Give the Gift of “Attending”

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It’s always nice to receive an unexpected gift, especially this time of year. This week I was genuinely surprised by one of those presents. The staff of the Southeast Regional College in Weyburn, Saskatchewan, sat with me for a day and gave me their presence as I led them through a workshop on building an accountable organization. They are a delightful organization whose byline reads:
“Where minds and possibilities meet.” Gracious, open, receptive, supportive, caring… just a few of the words I would use to describe this remarkable group of people.

I was particularly appreciative of their generous attentiveness under the circumstances as when I arrived, I was suffering from a head cold and throat infection that substantially diminished the quality and volume of my voice. My energy was so low that at times it was difficult to remain standing.

But they patiently hung in there with me the entire day. They willingly engaged in the learning experience. And they gave freely of themselves and to each other in the process. I was uplifted by their presence and by the end of the workshop I had more energy than when I began.

Since I’ve come home and recovered from the head cold, I have been attentive to a rather odd little word, a word that I’ve been mulling over the past few days that came as an unwrapped gift, given so sincerely to me by this humble learning community in Southeast Saskatchewan. The word is ‘attend.’ Merriam Webster describes attend as: “to pay attention to, to look after, to be present with, to apply oneself, to be listened to, to be valued…”

To be attended to is uplifting, heartening, and inspiring. It is a gift in the truest sense as it responds to a fundamental human need: the need to make an impact.

Here are five simple ways to offer the gift of ‘attending’ to others, especially at this time of year:

  1. Pay attention to people’s names. Cashiers, waitresses, and customer service representatives – they have a name-tag for a reason. Everyone is uplifted, even if ever so slightly, when they hear the sound of their own name. On the farm, my mother was adamant, “don’t name the chickens.” She understood that naming transforms your relationship. Naming someone changes them from an object or a number to a human being – with emotions, needs, and values. Naming someone turns a ‘transaction,’ into a ‘transformation.’
  2. Replace waiting with something more constructive. By simply attending to what’s going on inside and around you, you’ll soon discover that waiting is not a very healthy state of mind. It’s focused on the future. It breeds impatience. Waiting comes with expectations, which are premeditated resentments. Waiting leaves you empty and frustrated because it’s self-serving. Whether you are waiting for the red light to change or for a teller at the bank, practice choosing an alternative state of mind. Take a moment for some deep breaths and have some rest. Cheer up the person in front of you. Or let the person behind you, who is even  more impatient than you, in the line front of you.
  3. Practice small acts of generosity. Attending means taking the time to be present for both yourself and others. When you attend, even briefly, to your inner sense of well-being, you know that it takes the same effort to be generous as it does to be selfish, and the result is completely different. Just for one day this week, practice giving to others whatever you expect from others. When it comes to generosity, the small things are so often the big things. A smile. A message of encouragement. A pat on the back. A little patience. Doesn’t cost a thing and can make such a difference.
  4. Be present. It has been said that the best present you can ever give someone is to be fully present in the present. There aren’t many ways better to attend to someone than to be present with them; to tune in, to feel with, to listen without judging or a need to fix. The giving of advice can never take the place of giving of yourself. It is interesting how our fast-paced, crazy, demanding world has created a syndrome called ‘attention deficit disorder.’ Maybe our biology is simply asking our souls to s-l-o-w d-o-w-n and attend to ourselves and each other more simply and more deeply. There is more to life than increasing its speed.
  5. Practice gratitude. It appears to be human nature that the more we get the more we want. It is easy to become spoiled in the self-demanding, post-modern society we live in. Try living in a third world country for a few months and see how it changes your view. Entitlement, along with its accompanying self-centered expectation for self-gratification, is not taking us any closer to a more peaceful, contented world. What you attend to grows. What you appreciate appreciates.

I hope that you will make a little room over the upcoming holidays to practice attending. It will go along way. And, when you make more room for attending it will improve the quality of your life and all the relationships in it.

I view the world as a big pot. We all contribute and remove what we need from the ‘community pot.’ Every time you need something, you dip in and take it out of the pot. When you don’t need anything from the pot, you put a little something back in: a little attention, support, comfort, kindness, love, and so on. If we all throw a little in every day, then when we need it, the pot will have just what we need.

Leading Authentically With An Ego

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Realities in recent times have demanded a new approach to leadership. I recently had a very stimulating dialogue with a group of CEO’s about the difference between the ego and the soul and what it all has to do with being an influential leader. In an age of spiritual awakening and consciousness, leaders driven by their ego will soon become obsolete.

