerability can begin transforming family and team dynamics, old, familiar patterns are difficult to change. Patience and grace are required on the journey back to your true self. When it comes to personal and relationship changes, remember: slow progress is better than fast regression.

Building a Bucket List Board: Inspire Your Team With What Matters

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One of the most rewarding parts of my business is the quality of the leaders I meet. One of these leaders is Dean Koeller, CEO of Calvert Home Mortgage Investment Corporation. Mentored and encouraged by his father to build an organization that truly cares, it’s inspiring to walk into his workplace. Invigorating and welcoming, you’ll find his team engaged in lively conversations, sharing ideas and laughter. There is a palpable sense of community. This atmosphere not only inspires productivity, it makes employees feel valued and connected to one another, ultimately cultivating a strong sense of belonging within the organization and a commitment to serve their clients and their community in the same way.

When I asked for an example of how he cultivates such an incredible culture, Dean took me into the lunchroom and introduced me to the Calvert Team Bucket List. Every team member is encouraged to post on the board a project they are pursuing – away from work – that matters to them. You see people climbing mountains, preparing for triathlons, traveling to amazing places, going up in balloons, and visiting grandchildren. You learn what challenges people, inspires people, and is important to them. You learn why people come to work. You learn things that many individuals, hidden behind office doors and computer screens, may work together for years and never know.

Three things I learned about leadership from Dean:

  1. Caring is everything. Dean didn’t do this as a “leadership technique.” Everything Dean does comes from his heart. It’s who he is. Caring is at the core of everything in his organization. He genuinely wants to know people better and the bucket list board is a way to learn about them and celebrate who they are.
  2. Recognizing what matters to people matters. Creating a space to acknowledge what’s important to your team in a unique and authentic way connects people and transforms a company into a community. And a community is a safe place for people to be who they are and be inspired to bring the best of who they are to what they do.
  3. What you give will come back to you – multiplied. Whether you’re celebrating what matters or simply taking the time to listen to and value people, your team will give it their all to build a successful organization when they know you’re giving your all to them. Loyalty, trust, and a commitment to service don’t come from expecting. They come from giving.

The Calvert Team Bucket List Board is an example of a unique method for building a caring culture and it goes a long way in creating psychological safety in his organization. Psychological safety is a crucial element for fostering high-performing teams and innovative work environments. People need to feel safe to express their ideas, admit mistakes, and challenge the status quo without fear of negative repercussions. People need to know it’s expected that they will be who they are. Psychological safety abounds in Dean’s organization and his team thrives as a result.

Authenticity brings peace, power, and purpose into our lives and leadership.

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A research project posed two questions to a randomly selected group:

  1. What’s it like to live your life and not be the real you? Responses included: Exhausting, depressing, sad, stressful, lonely, disengaged, empty, and lost.
  2. What’s it like to accept yourself? Responses included: Happy, confident, joyous, free, inspiring, appreciative, alive, fulfilled.

Who would you prefer for a boss or colleague: An authentic person who is at peace with themselves or an inauthentic person who isn’t?

Leadership is truly about PRESENCE, not position.

Four Pillars of a Good Life

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Lindsay Kimmett was an athlete, leader, learner, and aspiring doctor with the skills and ambition to leave a big mark on the world. After her tragic passing on February 17th, 2008, her family and friends, committed to carrying on her legacy and passion for hockey, organized a 3-on-3 pond hockey tournament in Lindsay’s hometown of Cochrane, Alberta, Canada. Known as the Kimmett Cup, the tournament is held annually on the second weekend of February. It grows every year, bringing the community together and donating to local charities while contributing to the Lindsay Leigh Kimmett Memorial Foundation, a non-profit organization dedicated to Lindsay’s memory.

The original organizers of the event knew nothing about organizing a hockey tournament. But they wanted the tournament to reflect who Lindsay was as a person. Today, even though a lot has changed, they still strive to maintain the same principles: everyone plays; play like Lindsay did; bring community together. Lindsay lived by the motto “seize the day”. Today they live out that legacy through Lindsay’s Foundation. To date, more than $3,000,000 has been invested into the community in Lindsay’s name, across an array of both local and global initiatives.

One of the indicators of a good life is that it lives beyond a life – regardless of its length. To live authentically means taking the time to define what it means to live a well-lived life. Inspired by Otto Paul Kretzmann, a professor and pastor of the mid-20th century, I maintain that if a person is to survive, flourish, and stay sane in the modern world, four elements are essential.

  1. Something to live by. A well-lived life requires a set of values that provide guideposts and a framework for decision-making. Focused momentum is necessary for well-being and cannot be sustained by impulsive decisions. Non-negotiable principles guide an authentic life and provide strength and direction.
  2. Something to live for. Life becomes a slog when it consists merely of checking off a daily to-do list. A sense of purpose, a reason for being, and service beyond self-interest give us a compelling reason to get out of bed in the morning and stay engaged with our life.
  3. Something to live on. Money may not buy you happiness, but it will buy you options. Creating an income sufficient to attend to our basic needs and allow pursuits that bring joy are important to a well-lived life. It isn’t just about how much we make, however. It’s also about how much we spend. Fulfillment is hard to grasp amid worry and financial stress. Having the discipline to live below your means and learning to be satisfied with what you have are paramount to a good life.
  4. Something to live with. Something to live by, to live for, and to live on means little if we don’t learn to live with love. A good life is one that is lived wholeheartedly, connected to the important people in our lives. Love is what makes it all worthwhile.