Tag Archive for: leadership

The Gift Of Conflict

/in /by

In preparation for a workshop with a group of executives on “Managing Conflict,” I developed the following “Five Steps To Managing Conflict:”

Step 1.

Understand the nature of conflict and its importance in our lives.

Three Premises About Conflict:

  • Without conflict, you aren’t growing. We don’t grow without the challenges that emerge from conflict.
  • Without conflict, you are stagnant. If everyone were the same, most people would be redundant. Diversity and the resulting conflict is necessary.
  • Without conflict, life isn’t interesting. Have you ever seen a movie or read a novel without conflict?

… But we all need to get better at dealing with it constructively. We need to redefine how we think about it. Conflict is not “good” or “bad.” What makes it either constructive or destructive, is how it is dealt with.

Conflict is a gift – when you face it, work through it, and learn from it with the support from others.

Anger opens the door to conflict, as long as you keep it honest and respectful.

Anger: An honest and respectful dissatisfied  emotional response to a person or situation with the intent to bring either resolution or protection.

Inappropriate expressions of anger

  • Violence: The exertion of power with the intent to injure or abuse.
  • Bullying: A discriminatory act of force or coercion with the intent to be superior, involving a perceived imbalance of power.
  • Rage: Misdirected, dishonest, unbridled anger.

Because of their early exposure to some of these inappropriate uses of conflict, most people either withdraw from it or use it destructively. Either response will not help you use conflict productively.

Step 2.

Clarify Expectations and Accountabilities. Clearly defined expectations and accountabilities early on do a lot to prevent conflict, especially if you agree upon a process for talking about disagreements when you get off track – before you get off track.

Step 3.

Deal With Conflict Immediately – Before It Becomes Infected. I love Nelson Mandela’s definition of resentment: “Taking poison in the hopes that your enemy will die.”  Talk about your disagreements  up front, before they fester into something much worse.

Step 4.

Seek first to resolve the anger in the other, then between you. If you are in a disagreement with a person, clarify their interests and needs before focusing on your own interests and needs. Find common ground on interests, and stay away from positions. Communicate!

Step 5.

Reach for a shared meaning if there is respect and goodwill between you. Assuming there is respect and goodwill in a relationship, here’s my formula for reaching what I call a “shared meaning”:

  1. Person A speaks for self, using “I” statements.  No blame. Personal responsibility for feelings and needs.
  2. Person B repeats back what they heard Person A say.
  3. Person A fills in any missing pieces.
  4. Person B repeats back what they heard Person A say until  Person A says they feel understood.
  5. Person A then expresses a statement of need (expectation) from Person B. (“I need…”).
  6. Person B repeats back what they heard until Person A feels understood
  7. The process is then reversed, with Person B speaking for self, using “I” statements, etc.

In summary, conflict is a gift, but we need to develop the muscles of learning to embrace and resolve it effectively so as not to have it destroy us.

An Inspired Friendship

/in /by

I just got off the phone with my good friend and mentor, Don Campbell, from Meadow Lake, Saskatchewan. Don and I first met when we were on the board of Holistic Management back in the late 1980′s. He remains a true inspiration to me.

Don is a guy who is at peace with himself. As a rancher, he’s had his share of setbacks and challenges, but his faith and strong character makes him a continual inspiration to everyone he meets. I received an email from Don this past week. Here’s something he said in the email:

…I have been counting the number of consecutive good days that I have had for a long time. Today I have had 24,275 consecutive good days. If you did the math you would realize I turned 66 in May. I plan to have a good day every day for as long as I live.

Don always asks me: “If you had all the time and money in the world what would you be doing?” And then he checks up on me to hold me accountable for being able to say, “I’d keep doing exactly what I’m doing today.” He always makes me think about how aligned my life is with what I espouse.

It’s good to have friends that inspire you and hold you accountable to live in accord with your values. I feel blessed.

What Can Nature Teach You As A Leader?

/in /by

I love this time of year. The crisp morning air, the kids starting back to school. I always think of my university teaching days and remember the joys of new students, starting new classes, getting back on campus. I’m now gearing up for a busy fall with great clients after a summer of renewal and refocusing.

As part of my renewal this summer I spent a significant time in nature and offer reflections…

When I have an extended time in nature and take time to unplug from technology and demands and fully make contact with the natural world, something occurs beyond words.