The ego, that mental image of yourself formed from your personal and cultural conditioning, attempts to provide you with a sense of security, safety, and worth. Your ego demands recognition and wastes energy in resentment if it doesn’t get enough attention. But the ego, by it’s very nature, is empty. It’s like a hole inside of us that is in a continual state of dissatisfaction and restlessness, constantly pursuing “more” to fill itself up. To the ego, the present moment hardly exists. Only the past and future are important to the ego, for these are what it depends on for its survival.

While the ego is essentially dysfunctional, there are times when it can be a positive, necessary force, such as when growing into adulthood or pursuing certain goals. Then the ego can be helpful, providing you can observe it and not get attached.

There also resides in each of us, to a lesser or greater degree, an authentic self, a soul, an essence of who we really are. Your soul doesn’t care about rejection, titles, possessions, successes, failures, or how scared you are. The soul cares only about expanding and expressing itself. It is your guide, and your true source of power.

This inner source of strength comes from developing your capacity to delay gratification, learning to courageously face the demands of reality without escaping, developing the capability to see the long-term effects of actions, and achieving quietness of mind. Such cultivation requires a lifetime of dedicated personal work, guided by masters. A cultivated, integrated authentic self is, in today’s world, a leader’s greatest tool. Cultivation, or becoming more fully human, is the primary leadership issue of our time and lies at the core of our work.

Deciding to embark on this arduous journey called leadership requires a decision to go inside yourself and learn to discern the impulse of the ego from the voice of the soul. If a decision comes from the ego, you’ll never be satisfied. You’ll always want more. Authentic leaders channel their ego needs away from themselves and into the larger goal of building a great organization. It’s not that authentic leaders have no ego or self-interest. Indeed, they are incredibly ambitious—but their ambition is first and foremost for the greater good, not themselves.

I end this with a wonderful poem attributed to a Chinese sage, Wu Wei Wu:

Why are you so unhappy? Because ninety-nine percent of what you think, and everything you do, is for yourself, and there isn’t one.”
How are you leading authentically?

Two Minutes On Leadership

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A participant in one of my recent leadership programs was challenged with preparing a two minute talk to a group of high level leaders from across Canada. She asked me what I think is the most important thing or habit leaders need in order to be successful.

What would your answer be if someone asked you for a two minute summary of your philosophy on leadership?

Here’s my response:

  1. Leadership is the capacity of human beings to shape and create a new future – by inspiring and engaging others.
  2. Leadership is about presence, not position. Great leadership cannot be reduced to technique or title. Great leadership comes from the identity and the integrity of the leader. Leadership is the way you live your life. Your power as a leader comes from being an integrated and real human being. This makes every person a potential leader.
  3. You aren’t a leader until someone says you are. You have to earn the right to be called a leader. While you may get promoted to being a boss, you don’t get promoted to leadership. You have to earn the right to be a leader.

In this high tech world, leadership needs to be about high touch (thanks John Nesbitt). Leadership, in today’s world, is ultimately about connection. Connection to: (1) Your authentic self: your values, your unique talents, your aspirations, your dreams, your passion. Take time for reflection, for clarity about what matters most in your life, to listen to the voice inside of you.  Connection to: (2) Those you serve, your stakeholders: those who depend on you and those to whom you depend. Get out of your office, away from your computers, and make contact with people. Find out what inspires the people you serve, what matters to them, how you can support them. Leadership can probably be summed up with one word: conversation. You can assess the level of impact you are having by the depth and honesty of the conversations you are creating.

What’s The Difference Between Servant Leadership vs. Pleasing Leadership?

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I see many leaders trying too hard to make their direct reports happy under the auspices of “servant leadership.” Entitlement is bred in this kind of culture, thinking that we are obligated to give our employees everything they ask for. It’s like parenting, trying to do too much for our children, trying taking away all their stress. This doesn’t lead to responsible kids and it doesn’t lead to accountable employees. And it creates burned out leaders.

The servant leader’s job is to identify and do all you can to meet the needs of their staff to ensure their success. This is servant leadership. Pleasing leadership attempts to meet all the wants of their people. Pleasing leaders become their employee’s slaves  -by allowing their employees/kids to do whatever they want. We all need an environment where standards are set and people are held accountable. We may not want this, but we need it. We don’t do anybody favors by running undisciplined homes or departments. Don’t settle for mediocrity. People need to be pushed to be all they can be. Again, this may not be what we want, but it’s what we need.

Another example: If you pay people what they want, you’ll be out of business and won’t be able to give them what they need: stable, long-term employment.

When politicians make their policy decisions based on the most recent Gallup poll, they are giving people what they want, but probably not what they need.

How do you distinguish between wants and needs?

A want is a wish without regard to long-term consequences.

