Why do we discount people’s feelings – and what can we do about it?

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Why do we discount people’s feelings – and what can we do about it?

Have you ever been told to:

  • “Calm down”
  • “Don’t worry”
  • “Relax”
  • “Don’t be so intense”
  • “Just let it go”

Rarely do these responses change the emotions or the actions that are intended. In fact, they usually result in making things worse. Most people are primed to be punished for being emotional at work, but it also happens in our personal relationships. Emotional invalidation can be hurtful. So how do we deal with it – authentically.

Let’s first understand why we attempt to quash, refute, or undermine emotions. There are potentially several reasons, but it mostly occurs when we aren’t comfortable with our own emotions or we feel responsible to “fix” the feelings of others in order to feel competent, safe, or secure when we are around a highly charged person. Usually people don’t want to cause the harm they are unintentionally invalidate another’s emotions.

So… what are some strategies for dealing with highly intense, emotional people in your life, and, if you are an intense person, what are some tactics for dealing with people who invalidate your emotions.

Dealing with emotional responses:

  1. Appreciate emotions. Value feelings. Without emotions you wouldn’t have the energy, passion, or creativity that are required for a healthy, thriving workplace or life.
  2. Put your oxygen mask on. If you find yourself in front of an upset person, take some deep breaths and remind yourself that you don’t have to fix this, that the emotions will, that being fully present is enough, and that you respect yourself enough to not tolerate disrespectful comments.
  3. Invite the other person to talk – with empathy. You can say nothing or say something like, “I want to listen right now.”
  4. Check if they are ready to move forward. Once you see a decrease in emotion, you can begin to move toward problem solving or simply appreciating the time you have spent holding the space for another

Dealing with emotional invalidation:

  1. Don’t take it personally. I know this is way easier said than done, but you have to realize that people who shut emotions down are doing so because of their own fears.
  2. Be sure you aren’t putting your feeling in the driver seat. If you emotions are taking over your actions, your performance, and your results, then there is legitimacy in wanting to have you shut them down.
  3. Have a conversation with the people who are impacted by your emotions – before you are activated – about respectful ground rules for handling highly emotionally charged situations.
  4. Don’t be disrespected. Don’t allow yourself to be diminished for who you are – under any circumstance. Stay true to yourself, appreciate the constructive emotions that surface in your relationships, and focus on expected results.

Take An Emotional Temperature Reading

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In a recent podcast (The Leader’s Navigator) with my daughter, Hayley, we talked about Living Authentically With Anger. To counter some of the divisiveness and strain that seems prevalent in our world today, we suggest a strategy to use with your team. Before every operational meeting, get a sentence from each person about how they are feeling. It’s a good way to stay connected, build community, and nip any tension in the bud before it turns to serious conflict. Then, if there are any concerning feelings that arise from this initial temperature reading, you can choose to bring it offline with the person individually or address it in more detail with the group. We call this an Emotional Temperature Reading (ETR).

I brought the idea of an ETR to our last team meeting. It went over great. What we discovered was that even though we are in the business of authenticity and connection, it’s easy to let the demands in our business take precedence over actually applying what we teach. It was a good experience. Spending the first ten minutes connecting with ourselves and each other before getting into the agenda lightened up the mood, brought some humanity into the meeting, helped us be real with each other, and allowed for creativity to surface.

In fact, a day after, a team member circulated this link help us in connect to our emotional side. Knowing how you feel can be tough for all of us. Here’s a helpful tool for increasing your emotional literacy. Emotional Literacy

What are you doing to connect with your emotional side? How do you check in with your team? How do stay connected with your team to ensure you stay aligned and supportive of each other?

Decision Making

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Why decision making is so effective when it is located where the knowledge and expertise lie, rather than where the pay grade is appropriate.

I come from a lineage of hand-standers.

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I come from a lineage of hand-standers. My grandfather could still do a headstand when he was 93. My father was a Canadian national gymnast in the 1940s. He used to walk around on his hands when he was 50. I didn’t think there was anything particularly unusual about this until my friends came over. They thought it was pretty cool.

I’ve continued the practice and my handstand picture was taken last year on my sixty-fifth birthday .

But it’s not the handstands that are important. It’s the impact. It’s the inspiration. Like any achievement, it’s the person you become to get there. It’s also about the connection. After coming home from the hospital recovering from Meningitis at the age of four, Dad took me to the gym, put me on the parallel bars and the ropes and the rings and the tumbling mat and worked with me to rebuild my strength. “Don’t pray for the world to get easier,” he would say. “Pray, instead, for you to get stronger.”

I remember the strength of his shoulders and quads and forearms and heart, lifting me gently up on those bars and patiently working with me as I learned forward and backward rolls. We’d get up early and do 5BX Workouts together all through my elementary school years.

Dad and I also spent time together driving thirty minutes to and from church every week. I don’t remember much of what I learned in church, but what I do remember is the conversations with him in the car on the way there and back. He taught me how to drive on those trips. I remember listening to Earl Nightingale with him on Sunday morning radio. We’d talk about what we learned and how he inspired us both to be better human beings.

Leaders create ripples in time that extend to generations yet unborn. Not just impact in the here and now, but in the here and forever.

What are you doing today to impact the life of someone in the next generation? You may not see the fruit of your labor, but keep planting the seeds.

Psychological Safety: It Starts With Self-Awareness

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Your first and most important responsibility as a leader is to create a safe environment where people can bring their whole self to their work. So how do you know if people feel safe? How do you know whether people fully trust you? How do you know if people are secretly looking for a job somewhere else because of their relationship with you?

It starts with self-awareness. You simply don’t know what you don’t know. This is one of the driving forces behind the SAGE Forums. We want to help you become self-aware in a small community of like-minded, diverse individuals who will help reveal your blind spots, help hold you accountable for making the necessary changes, and give you the needed support to stay on track.

We’d love to have you be a part of our community. Remember: You aren’t alone. For information our SAGE Forums, check out our website: https://davidirvine.com/sage-forums/

 

Engagement and the Four Human Needs

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To get your team inspired and engaged, to foster loyalty, and get the most out of people under your care, you need to work with them to meet four fundamental needs.

  1. People need to feel safe. They need to feel physically and psychologically safe. They need to know it’s safe to tell the truth, be honest, and be themselves. They need to know that they can bring their whole self to work, and don’t have to leave who they are at the door.
  2. People need to feel supported. They need to know you care, that you have their back, and are concerned for them at work and away from work. They need to know that you know the names of their kids, what interests them away from work, and what’s concerning them when they get to work.
  3. People need to feel significant. They need to know that their work makes a difference and contributes to the success of the organization. They need to know that their gifts are valued and their goals are important, and that they can make these an integral part of their work.
  4. People need to be stretched. People need to be challenged to grow and have an opportunity to bring all they can to their game. Set the bar high and model the way. Be clear about your expectations. Give lots of support and help people be all they can be. Growth, after all, lives outside the comfort zone.