Tag Archive for: authenticity

Four Pillars of a Good Life

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Lindsay Kimmett was an athlete, leader, learner, and aspiring doctor with the skills and ambition to leave a big mark on the world. After her tragic passing on February 17th, 2008, her family and friends, committed to carrying on her legacy and passion for hockey, organized a 3-on-3 pond hockey tournament in Lindsay’s hometown of Cochrane, Alberta, Canada. Known as the Kimmett Cup, the tournament is held annually on the second weekend of February. It grows every year, bringing the community together and donating to local charities while contributing to the Lindsay Leigh Kimmett Memorial Foundation, a non-profit organization dedicated to Lindsay’s memory.

The original organizers of the event knew nothing about organizing a hockey tournament. But they wanted the tournament to reflect who Lindsay was as a person. Today, even though a lot has changed, they still strive to maintain the same principles: everyone plays; play like Lindsay did; bring community together. Lindsay lived by the motto “seize the day”. Today they live out that legacy through Lindsay’s Foundation. To date, more than $3,000,000 has been invested into the community in Lindsay’s name, across an array of both local and global initiatives.

One of the indicators of a good life is that it lives beyond a life – regardless of its length. To live authentically means taking the time to define what it means to live a well-lived life. Inspired by Otto Paul Kretzmann, a professor and pastor of the mid-20th century, I maintain that if a person is to survive, flourish, and stay sane in the modern world, four elements are essential.

  1. Something to live by. A well-lived life requires a set of values that provide guideposts and a framework for decision-making. Focused momentum is necessary for well-being and cannot be sustained by impulsive decisions. Non-negotiable principles guide an authentic life and provide strength and direction.
  2. Something to live for. Life becomes a slog when it consists merely of checking off a daily to-do list. A sense of purpose, a reason for being, and service beyond self-interest give us a compelling reason to get out of bed in the morning and stay engaged with our life.
  3. Something to live on. Money may not buy you happiness, but it will buy you options. Creating an income sufficient to attend to our basic needs and allow pursuits that bring joy are important to a well-lived life. It isn’t just about how much we make, however. It’s also about how much we spend. Fulfillment is hard to grasp amid worry and financial stress. Having the discipline to live below your means and learning to be satisfied with what you have are paramount to a good life.
  4. Something to live with. Something to live by, to live for, and to live on means little if we don’t learn to live with love. A good life is one that is lived wholeheartedly, connected to the important people in our lives. Love is what makes it all worthwhile.

Why “being nice” and avoiding hard conversations isn’t really “nice” at all

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Have you ever met a “nice” person who is polite, but hard to connect with?
There’s a difference between being nice and being kind. The chart illustrates an extreme dichotomy between the two.

Nice comes from insecurity, a lack of confidence
Kind comes from high self-worth and respect

Nice is polite aloofness
Kind is genuine benevolence

Nice is people-pleasing: negating your own needs to be liked and approved of
Kind is self-advocacy: standing up for your own needs; prioritizing your well-being

Nice has no personal boundaries; inability to say no
Kind has healthy boundaries; the ability to say no with compassion and respect

Nice is conflict avoidant – a desire to maintain harmony at all costs
Kind is honesty – being willing to communicate directly and compassionately about issues

Nice leads to courteous disconnection
Kind leads to authentic connection

Don’t Get Stuck In The Pursuit Of Perfection: The Power of Small, Continuous Improvement

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I’ve always had a hard time enjoying an activity because of my unrealistic expectations of perfection. Years ago I took piano lessons and I recall how much I practiced Für Elise focusing on perfection. I became hyper-aware of each barely noticeable flaw and when a finger slipped and shattered any illusion I had of perfection, I was devastated. Despite playing very well for several minutes all I could focus on were the mistakes.

Unable to appreciate my overall accomplishment or joy of making music I was ready to quit and didn’t play again until my next lesson.

After hearing my frustration, my wonderful piano teacher stopped my playing and gently said, “You’re never going to be a concert pianist, David. Why don’t you just enjoy playing?”

That was a life-changing moment. Instead of a perfectionist, I am learning to be content with making progress. I realize that perfectionism is only a coping mechanism to cover up inadequacy. It can paralyze us, holding us back for fear of falling short of impossibly high standards. At best it becomes a reason to quit, an excuse to save face. At worst, it creates a life of unending tension and stress.

