Tag Archive for: authenticity

Don’t Mistake Spontaneity For Authenticity

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This week, in my friend and colleague, Corey Olynik’s weekly column (go to www.coreyolynik.com to subscribe; I highly recommend it), he poses some great questions about authenticity and authentic leadership. To quote Corey, “We hear so much about being an “authentic” leader. I believe that fully. You must lead from who you are; at the same time, authenticity does not give you permission to be a jerk. The most productive leader leads from her strengths and dials back those tendencies she has to react poorly… When might you mistake spontaneity for authenticity? When might your words or actions work against you or your organization? How do you protect your “inner jerk” from surfacing as you interact with your people?”

Authenticity is not the same as spontaneity. Being an authentic leader goes far deeper than living emotionally and compulsively with no constraints. There are at least six fundamental requirements to be authentic:

  • Self-awareness. When the seventy-five members of Stanford Graduate School of Business’s Advisory Council were asked to recommend the most important capability for leaders to develop, their answer was almost unanimous: self-awareness. To be authentic you have to be self-aware. You have to be aware of how your choices and behavior impact yourself and those around you.
  • Disciplined Action. With self-awareness, authentic people understand that there is a space between an impulse to act and their actual behavior. Within that space is found disciplined choice – to act in a way that will lead to the betterment of all constituents.
  • Care. Not only do you have to be self-aware, you have to care. Caring is everything, I write in my book (by the same title http://www.irvinestone.ca/shop/) To be authentic, you have to care about how your choices and behaviors impact those you serve. A service mindset is vital to authentic leadership. You have to be committed to add value to others. Authentic leaders are builders. They are continually looking for ways to encourage others. Do those around you feel supported, encouraged, and served by you?
  • A commitment to inner work. You have to be willing to invest in your own development to know yourself and your blind spots. Authentic people invest heavily in their own development, whether it is through study, personal therapy or coaching, being mentored, self-reflection, or a combination of these. They see all blame as a waste of time, and make it a habit to look at their side of the street when relationship problems arise. They see all opportunities to learn amidst the challenges of life. By looking within, you discover a sense of purpose along with your unique gifts, passions, and values. Finding your voice and helping others to find their voice is what authentic leaders are committed to. If you don’t go within, you’ll go without.
  • Honesty and respect. Being authentic means being honest. But honesty without respect – for yourself and others – is brutality, not authenticity. Authentic people are continually wrestling with the challenge of being both honest and Not only is being a jerk disrespectful, being a jerk is dishonest because it’s not taking responsibility for what’s going on inside of you.
  • Character. In the words of Mahatma Gandhi, “a [person] cannot do right in one department of life whilst he is occupied in doing wrong in any other department. Life is one indivisible whole.” Behavior in any relationship impacts every relationship. Authentic people set a high standard of behavior for themselves in all areas of their lives and that includes having a personal code of moral conduct. I wholeheartedly concur with Corey. Living congruently and with integrity in all aspects of one’s life excludes being a jerk or a bully to anyone at anytime.

What Authentic People Know About Winning

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I spent the past week with my two ten-year-old grandchildren, Ethan and Holland. One of the activities we love to do together is play monopoly. I have to admit, rather embarrassingly, that when I pick up the dice for the first move, I transform from a kindly grandfather into a ruthless competitor. I become a callous, merciless, heartless, power-grabbing capitalist, lusting for control of Boardwalk and Park Place and as many other properties that I can get my hands on. And I understand something that the minds of ten-year-olds have yet to grasp: that it isn’t about money. I know that it’s about property. It’s about investment. The name of the game is acquisition. While the kids are hanging on to their money, I am going into debt to acquire more real estate – until I become the master of the board. In this game I take great pride in winning every bit of cash from these ten-year olds and see them give their last dollar and quit in utter defeat. What a moment of victory – to beat two ten-year olds in monopoly!