At one time or another in our lives, nature will touch you… in some personal, special way… The indescribable magnificence of a flower… The grace and ease of an eagle soaring off a mountain cliff… The roar of wind through a stand of poplars… The exquisite fresh odor of a pine forest… The magnificence of a star-lit sky, whose splendor is spread across endless space…Nature’s immense mystery reminds us of a life that is greater than the little affairs of humans we call problems…

When you sit for an hour in silence, over looking a mountain valley, when you become harmoniously attuned to the natural world, you discover within yourself a sense of relatedness, a sense that all things are an expression of a deeper life, and that we are all descendants of that life. Eventually you find that the subject of your investigation is not actually nature at all, but life itself, and the nature of yourself.

And when you begin to learn to see and understand yourself and the world around you as an expression of this life force, a deep reverence for yourself, for others, and the world we live in emerges. And within this connection lies the capacity to reach others in ways that amplifies our impact. For this high tech age requires a capacity for high touch, the ability to reach those we serve in new ways.

What have you learned about yourself by being in nature? How has a connection to the natural world made you a better person and a better leader?

Death Awakens Us To Life

/in /by

I spent a beautiful day this past week with my aunt Doreen who now, in the late stages of cancer, has moved into a hospice in Vancouver. It is both enormously sad and very beautiful to be with someone at the end of their life. She’s at peace and radiant with love. Her grandchildren and children are with her now 24 hours/day. Doreen’s life was love, and what she gave out has come full circles back to her. She is dying as she lived – in a state of love and peace. She has certainly had her struggles but has persisted to come to peace with it all. It was very moving to be there with her and our family.

The world teaches us that our worth is in more – more stuff, more success, more technology, more gadgets, more busyness, and on and on. Death strips us of everything we think matters, and leaves us with all that really matters. Death teaches us that peace comes in being with what is, simply being present with love, not in the pursuit of more. Death, when conscious, awakens us to life.

Culture and Leadership – At Every Level

/in /by

Last summer I made a clear intention to re-focus my work on organizational culture. It’s amazing what I have been learning since  then. I have been meeting some incredibly wise people who are doing life-changing work in their cultures. Not only am I working with and learning from some amazing executives about how to create aligned, engaged cultures in their companies, I’m also learning from school teachers how they build a culture in a classroom by engaging students. This week I worked with a group of entrepreneurs and we talked about building a culture in their teams by getting clear about everyone’s values, dreams, and goals, and aligning their business with each person’s strengths and talents.

Not only does culture reside within us as individuals, but it is also the hidden force that drives our behavior between us – both inside and outside our organizations. Each of the cultures we are part of – our families, our workplace, our communities, our churches – are part of us and impact us, just as we impact them. In every environment, whether we are aware of it or not, we function as “leaders” in that we not only reinforce and act as a part of the present culture, but actually are creating (consciously or unconsciously) the culture we live in. This interplay of culture creation demonstrates an interdependency between culture and leadership – at every level. It is, therefore, not enough that the CEO and top executive group  be concerned about and manage the “corporate culture.” Leaders at every level of the organization must recognize that they have a role in creating and evolving the subcultures in their parts of the organization. Deciding that you are creating the culture where you live and work – and therefore you are the one to step into healing it – is the ultimate act of accountability.

I’ve been receiving some wonderful emails about people’s experience of building a culture at any and every level. I’ve learned that culture begins to be strengthened when you get away from your computer and go where people are doing the work. Culture is about being in touch, listening, and really tuning in.

I’d love to hear what culture means to you and what you do within your sphere of influence to build a culture.

Connect by Disconnecting

/in /by

I spent the past week with my amazing five-year-old grandson, Ethan. It was a week of “hanging out.” We spent time swimming, hiking, building puzzles and lego, relaxing at the zoo, chasing butterflies, reading stories, and, of course, napping.

Okay, I napped while he played. One morning we just laid on floor together and listened to a bird that sang in a way that captivated us both. One evening we sat and watched a caterpillar meander it’s way across the sidewalk for what seemed like hours. We bought a plastic paratrooper for a dollar and spent an evening throwing it up in the air and watching the parachute open. It was a wonderful holiday spent with a great kid. I came home refreshed, invigorated, and exhausted (it’s hard work playing with a five year old for a week!) Every time Ethan I spend time together my respect, admiration, and appreciation for stay-at-home parents increases.

And while my time with Ethan passed something else was going on. In order to be connected to Ethan, I was disconnected. No computers. No emails. No work. Just letting go and being present in the moment, allowing Ethan’s rhythm to become my rhythm. When I started to drift and become preoccupied with thoughts  about work, Ethan would inevitably do something to bring my attention back to what was in front of us. Time seemed to “shift” as I became more present to each present and precious moment. It had nothing to do with “time management” or finding a better use of time. It was like having a whole new relationship with time, with Ethan, and with life. I had the experience of having, in the words of one of my great teachers, Winnie the Pooh, “…so much time… so little to do.”

How do you stay mindful? How do you stay present?