Living authentically means a willingness to make mistakes and stumble, providing that we’re stumbling forward. Today I’m not so interested in what I can achieve as much as what I am becoming. I’ve not “arrived” because there is no finish line. When I remember this, life is more enjoyable.

4 Ways To Lead With Initiative

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After lunch today, I was in a hurry to get back to the office, and just placed my dishes on the counter rather than taking an extra few seconds to put them in the dishwasher.

When others pick up the slack and do too much for us, we lose what my parents called good old-fashioned initiative.

In a world full of opportunity, those who take initiative are the ones who truly thrive and shape the world. Taking initiative isn’t just about being proactive. It’s about seizing control of your life and career by seeing what needs to be done and stepping up before being asked.

Not only do those who take initiative solve the world’s problems, they breed growth, inspiration, and success around them. They are the true leaders in organizations.

Four ways to lead with initiative:

  1. Have a vision that serves the world beyond self-interest.
  2. Decide to be a giver rather than a taker. Stop waiting for permission. Look around for what needs doing and do it.
  3. Stay curious and continuously seek to learn.
  4. Decide to have a can-do attitude.

Is it well-loved?

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For the past several weeks while looking at houses, our realtor introduced an expression, “This house has been well loved.” Now at some showings, I find myself saying, “This is not a well-loved house.” Some people truly turn a house into a home that is worth loving, while some only take from their surroundings.

This got me thinking beyond houses. Some houses are loved, while some are not. Some cars are loved, while some are not. Some jobs are loved, while some are not. Some people in our lives are loved, while some are not.

If a house isn’t loved, you can’t blame the house. The more you love a place the more that place will give a reason to love it. The same is true of a car or any possession. It’s also true of our work and the people around us.

There are fundamentally two kinds of people in the world: takers and givers. Which one are you? While it can certainly depend on the day, here’s a question that’s worth reflecting on: Do you dedicate yourself to making your world worth living in, or do you expect that the world will devote itself to making you happy? And what is the result of your approach?

Whatever you have, is it well loved? Whoever is in your life, are they well-loved?

Simple Living in a Complex World: Transitions, Aristotle, and Coming Home

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Selling a house can be an emotional undertaking, a journey of self-discovery. It is a bittersweet experience as we downsize to simplify our lives.

Our peaceful home and the soothing nature reserve alongside it has been a haven to me and our family for almost two decades. It’s a place where I connected with my soul on walks in the forest, where I have meditated in the stillness and beauty of the valley, where our family appreciated the beauty of nature.

However, I’m coming to realize that a large part of my motivation to acquire this property was my need to prove myself and it has consumed much of my energy. That my worth has been tied to this place came, in part, from my early upbringing, driven by the voice of my mother who lived through poverty in the depression and who defined herself by her belongings as a result. This drive for status acquired from material possessions became part of my personal identity and has been a weight on my shoulders.

Like all patterns we create, this pattern has both a good side and a destructive one. I still love an aesthetic home that feeds my soul and am proud that we created that space for myself and loved ones. However, I know that the source of the drive to sustain it was not good for my wellbeing. In the words of the Quaker theorist of the simple life, John Woodman, I “necessitated to labour too hard.”

This struggle brings to mind Aristotle’s challenge to an external-oriented life which is as relevant today as it was twenty-three hundred years ago. He identified “external goods” as wealth, property, power, and reputation. These still create the standard vision of success in our modern times. Aristotle contrasted these external goods with elements of character or the “good of the soul”: fortitude, temperance, justice, and wisdom. When we consider what we truly want for ourselves and our children, are we overly concerned about being wealthy and successful? Or is success a means to the higher goal of being a good human being?

This transition to downsizing has inspired me to reconnect with my deepest self. Letting go is agonizing, yet it is leading me to a deeper homecoming to my authenticity.

I am looking forward to living more simply in this complex world, with less pressure and more focus on work that matters to me and the activities in life that I truly value. It’s never too late to start anew. And a huge reminder of this is that my new granddaughter, Juno, has just arrived! I look forward to spending more time with her.

Here are three lessons from my experience that I hope will be useful on your path to a simpler life:

  1. Practice making decisions based on sustainable values, not emotions. Decisions motivated by appearances, impressions, and impulses most often lead to a financial burden that you don’t need to carry.
  2. The good life is not one of consumption or size or external appearance, but of the flourishing of our deepest selves. It’s ultimately about the expression of love, giving of ourselves, and developing strong character.
  3. True belonging and worth ultimately don’t come from a physical place. They come from within.