And then Ethan dejectedly looked up and reminded me, what I learned from the author John Ortberg years ago that, “it all goes back in the box.” All the houses and hotels, all the railroads and utility companies, all that property and all that wonderful money goes back in the box. Honestly, I didn’t want it to put any of it away. I wanted to leave the board out as a memorial to my ability to defeat two children.

But the game always ends and it always goes back in the box. Everyday, for somebody, the game ends. Whether you are a powerful CEO, an aging grandmother in a convalescent home, a brother with a brain tumor, a wealthy entrepreneur, or a young teenager who thinks their life will go on forever. Eventually, it all goes back in the box – the houses and cars, the titles and clothes, the big portfolios, the accumulated jewelry, the inheritance, the precious china, and the toys. It all goes back in the box.

In the end, it doesn’t matter what gets accumulated. What matters is how we play the game. What matters are the connections, the efforts, the challenges, and the joys. What matters is the encouragement and value we bring to others and the relationships we build along the way. What matters is how we grow and what we give, what we learn and what we teach. It’s about the memories and meaning, significance and sacrifice. It’s about the quality of our life through the service we render and how our life was lived.

It’s fun to win, and it’s good to learn how to lose, as long as we keep it all in perspective. Authentic people are comfortable enough with themselves to let go of their attachment to winning and sometimes lose in order to win. Keeping a good relationship with your grandkids is more important than winning a game. I only hope I can remember this next time we play monopoly.

Building A High Trust, High Engaged, Accountable Culture: The Power Of Attunement

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I grew up listening to transistor radios with dials that changed stations. Rather than pushing buttons, you turned a knob to tune in to a designated station. Before the age of hundreds of satellite/internet radio options, it took a few moments to fiddle with the dial to “tune it” to the exact station you were looking for. You had to keep adjusting the knob until you got connected to the right station. The stations were few, but when you connected, you appreciated what you got.

Just as the output of a radio requires tuning to the right station, the output of trust, engagement, and accountability – three vital leadership pillars – requires tuning in to the right “employee station.” Do you ever get “static” from your staff, in the form of resistance, disengagement, entitlement, or defiance? Start by looking at how attuned you are to the employee experience.

Here are three ways to get attuned to your staff:

  • Care enough to pause and pay attention. When people become quiet in a meeting, don’t assume consent. You have to stop and check out what the silence means. You have to ask. You have to listen. You have pay attention to what is beneath the surface. To get engagement from people you have to make it a habit to “hall walk,” as my friend Vincent Deberry calls it. You have to get out of your office and walk the halls, and every so often stop. You have to make it a point to stop and ask how people how are doing – both at work and away from work. You have to be in touch. Get to know people. Make contact. Listen for concerns. Bring a “servant mindset” to your work as a leader. We say, “people are our greatest asset.” Are these just words, or do you live this in your workplace?
  • See the goodness in people. I believe that people are fundamentally good. Most people are here to do good and to make the world better. I believe in the goodness of people. I believe that humans are, at the core, good, and that there is a positive intention behind every action, regardless of appearances. If you don’t see any goodness in any person on your team or your organization, you haven’t looked hard enough. You haven’t spent the time to know what motivates them or what matters to them. Jack Kornfield has a great story about the story of human goodness in the video http://bit.ly/2tFMN5u
  • Bring a servant mind-set to your work. Servant leadershipis a philosophy and set of practices that enriches the lives of individuals, builds better organizations and ultimately creates a more just and caring world. Traditional leadership generally involves the accumulation and exercise of power by one at the “top of the pyramid.” By comparison, the servant-leader shares power, puts the needs of others first and helps people develop and perform as highly as possible. Servant leadership turns the power pyramid upside down; instead of the people working to serve the leader, the leader exists to serve the people. When leaders shift their mindset and serve first, they unlock purpose and ingenuity in those around them, resulting in higher performance and engaged, fulfilled employees. A servant leader’s purpose should be to inspire and equip the people they influence.[1]

Servant leadership isn’t about pleasing people and making them happy. Servant leadership is, instead, the bone-deep commitment to support, encourage, and challenge people to be all they can be.