A need is a legitimate requirement for one’s survival or success.You have to know people (starting with yourself) very well to understand the difference.

Start by making a list of the needs of the people who depend on you. Make a list of what you need.

Thanks to Jim Hunter for your inspiration behind this blog. He wrote a good book called The Servant.

What’s your experience with the difference between serving and pleasing?

How Do You Know If You Are A Good Enough Leader?

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Recently I had tea with good friends who are parents of a beautiful and energetic eighteen-month-old boy. They are at a challenging stage, trying to build a business together, parent a toddler, keep their relationship strong, and get it all “right.” It brought me back to my early years of parenting.

At one point in the conversation I was asked, “How would you know if you are a ‘good enough’ parent?”

After parenting for more than thirty-two years, I’ve become less sure about more things, and more sure about less things. One of those things that I am more sure about is that the effect that parents have on children is not as great as what we are lead to believe. No doubt, parents do impact their children. But children also impact their parents. Children come into the world with their own temperament and spirit and destiny. Parenting is as much about teaching parents as it is about teaching our children. Our children are on their own journey. As Kahlil Gibran said, “…we may house their bodies, but we do not house their souls… Our children come through us but they belong not to us.” I love how parenting has helped me in so many ways: to develop the capacity to continually see things another way, to be more patient and compassionate, to be more courageous and clear about what I expect, to name a few.

The best test of whether you are a ‘good enough’ parent essentially comes down to one question: Are you enjoying yourself?”

I’m sure you could find exceptions to this simple rule. There may be a few incompetent parents who enjoy themselves, just as I’m sure you’d find very good parents who are quite stressed. But my advice, after thirty-two years of parenting, is don’t try to be a better parent by trying to be a better parent. Try to be a better parent by finding ways to enjoy parenting more. The outcome will be that you will be a better parent. Parents who set clear limits and stick to them and who love their kids and enjoy finding ways to connect with them through a listening heart and common interests and aren’t always trying to impose their will upon them, are parents who find ways to enjoy the experience of parenting – and naturally seem to be better at it.

Could this also be a test of competence in any leadership role? What if, as a leader, you stopped trying to be a “better” leader, and simply decided to find ways to enjoy leading? Take time to connect and listen to your staff. Have conversations about your expectations, your passions, your values, and your goals. Talk about how you can support each other to be the best you can be. Try just hanging out and learning together on the projects you are working on. Sure you have to be tough sometimes, and that’s part of the learning together too.

How do you know if you are a good enough leader? I’d love to hear your take on this question.

Where Does Commitment Come From? How To Inspire People

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Leadership is about creating cultures that inspire people, build commitment, and harness energy. As I sit on the plane returning from San Francisco this weekend, I reflect on some of the critical factors I have found in creating an engaging culture. Having just finished re-reading James Kouzes and Barry Posner’s book, Encouraging The Heart, I got inspired to write this blog. After you’ve read this blog, I’d love to hear how you inspire others.

Values

Years of consulting with organizations have taught me that clarity of values is the force that determines an individual’s commitment to an organization. Personal values matter most. To inspire people, you have to get to their core values. Living according to other people’s conditions virtually guarantees that we will not be giving our all.

How many executives go on a retreat, create a corporate values statement, print it on posters, publish it in the annual report, hold training classes to orient people to it, post it beautifully in the headquarters’ lobby, and then wonder why commitment isn’t skyrocketing?

These efforts are a huge waste of time unless there is an equally concerted endeavor to help individuals understand, through dialogue and discovery, their own values and examine the fit between their values and the organizations’. I’m not saying that organizational values are not important, but they are only one side of the commitment equation. Commitment is a matter of fit between the personal and the organizational values.

Personal Vision

The vision of reaching the top of the mountain gives energy to the climber and makes the experience of climbing worthwhile. With no summit in mind, we are aimlessly wandering through rocks and trees, irritable and discontented. Vision keeps us on track. It helps us prioritize the demands, clarifies what we need to say “no” to, and gives us purposeful action. Vision gives us focus, energy, perspective, power, and significance, especially during moments of discouragement.

Alignment

Human beings simply don’t put their hearts into something they don’t believe in. Energy, passion, commitment comes when there’s a fit, when there’s alignment between personal and organizational values. Employees are much more likely to be engaged when they know their positional leaders are committed to them. Loyalty begets loyalty. This can only be accomplished with careful and meaningful dialogue. Here are three useful questions to ask employees to help move you toward alignment:

  1. What matters most to you? Where does work fit into the broader context of your life?
  2. How does this organization ensure that you bring your values to work?
  3. What do you need from me as a leader to ensure that there is alignment between your values and ours?