People, it has been said, don’t leave organizations. People leave bosses. Do people feel that you care enough to stop and pay attention to them? Do they feel that you see their goodness? Do your people feel that they are served, that you have their back, that you are committed to do all you can to support them in their job and even in their life?

You can’t expect a high trust, high engaged, accountable organization without attunement.

This I Believe

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This past spring, in a year-long leadership program I help facilitate for the Department of Human Services in the State of Oklahoma, one of the participants introduced me to This I Believe, an international organization engaging people in writing and sharing essays describing the core values that guide their daily lives. Over 125,000 of these essays, written by people from all walks of life, have been archived on their website: www.thisibelieve.org – which is heard on public radio, chronicled through their books, and featured in weekly podcasts. The project is based on the popular 1950s radio series of the same name hosted by Edward R. Murrow.
Below is a list of my “This I Believe” principles that I hold to be important in navigating my own life and work. These are the underlying beliefs – my Personal Creed – that guide how I live and form a framework for the decisions I make. I found it to be a fascinating and inspiring exercise to reflect on what I believe – and I encourage you, as leaders, to do the same. As you read my list, take some to time to ask, “What would my personal creed be?”
  1. While I can influence and impact others, I believe that the only person I can change is me.
  2. I believe that maturity comes not with age but rather with acceptance of responsibility.
  3. I believe we are not just a product of our upbringing. We are also a product of our perceptions, our beliefs, and our choices.
  4. I believe that your life will change forever the day that you decide, once and for all, that all blame is a waste of time.
  5. I believe in taking the time to clarify, live, and preserve a sense of purpose – a reason for being. When your why gets stronger, the way gets easier.
  6. I believe in the power of a dream. The purpose of having a dream is not necessarily to achieve it, but rather to inspire yourself to become the kind of person it takes to achieve it.
  7. I believe that one of the most encouraging facts of life is that our weakness can become our greatest strength.
  8. I believe that every experience is a potential learning opportunity. Within our wounds lay our greatest gifts and our greatest opportunity for contribution.
  9. I believe in four fundamental laws:
    • The Law of the Echo: Whatever we give will come back to us – ten fold.
    • The Law of Focus: What you focus on is what grows. Focus on the problems and they will grow. Focus on the solutions and they will grow.
    • The Law of Gratitude: A key to a good life is to always make your gratitude bigger than your circumstances.
    • The Law of the Lens: Who we are determines how we see others. We don’t see people as they are; we see people as we are.
  10.  I believe that the best present we can ever give anyone is to be present in the present. Life is lived now.
  11.  I believe that entitlement – believing you deserve something just because you want it  – never leads to happiness.
  12.  I believe that happiness is not a destination. Happiness is a method of travel. You are about as happy as you make up your mind to be.
  13.  I believe that good health is a precious companion. When you have your health you have a thousand wishes, and when you don’t, you have one.
  14.  I believe that the quality of an individual life has nothing to do with how long you live and everything to do with how you live.
  15.  I believe that success is not something you pursue. Success is something you attract – by the person you are becoming.
  16.  Like Scott Peck, I believe in taking the road less travelled – by choosing contribution over consumerism, service over self interest, and character over comfort.
  17.  I believe that leadership – the capacity to influence others toward a shared and worthy goal – cannot be reduced to technique or title. Great leadership comes from the identity and integrity of the leader.
  18.  I believe that caring is everything. Caring makes workplaces worth working in, schools worth learning in, and the world worth living in – now and in the future.
  19.  I believe in a God of my understanding of whom I continue to seek. At the end of my life I hope I can confidently declare that I have done my best to leave this world better than I found it.
  20.  I believe that the ability to positively impact others comes from being an integrated human being. I agree with Gandhi when he said. “A person cannot do right in one department of life whilst he is occupied in doing wrong in any other department. Life is one indivisible whole.” Being a good leader means, first and foremost, being a good person.
 
If I have the belief that I can do it, I shall surely acquire the capacity to do it even if I may not have it at the beginning.  – Mahatma Gandhi
The outer conditions of a person’s life will always be found to reflect their inner beliefs. – James Allen

LEADERSHIP AMIDST THE TYRANNY OF ADMINISTRATIVE MINUTIA

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“Being busy does not always mean real work. The object of all work is production or accomplishment and to either of these ends there must be forethought, system, planning, intelligence, and honest purpose, as well as perspiration. Seeming to do is not doing.”   – Thomas A. Edison
A good friend and long-time client called me the other day and asked me how I am.
I responded with, “Busy,” which is my default response when I don’t have the where-with-all to be honest. But Vincent isn’t one to let me off the hook and wouldn’t let me get away with a lazy answer. That’s what I value about our friendship. It’s real. There’s an expectation of honesty. He has a low tolerance for superficiality.
So he responded, “Is it a good busy?”
The question made me stop and think. “How do you know if your ‘busy’ is ‘good’ or not?”
He elaborated, “What have you done today that has brought you joy? How is your energy? What drains you? What fulfills you? What tires you? What animates you?”
As an executive director at a university in South Central United States, Vincent started talking about the “administrative minutia” that comes with every leadership responsibility – the paper work, the proposals, the budgets, the demands, the fires you have to put out – the day-to-day grind that will wear you down and wear you out if you aren’t careful.
I came out of that conversation with Vincent with four things you have to attend to every day in order to survive and thrive in the midst of administrative minutia.
1. MAKE TIME TO THINK. You never want to be so busy doing that you don’t have time to think about what you are doing. Peter Drucker, the great management expert said it well: “There is nothing so useless as doing something efficiently that which should not be done at all.” The best leaders I know take time – if not daily, at least on a weekly basis,  – to think about what matters, what’s important, and what needs saying no to. Remember: every time you say yes to something that is unimportant, you so no to something that is important.
2. MAKE TIME TO GET ON THE BENCH. All hockey coaches know that the game is more than performance on the ice. It’s also about good bench management. Players simply can’t go full speed for much longer than about 45 seconds. While you have to stay focused and alert on the bench, you also have to take a good rest while you’re there. Human beings are not meant to go full out without periodic rest. While you don’t want to spend all day on the bench, what do you do every day to get away from the busyness and unplug from it all? What are you doing today to get on the bench? Whether it’s a good rest over the lunch hour or a five minute rest every hour or so, we all need to regularly get on the bench.
3. MAKE TIME FOR JOY. Yes, I know we need to stop complaining about the work we have to do at work. Work is called work for a reason. You don’t come to work to play. You get paid to work at work. And we could all use a little better attitude toward our work and find a little more gratitude and a little more joy in whatever we do. But you also spend a lot of your life at this thing called work, so you want to push aside that pile on your desk and make a little room for something that brings you joy. Joy is the intersection of passion and service to others. Find something you are passionate about and negotiate for ways that intersect your passion with an opportunity to make a difference. At minimum, find something that brings you joy away from work, something that you play at, so when you go to work you can be grateful that it provides opportunities for joy elsewhere.
4. MAKE TIME TO CARE. Caring produces energy. When you intentionally and consciously take the time to care – about the work you are doing, the project you are engaged in, the colleague down the hall who needs a little encouragement, or the difference you are making – notice how it breathes new life into your days. When you s-l-o-w d-o-w-n for even a brief moment to be kind to someone, listen to someone, to be present, and put extra care into the work you are doing, notice how “busyness” can turn into contentment. Mother Teresa said that, “Not all of us can do great things. But we can do small things with great love.” It’s simple caring that makes our workplace worth working in and our lives worth living.
These strategies don’t replace hard work, effort, or results. But when integrated into a busy life you come home at the end of the day a little more satisfied, a little more fulfilled, a little more focused on what’s important, and a little less depleted. We’re all busy, but is your busy a “good” busy?

The Inner Path of Leadership

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Michelangelo was asked once how he carved and created such magnificence and beauty from a slab of cold marble: He reportedly replied, “I didn’t do anything.  God put Pieta and David in the marble, they were already there.  I only had to carve away the parts that kept you from seeing them.”

For the past three and a half years, since walking with my brother through his cancer journey and his passing in February, I have taken much time to stop and reflect about my life and the purpose of my work. I have been setting aside time to refine my focus, clarify my personal mission and vision, and re-examine my calling and my commitments. Death, as painful as it is, can be strangely and amazingly healing, as it magnifies what truly matters in your life.
As I slowly emerge from this experience, two renewed agreements to myself and others arise: First, I am resolved to be more present in the present moment. Life is lived now. Not tomorrow or yesterday. We simply never know when our time is up. Facing death squarely and honestly helps us fully see what is around us now. Paradoxically, the realization that the life we have today won’t last forever enables us to appreciate and experience it more deeply. It is the impermanence of life that makes it possible to realize it’s incredibly precious value.
Second, I have never been more committed to guiding leaders in all walks of life to their authentic self and realizing the integral value of caring in leadership and life. This is the work I feel most called to do. There is an old Gnostic tradition that believes we don’t invent things, we just remember. That’s what the authentic journey is – remembering who we are meant to be and bringing that to life.
At Thomas More College in Kentucky, there stands a magnificent sculpture of a man sculpting himself, illustrating the amazing capacity to create yourself. The effigy is of a man hunched over his knees with a chisel in hand, carving his own body. Below his knees is a square block of bronze. As you look at his face, which is firmly concentrating on his sculpting, you see that he is blindfolded, creating himself by looking inward. The core of leadership, it turns out, requires reaching within ourselves and bringing the full spectrum of ourselves to our life and our work.
The Greeks understood the internal work that is necessary to sculpt ourselves. The eyes of their statues have no iris. They were chiseled looking inward, focusing on the back of their eyes. This illustrates the essence of leadership as a journey from within, a kind of consciousness that is creating a world out of what is inside of you.
The ending of a relationship, a betrayal, trauma, death, facing an addiction, living an unfulfilled dream, or simply expressing ourselves artistically – are all opportunities for the chisel to penetrate the hardened stone of the walls that surround us and protect us from living the life we are meant to live. Like the work of a great sculptor, the work of the authentic journey is not neat or linear and it can be messy. Far too many people in our culture decide it’s just not worth the journey and fall asleep, living lives, described by Henry David Thoreau, of “quiet desperation.” At some point in our lives, however, the desperation can no longer be quieted, and our authentic presence must come forth in the service of the world. This is the core of leadership.
I have had many experiences that were painful and often traumatic at the time, but were actually necessary and profound teaching moments providing a passage to a deeper connection to my authentic self. At the time they seemed to be random occurrences that I coped with the best way I could and I didn’t know that they were leading me to my destiny. Below the surface of my “traumas,” there was the power of a great sculptor, calling and preparing me to connect with a deeper essence that addressed the fundamental questions, “What is it, in my heart, in my soul, that I must do and be? Who am I, really?”
When National Hockey League player Theo Fleury announced publicly that his former junior hockey coach had sexually abused him, it helped release him from the internal trauma he had been suffering. Over the years, that trauma had driven him to drugs, alcohol, and promiscuity. He’d managed to hold the secret inside himself throughout his impressive sixteen-year NHL career, but it was steadily destroying him. Through a concerted and courageous desire to look inside and heal himself, Theo is now helping to heal others. By speaking out and becoming an advocate for sexual abuse victims, he has brought healing and recovery to thousands of hurt and struggling individuals who have experienced similar traumas in their lives. Looking within and then having the courage to bring what you find to serve others is not just good for the soul. It’s good for the world. This is the work of authentic leadership.
This fall I am planning to launch a public Leadership Presence Program – perhaps a year-long development opportunity – for discovering and strengthening your authentic leadership. Stay tuned, and let me know if you are interested in learning more.

“Often people attempt to live their lives backwards; they try to have more things, or more money, in order to do more of what they want, so they will be happier. The way it actually works is in reverse. You must first be who you really are, then do what you need to do, in order to have what you want.” – Margaret Young, American singer and comedian